Is It Naptime Yet

So lots of things have happened.

First Lilah turned three this weekend. I have a three year old. I still can’t believe I have two children, and I have a three year old.
We had family over. Howie, Katy, and Lilah ran around the house while holding Lilah’s balloon. It was funny.
I’ll post pictures later… though I don’t think we have any of them playing. I’m just to busy right now.

We watched some tortoises this weekend. I wanted to take a picture but forgot. This is the kind of pet I can handle, as long as they are small, these where small. It was easy and they don’t make too much nose or need a lot of affection.

I got cupboards for my dining room. This is a biggy. Before we had an open bookcase that wasn’t very space efficient. Not we have white cupboards with doors. They are 70×24 inches and 15 inches deep. We have two right now. Jon was only going to buy one, because we’ve had a lot of extra expenses, but Dad was there with his truck ,there were only two on the shelf, and it seemed a waste to make dad come back in a month or so to get the second one. So I was soo happy when they brought two home. Jon put them together on Saturday, because Eden loved climbing on the boxes and they were just a hazard waiting for a disaster.

I’m sewing a lot. I almost have one set of drapes ready to hang. I need to put the side hems in and then I’ll do the bottom hem next week.. hopefully…so the fabric can settle. The curtains in the girls room have bunched a little in one and a lot in the other. It’s been annoying at times. I’ve made tones of mistakes on my first drape, so it’s been my reminder of little things that matter. I won’t mention the list, but don’t say anything if you notice that my tabs aren’t evenly spaced. 😉
I should go. Much has happened and much needs to be done.

Just so everyone knows before they read this. It sound’s like I’m down on myself, but really I’m just trying to sort through my thoughts about what I think about the education I’ve gained.

I’ve been school a long time. Sure it’s not as long as others, but I feel that it’s a part of me. I feel like I’ve been learning for a long time, but that I’ve gained little. I feel that most is my fault. I also worry about my retention of information. Some things that I should know I don’t, like certain psychologists and what they studied, and then I feel that I have information, but I don’t know how to communicate it. I feel lost. I’ve never enjoyed studying a whole lot or reading. Sometimes I do, but most often the books are tedious and uninteresting. I cram for a test and then forget most of the information. The last class I had that did accumulative exams was five semester ago, and that was a first in a while. I almost feel trained to study, remember and forget. I admit it is mostly me. I needed to put more time into my classes and what I was learning. I needed to remember the information, and not just learn it for a short time. I feel that much of what I learned I could apply it to life, if only I could remember how. I feel like a failure in some ways, yet I’ll still have a four year degree at the end of it.
I do know I’m smart, I have endearing qualities and insights, but I also feel so disconnected from the world around me. I don’t have a desire to gain insight like others. I mostly just feel naive and ignorant. I have a desire to want to know more but not always the will. I’m more about time…when I have the time to read, I’m tired. I watch TV to procrastinate and in a way it hide from the world. When I was younger I could get by with the way I learned and what I knew, but I feel that one day soon someone will figure out this intelligence is just a facade and I am really nothing. I’m surrounded by incredibly intelligent people and I feel so inadequate as a being. I want to know more and gain insight but I worry that even if I try, it will amount to nothing. On contrary I also feel that I have this responsibility to learn and gain insight. Heavenly Father has granted me this great mind and if I exercise it I can gain intelligence. I just feel disappointed in what I know and my will. Others around me already know so much or have a desire to gain knowledge, and I dread the thought of reading novels that cause me to think. I suppose it goes back to gaining certain things easily so when I need to exert effort I’m afraid of failure, and I fail by not trying.
I cut myself short. I know I’m not the only one. I just want myself to want more and not only want but to do more. I need the motivation. I hope to gain motivation, but I just wish their was more time and less distractions.

Monday- Kristi Brought over Howie and Kaitlyn to play. She was suppose to come over last Wednesday, but things happened and it got delayed. Then Kaitlyn cut her eyebrow open and had to get six stitches. Lilah got sick and then Saturday was busy with Saturday things to do. Lilah had been looking forward to the visit since Wednesday so each day it was Howie and Katy are coming over today. On Monday Lilah even pretended to call Kristi, ask her if Howie and Katy are coming over, she then said okay I love you bye. When Kristi called Monday morning I told she better be coming over or it would break Lilah’s heart. She came and Lilah loved having her cousins over. They played and talked and made messes. Lilah hardly ate her lunch because her and Katy were talking, she did have a nice helping of the frosted animal cookies though. Her and Howie were eating straight from the bag so I decided to get them their own cups with cookies in them. They also went swimming while they were here. I filled the little pool up Monday morning so it was still a little chilly. Katy lips turned blue, and she was shivering. Lilah eventually got out and started riding her bike. It was fun to have the company.

Tuesday- we stayed home. I did some house work and we relaxed.

Wednesday- We spent the day with Shannon. She’s the friend who is moving to Dallas. We went to a park to play in the water features but Lilah didn’t like them very much. I think she was tired and unfamiliar with the kids and the surroundings. Plus the water would splash her face and why play in the water when their are swings and slides. So the kids played and we enjoyed grapes. Eden liked the grapes. We went back to Shannon’s house to eat lunch and let the kids play. Then we picked her daughter up and then the rental van they would be using until they left. It was fun to drive a new mini van. We then let the kids play some more at her house. