Is It Naptime Yet

So recently I’ve been doing a few things to try to improve myself. I’m wanting to be the best “Lacey” I can be.
For now it’s mostly taking voice lessons and exercising.

I’ve finally decided I like my voice, at least for the most part. I’ll be making a CD later this year with my voice teacher, so I’ll post some songs once that is done, maybe. We did a fun recording a couple weeks ago, and I was like, “Wow, that’s what I sound like.” It sounded much better than what I have on my voice recorder that I use for classes.

With accepting my voice, I think I’m also able to accept other parts of me, like my body.

I know I’m not over-weight or very large, but I have the weakest cardiovascular system ever, and like zero muscle mass. I know if I work on toning my muscles, especially my stomach, and build my cardiovascular endurance, then I can sing better. I enrolled the girls in a once a week class at our local rec center, and got myself a monthly gym pass to the gym there. The class is an hour an fifteen minutes long, so I can get a decent workout on the treadmill and elliptical. Then the girls also “babysit” for Sam once a week, and I go to the gym then, and she’s able to get things done while they entertain Matilda. It’s a win, win situation, because she also pays the girls, and they have lots of fun doing it, and we both get things down that we need to. (I now have to let them know when they’re “babysitting” and when Sam is the one watching them, so they don’t expect to be paid every time they go over.)
I also workout at home 2 to 3 days a week, and a man in my ward bugs me to make sure I’m doing what I’m suppose to do. For some reason being accountable to him helps me, since he’s a friend, but has little mercy for me or whatever excuses I might give. This is my third week and I’ve been able to go to the gym regularly, though I have slacked a little for my at home work-outs. One step at a time, right?

I’ve decided my motivation to exercise is not solely to lose weight. It would be so nice to lose weight, but I want to be a better healthier me, and live a healthier life in the long run. I’m really hoping that by making small changes, I can make them habits and keep them for life.

I’m also hoping that I can be a better dancer for when the play comes around each year. I’m always so out of shape, and I figure as I get older, I need to work harder so I’m not left in the dust.

A lot of this so far is so I can be a better performer, but it’s only been till now that I’ve ever felt courage enough to do these things. I’m so thankful to have Jon as my husband because he is so supportive and kind and very encouraging.

Lastly, I’ve also been reading, like novels. As silly as it seems, I read Pride and Prejudice after Christmas and it was the first book I had read for myself, solely on my own, and completed since I graduated from college 4 years ago. It was fun to read and I’m now reading Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. It feels nice to be improving my mind, or at least exercising it a little.

So I’m working on being the best me. Never mind that my house is a disaster a lot more since I’m home less, and we still use the same amount of dishes, and the girls still love to play and make messes.

I’m still learning how to balance me and the house, and the girls and life. It’s been hard, but I think overall I’m happier and I know that being the best Lacey is more important than an empty sink, or spotless house. (Not that I had a spotless house before.)

How can you be the best you?

With all the things that had been going on in her life, the absence of her period didn’t hit until Sunday. It was that morning that she realized she was three days late, and when your body runs like clockwork, she was almost sure she was pregnant, but how could she be when she has an IUD? This was a little nerve racking to her. She sat through church wondering and calculating when this baby, if there was a baby, would be due. It would be the end of June, very beginning of July. It would be perfect to happen right before their medical plan changes took affect, and maybe, just maybe, she was suppose to become a parent at this time in her life. Maybe Heavenly Father had a plan for her, because he knows that there is a part of her that says she will never have another child, at least if it was left to her completely.

Lets back up a little bit. Earlier in the year they found out that their medical insurance would be changing to a Health Savings Account and the deductible would sky rocket beginning July of 2011, so having a baby would be something they would have to save for, and would become a huge expense, medically. She tried to convince her husband that they should get pregnant right away, but he wasn’t going for it. It’s not that he didn’t want another baby, though he kinda doesn’t, but he didn’t want one right now just because their health insurance would be changing, and would like to wait till they are in another house.

So her dream of having a baby anytime soon died.

She once again consoled herself with the thoughts of how much work a child is. How much time they take, and how she would have to change her lifestyle completely if they were to have a baby.

She decided waiting was for the better, but she also has days where a baby was something she decided she never wanted. Those days are the days she’s trying to organize and all the baby stuff gets in the way, or all the clothes her youngest can’t wear continue to pile up, or the days she just wants order and to get rid of every damn thing in her house.

So there are days she doesn’t want another baby.

