Is It Naptime Yet

Yesterday was a bad day. I was in such an evil mood and Eden was so grumpy. I say evil because as a new mom, I mean that in the since that I have a young baby, you sometimes get bad thoughts in your head about hurting your child. Yesterday was one of those days. I was soo stressed out about all the work I have to do for my classes and was trying to catch up. (I’m about a week behind in History and two in my women in crime course. I have a discussion due Sunday night for History and I haven’t even gotten to the lectures or readings it’s on and a test on Tuesday for the women’s class and I am way behind in lectures and reading there. So I am stressed, plus I hadn’t done a posting for English and was needing to watch those lectures.) I’m drowning basically and yesterday I felt like I would die, or my child.
Eden has decided she doesn’t want to take naps and she has been hard to put down sometimes. Yesterday was the pinnacle because I was wanting to do so much, but she was so ornery and tired that she wasn’t going to sleep. She kept rolling over and playing so I’d put her back and she’d get upset. She knows when I put her on her tummy and give her her thumb she is suppose to sleep, so she wanted to be in any position but that and I was wanting to nail her to the bed so she would got to slept. Also I’m sure she can feel my anxiety, so it winds her up even more to be in my arms. You just feel like such a bad mom when you get the urge to harm your child. Even today I was ready to shake her to get her to calm down and sleep. It’s just been so depressing and hard for me lately. I feel that I don’t understand her and her needs, and at the same time I feel like she wilfully trying to make my life hell by not taking naps and being so grumpy, which I know is not true, but in the heat of the moment, you think anything. Jon reassures me that it’s normal to sometimes have those thoughts, especially under stress and that I will never act them out. But when those moments come I have a voice saying what if you can’t hold back, Jon’s wrong, you really do want to act those evil thoughts out. It’s just a vicious cycle on your mind. I am a little better today, I feel more in control of my school work, but Eden is still being a pain about taking a nap. I feel like I have zero patience some days, and I wonder what I would do if I got a really difficult baby, I fear for them. I am such a control freak when it comes to getting Eden to bed and keeping her happy. It’s like if I can’t keep her happy and she starts crying I get so frustrated that she isn’t responding to me. Today when she wasn’t going down for a nap, after trying for about twenty minutes, I shut the door and took my shower and let Lilah watch Clifford. I figured that way she could cry it out, I wouldn’t hear her while I was in the shower, but would still be accomplishing something that had to be done. (I hadn’t showered since Tuesday). I need to leave the room more often and let her figure it out. I guess it’s when I need her to sleep and Lilah is taking her nap already, or I’m putting them down at the same time, that I get really frustrated. I can’t let her cry it out because she’ll wake Lilah, but I don’t want her out of bed because she’ll be so needy and grumpy. Jon reminded me I have the playpen to put her in. Just now she went down really well. Sure it’s been an hour and a half since I tried to get Lilah into bed, (she’s using the potty as her excuse, so she’s gone into timeout twice for lying and she really has gone twice…it’s still annoying though) so They are both asleep, but it’s now 4:35 and I’ll have to get dinner ready soon, but I should watch a lecture….

I think I’ll stay home and let Jon go to his parents house on Sunday so I can do more work. I know it’s kinda breaking the sabbath, but I just don’t have enough time. Saturday I have a hair appointment and need to finish Lilah’s Dress. Once I get that done I will devote the rest to studying (maybe give Jon a haircut) and see if I need time on Sunday. Since now I know how crazy things will be I know I can manage my time better to do the work, it’s just been a hard lesson to learn this semester. Once the wedding is over I can also devote my Saturdays to more studying and real work around the house. Poor Jon does so much on those days and all I do is sew, go to baby showers or get my hair done. I have a great husband.

I do have enjoyable moments as a mom though. Like when Lilah wanted me to stay with her at bedtime, so she grabbed my shirt, I told her it wasn’t nice to grab mommy’s shirt, so she grabbed my arm and then she put her arms around my neck and gave me a great hug. Eden also has the happiest smile and she gets soo silly when she’s tired and you just have a ball keeping her up because she laughs at almost anything. Eden also has a great time laughing at Lilah when she’s being silly, or laughing. Like when I was tickling Lilah today Eden was laughing along with her sister. It’s great to be a mom, but there are definitely times it’s trying.