Intelligence.
Just so everyone knows before they read this. It sound’s like I’m down on myself, but really I’m just trying to sort through my thoughts about what I think about the education I’ve gained.
I’ve been school a long time. Sure it’s not as long as others, but I feel that it’s a part of me. I feel like I’ve been learning for a long time, but that I’ve gained little. I feel that most is my fault. I also worry about my retention of information. Some things that I should know I don’t, like certain psychologists and what they studied, and then I feel that I have information, but I don’t know how to communicate it. I feel lost. I’ve never enjoyed studying a whole lot or reading. Sometimes I do, but most often the books are tedious and uninteresting. I cram for a test and then forget most of the information. The last class I had that did accumulative exams was five semester ago, and that was a first in a while. I almost feel trained to study, remember and forget. I admit it is mostly me. I needed to put more time into my classes and what I was learning. I needed to remember the information, and not just learn it for a short time. I feel that much of what I learned I could apply it to life, if only I could remember how. I feel like a failure in some ways, yet I’ll still have a four year degree at the end of it.
I do know I’m smart, I have endearing qualities and insights, but I also feel so disconnected from the world around me. I don’t have a desire to gain insight like others. I mostly just feel naive and ignorant. I have a desire to want to know more but not always the will. I’m more about time…when I have the time to read, I’m tired. I watch TV to procrastinate and in a way it hide from the world. When I was younger I could get by with the way I learned and what I knew, but I feel that one day soon someone will figure out this intelligence is just a facade and I am really nothing. I’m surrounded by incredibly intelligent people and I feel so inadequate as a being. I want to know more and gain insight but I worry that even if I try, it will amount to nothing. On contrary I also feel that I have this responsibility to learn and gain insight. Heavenly Father has granted me this great mind and if I exercise it I can gain intelligence. I just feel disappointed in what I know and my will. Others around me already know so much or have a desire to gain knowledge, and I dread the thought of reading novels that cause me to think. I suppose it goes back to gaining certain things easily so when I need to exert effort I’m afraid of failure, and I fail by not trying.
I cut myself short. I know I’m not the only one. I just want myself to want more and not only want but to do more. I need the motivation. I hope to gain motivation, but I just wish their was more time and less distractions.