This Sunday her baby hunger came back. As she sat through sacrament and they blessed a one week old little girl, she wanted to so badly be pregnant. She wanted so badly to have a baby, but the thoughts of it also scared her. How would she and her husband raise this baby religiously? How would they make room in their tiny house? How would they be able to save and buy a larger house? How would they move with a baby if they bought a house?

She worried and ached for the baby at the same time.

She talked to her husband after church. She was so anxious, and he could see how it was affecting her, so he told her to go buy a pregnancy test.

After buying the test, she took it at home while her husband was with their older daughter. The test quickly came back negative, but silently she wished for it to be positive. She waited for that second blue line to appear, but it never did. Her younger daughter came knocking on the door, she wanted to play Uno. The mother asked her to wait and go play a little longer.

The blue line never appeared and that physical confirmation came just 24 hours later.

She was just late.

Over a year ago I had gastritis.

It was terrible and one of the worst things I’ve had to go through.

Ever since that’s happened I’ve been paranoid. If I get a stomach ache I take some Tums and pray that I don’t get sick again. I haven’t had it again, but I’m still very sensitive to any stomach pain.

I also worry about being too stressed. When I signed up to do costumes for the Wizard of Oz, since I got the gastritis after a a week of sewing, I worried that I would get sick and be in utter pain once more if I did too much. Everything turned out fine, but the nagging worry is still in the back of my mind.

Which leads me to this week.

Tuesday night I started having a stomach ache, so I took some Tums and fell asleep on the couch around 11:30 pm. I woke up around 12:30 am and was awake with stomach problems till 3:30 am. It wasn’t fun. I know it was food poisoning of some sort. I’m the only one who was sick and it lasted for less than 24 hours, even though I was still getting better and regaining my strength for the last 12, and we had eaten some fast food Monday night. But in my mind, even though I know what caused it, I now wonder and have the worry about what will get me sick. Every food could be the next culprit to giving me unbearable stomach pain, and keeping me up at night. Now a weekend of pain isn’t that bad, but this weekend I’m going to LA with Anna, so it would really stink to be sick.

I don’t like to think of myself as a worrier, but I don’t want my weekend to be ruined. I really want to enjoy my time with my friend, alone, shopping, and eating out. (We’re shopping for fabric for the play, so it’s not all fun and games.) It’s the thought of eating I don’t like. What if I get sick and my poor pregnant friend has to carry bolts and bolts of tulle and satin to my car, while I stay huddled in the fetal position in the passenger seat, or in a public bathroom? Ick. It could happen, the chances are slim, but I was just sick.

I think I’ll pack some extra tums just in case.

So, I just want to note that I love the Wii fit.

I am a bit obsessive checking my weight and Wii age every day, but it’s fun. I’ve been as old as 44 and as young as 20. I sometimes gain a little than the day before, but mostly I’m losing little by little. I think seeing that I’m continuing to lose, even if it’s just .2 of a pound, it’s fun and it keeps me motivated. They also have some really fun games and a way for me to do step while I watch TV, which is what I’m doing tonight. I have a show to watch but I haven’t put in my 20 minutes of walking/ bike riding on the Wii, so I’ll be stepping to the beat and hopefully it doesn’t get too annoying hearing it tick away to keep me in rhythm.

I’ve been sitting at the computer a lot lately, hoping there was something interesting to read, but mostly the blogs trickle in and Facebook only amuses for so long. Then I thought, hey why don’t I write something since I haven’t really written about what’s going on in our life lately. Not that it will be super interesting, but at least it’s then documented.

The top priority is homeschooling. It encompasses so much, but at the same time it does not fill a lot of our time. I’ve been mostly good about homeschooling on the days I’ve had planned, but I have had hang ups when we’ve been sick, or when I get the drive to do something other than home school. Like Friday I had to make strawberries as a thank you to the family who let us use their house for Eden’s party. I had yet to do something for them because they were out of town the Friday I made them for Jon’s co-workers. So instead of home school we gave thanks to someone for their kindness, even if the girls may not have gotten that’s what we were doing with all the running around to buy strawberries, toothpicks and boxes to put the berries in. Then they each got $1 while there just for the heck of it from Carolyn’s boss.  I saw it as an off day, but I just shrug it off. I’m still getting into formally homeschooling a few days a week and baby steps is all I have planned. I know that I’m still doing better than what I did last year and I know I’m seeing progress. (Eden’s read the first 5 Bob books of the first set and Lilah is trying to improve her spelling skills all on her own, even if she doesn’t like the actual act of writing too much.)

