Things I realized this past week
I like my kids more than I like yours.
Before I had children I loved every one’s children. Now that I have my own, I realize I just like mine more than other peoples. Now I like other peoples kids. I just don’t know what to do with other peoples babies. I watched my sister Kristi’s two daughters on Thursday so she could go to the temple. Katy is four. She and Lilah just played the whole time. Really I don’t mind her. It was just funny because Lilah would talk to her and she would ask quite frequently what Lilah was saying. Katy could only understand about half of what Lilah said. What I realized is I don’t know what to do with other peoples babies. Adrienne is nine months. She’s just a very different baby than my girls, at least what I remember of my girls. She was in a new place so I understand that she was a little touchy. I would put her on the floor to play and if it even looked like I was leaving the room she would cry. She’s been this way sense birth. If she chooses to leave you it’s fine, but if you choose to leave her she cries. She also only falls asleep if you’re holding her. This is due to her sleep deprived father who falls asleep with her all the time, so Adrienne falls asleep with him. It’s mostly that I didn’t know how to react to the crying and neediness. There wasn’t this parental bond with her. I know Kristi lets her cries at times, but how much is too much? Does she respond to me singing? Does she like to be rocked? It turns out she was good in her car seat while I made lunch. She could see me and I sang some silly songs. I held and fed her cheerios while we ate our lunch, she had already been fed. Later she played, even with me gone, because she could see her sister. I had to hold her until she fell asleep and then she only slept for 45 minutes in her car seat. She is a happy baby, but since I didn’t raise and train her or create a certain routine and expectations of her I wasn’t sure what to do with her for a long period of time.
From this experience I also learned that I would not want twins, or closely born children. Eden and Adrienne are less than nine months apart and I realized that I love the age Eden is at, so I wouldn’t want another baby at this point. Plus it’s too much work.
The second thing I realized this week: I talk a lot and sometimes it comes out wrong. People who really know me will probably be laughing at this statement. I often say things that come out badly and then I am teased forever about them. I won’t say any here for fear of posterity realizing how silly their mom/ grandma/ daughter really is. I’m the youngest of six and of course I’ve been teased a lot. For some reason being the youngest as also made me mature. (don’t laugh ๐ When I was 20 people often thought I was older, and even now other women I know think I’m along 25, not 23. When I teach in church I put a pretty good facade of being wiser than I am, though I was not always this way. When people get me in a social setting I think they then realize how young I am because of my words, or how uncouth I can be. I had a Relief Society social on Friday night. I think one of the women came away thinking I was an unhappy mother in an unhappy marriage. Why you ask? One reason is the age difference. She’s much older than I am so our worlds are very different and two because of some things I said, in which because of the age difference she is unable to relate to me. One thing I said was how I love hearing about my single friends love life, and that I live vicariously through them. (This was while talking to one of our eighteen year old Relief Society sisters.) She thought this funny and I mentioned after nearly five years of marriage there isn’t much excitement. She said then I need to put excitement into it. (all this was in jest) I then corrected myself and said that it wasn’t really the excitement that I missed, it was the newness of the relationship, and I enjoyed hearing about the newness and that excitement that my single friends get to experience. She seemed appeased at this statement, but I’m not sure.
The second thing I said was about my children. Talking about kids I mentioned how I felt I needed to relate to my girls more. That I feel at a lost sometimes at what to do with them. She had replied about how much she loved raising her boys and how fulfilling and fun it was. (Jon mentioned that her memory probably was a little forgetful of any negative feelings she may have felt as a mother since she was now so removed from that stage of her life.) So there it was, I’m an unhappy wife and mother. Really I’m not.I love my kids and I love my husband. My desire for newness is something I consider natural. Women’s downfall is romance. Yes romance. Or that longing for a new relationship and new lust. I say this because if you read any romance novel or watch any show or movie it’s always about finding that new person. So I don’t think I’m alone in my fantasy of newness. Some of you may be saying “Lacey what are you talking about. I’ve been married ten years and it’s still great. You need to get yourself together.” But honestly I’m sure everyone at some point has felt they loved their husband with all their heart, but has longed for the newness of when their relationship was starting. One thing I think society has wrong is that you will always love you husband and if you fall out of love then you probably need to get a divorce. Really marriage is hard work and their will be points you don’t love your husband as much as you think you ought to. Their might be a lucky few who always love their husband with this all consuming love, but honestly I don’t think it’s that way for life. One thing Jon mentioned to me is the beauty of two people choosing to be with one another because they want to be with that other person. Not because they feel forced into a relationship or are codependent, or not even because they love one another, but because they care for that other person and choose to be with them.
Anyways. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become a little better about thinking before I open my mouth, (not always before typing) but really I’m still learning. Maybe someday I can find that couth I’m searching for. ๐
PS. This is not a post because I like my kids more than my sisters. They were just the example. Though some may say it’s because they are my sisters kids. I really don’t relate to anyone else’s babies as well as my own.
Also parental bond is used in the sense that I have not raised Adrienne, not in the I did not give birth to Adrienne sense. I think biological bonds are overrated.
This are just my after thoughts, because well if you know me you know I’m crazy.