I admit I’m still easing into the fact that four out of the five days of my week I’m devoted to school. I can run errands or make appointments for the mornings, but overall I try to just stay home ’cause it’s easier that way.

I’m also having a hard time with being home and not wanting to clean more than I have to. I’m hitting a wall in a few areas of my life. I want a clean organized home, but I don’t want to put forth the effort. I want to lose just a little bit of weight but I don’t want to work out or stop eating sweets. I want things to occupy my time, but I find little that interests me.

I’m just in one of my slumps, but it’s not a complete slump. I still feel good about homeschooling the girls and I still want to do things, I just don’t want to do everything and for some reason I just want to veg at night and not sew even if a really cute apron is just waiting to be cut out and sewn and a couple of bags.

I suppose home school is seen more as a necessity to me right now, kinda like the dishes. I have to have something to eat off of or cook with and I have to home school my children. It’s what I’m suppose to do to have my house run on the bare minimum.

It’s strange how you don’t realize you have a problem or are feeling a little less yourself until your write about it or talk to someone. I suppose I knew I was avoiding things, but at the same time, my avoidance is so second nature that it seems normal. I’m either too busy to do something or I’m avoiding it. The too busy times makes the things I’m neglecting normal to avoid, if that makes sense.

I wish there was some answer for continual motivation, or maybe a pill. I’d definitely buy that.

This week has mostly been me sewing and figuring out the cost for the lullaby/snowflake girl’s costumes. I’m in charge of buying everything and sewing Lilah’s and one other girl’s costume. It’s been fun considering I’m modifying a costume and have no exact measurements of how much fabric I need. So I laid out patterns to see and then I realized I had forgotten a piece that needed to be cut twice in my measurements, and bought more fabric and returned fabric because I changed the design. It’s been fun, real fun. I’m just hoping that I have enough fabric but not a lot left over by the time the last mom sews costumes since we’re just passing things along.

Besides the costumes this week, last night was the first dance rehearsal and it was the dance for the Jitterbug portion of the play. I was working out, but then sleep got the best of me and then I was sick and I still have a sinus infection and I have yet to return to working out. I am so sore and I get to dance and try to work my muscles tomorrow doing the dance once again. We’ll see if I’m able to do all the dance moves. (It’s the squatting that kills me and we have to go to the floor and hop up quickly at one point.) I suppose with a good warm up, and the fact that I don’t want to look like a total wuss, I’ll hopefully work through the pain and then I’ll just need to work out at home and try to do the moves that cause me the most pain at home, so my body can work through it. I think this just might be the key to me losing some weight.

Today the girls had a dentist appointment. It’s their second one and it went just fine and dandy.

The hygienist let me know that Lilah’s two front bottom teeth are loose, and she thinks she’ll lose at least one of them before the next visit. Her top are a little loose too, but she thinks those are still a year away.

I don’t know if Lilah was happy or nervous about this news because she knows once she loses her teeth thumb sucking will be a no. Lilah has already stopped sucking her thumb for the most part but she forgets on some days and we have to remind her to stop. We are taking a logical approach with her by letting her know it’s not good to thumb suck when you have adult teeth coming in  and she should stop now so it’s easier once she starts loosing teeth and this seems to be working just fine. The hygienists says that Lilah’s jaw is normal and that as long as she stops thumb sucking before she looses teeth it should be fine.

As Lilah’s appointment went on I could see her physically shaking in the chair as the hygienist worked on her.  She totally gets that from me and I felt so bad for her, but  Lilah was brave and just mostly annoyed that she couldn’t stop the shaking.

Eden’s appointment was directly afterwards  and she did just fine also. Neither have cavities and all is well, except my baby is growing up and will be loosing teeth soon, which is totally gross to me. I’m gonna have to learn to hide my disgust of loose teeth and the gums right afterwards. Yuck.

On a cute note Lilah is now wanting to avoid hard food that hurt her tooth or might make it loose. I think she’s just nervous about loosing the tooth and not knowing if it’ll hurt or what to expect since it’s a first.

For some reason I am destined to not go to yoga lately. I was sick with my stomach for two weeks and thus missed yoga due to my diet. Last night I went to bed fully intending to hit snooze only once when my alarm went off at 5:35 am, but I turned it off and went back to bed to get more interrupted sleep after I hit snooze once.

I went to bed early, but my sinuses are infected and were draining all night. When this happens I cough and I cry. I cry not because I’m crying, but because I guess it’s just automatic for my tear ducts to leak when I’m laying down with a sinus infection. The crying wakes me up, as does the coughing. It felt like I was awake forever before finally getting to sleep.

Then Eden came in with her pillow wanting to sleep with us. Sadly, usually she gets her way and stays the rest of the night with us, but I was restless and put her back into her bed at 3 am.

I did sleep relatively well from 3 am till 5:35 am, when my alarm went off, but I could tell that my body was achy from not sleeping well before 3 am, and yoga would not be apart of my morning.

The girls woke up and watched PBS till 9 am since I was not ready to face the day till then. They also came in after every show wondering when I was going to get up and feed them, well after one show since they never get to watch till 9.

I’m not sure what I have, but it involves full sinuses that are draining constantly and not much sleep.

And I have something to do everyday this week except Friday.

Glorious time to be sick, glorious.

It’s been 10 days on the road to recovery, well 11 if you count the day I saw the doctor, and I think I’m back to normal.

Hallelujah!

Especially since I was seeing little progress until Wednesday night and had made an appointment Wednesday morning because I felt like I would  be eating just Malt o’ Meal, applesauce, banana, egg, and chicken noodle soup with just a little bit of potatoes forever.  When I didn’t get a stomach ache Wednesday night from my potatoes I canceled the appointment I had for this morning 25 hours in advance, otherwise I would have had to pay the copay had I waited a mere 1 and a half hours longer.

I ate just a half a cup of my favorite cereal this morning, Oatmeal Squares, after my bland Malt O’ Meal and had no tummy ache!

Then today I tried bread and snuck a few peanut butter filled pretzels in. (I checked my Trader Joe peanut butter filled pretzels, that I bought after the recall, are not on the list.)

And I got no stomach ache!

I am so happy.

My first regular meal will be my favorite chicken potpie with rice. I figure it’s kinda soup-ish and I may wait till Sunday to make my mandarin orange chicken, but if tonight goes well there’s no doubt what we’re having tomorrow night for dinner.

I love being on the road to recovery and more than that, at my destination of recovery.

Regular food, here I come!

My will power to avoid stomachs aches is breaking.

Today is my third day of being on Priolsec, and I was on three days of Pecid AC before that. I should be on the road to recovery, hence why my will power is suffering and my stomach a little also, but not nearly as bad as I was a week ago.

It all started last night at family home evening. My family gets together once a month and delicious foods are brought by all, well by most and they usually all are delicious. Last night there was lasagna, broccoli and cheese casserole, seven layer salad and rolls, my Achilles heel is rolls and King Hawaiian Bread, which I brought myself. Dumb self.

So while everyone else enjoyed yummy food I ate my applesauce, my banana and munched on some crackers that I’ve introduced to my diet. I had chicken noodle soup for lunch, so I was pretty hungry at dinnertime even with all my snacks.

I cracked.

I ate some bread, a roll, and three bites of the broccoli and cheese casserole. Oh, they were all so good and I don’t know if I would say the tummy ache was worth it, but it wasn’t that bad and very bearable for the tasty food I did eat, but it came four hours later at 10 o’ clock pm and I slept on the couch sitting up for part of the night.

Which leads today.

I ate my dutiful applesauce for breakfast, but since I’m out of homemade I had to buy store bought but it’s more tangy and I don’t like to eat as much. I also had a hard boiled egg for breakfast and I’m waiting for my banana’s to ripen a little more. (Sometimes all they have are green banana’s at the store.) I decided to have some bland Malt O’ Meal for lunch and since I started the dishwasher so late the girls would be eating late. Lilah’s been wanting macaroni and cheese so I needed to get the pan clean.

Boxed macaroni and cheese has never looked, or tasted so good. Yes I did eat some, more than I should have, but not a full serving, I think.

I’m hoping it goes over well, though I’m sure to have a slight tummy ache. (Which I did, since I’ve taken a  nap and am now enduring a small stomach ache.)

I just want to eat regular food again so badly and it seems that anything I touch goes into my mouth. I’m not to be trusted, unless it’s candy, that is one thing I’m not willing to risk a stomach ache for.

I’m done with my eating problems. Thanks for reading. I do feel as though I am getting better, hence why my defenses are down. Jon reminds me that even without stomach problems, being on a diet of applesauce and banana’s is not something you can just get off of easily, you have to ease yourself into normal foods. I’m just not very good at easing.

Also my poor friend Sam is still pregnant, she was due Friday and yesterday before Relief Society started I was poking her belly telling Matilda to come out, but she didn’t, though I wouldn’t have wanted her to come out at that very moment, that would have been gross.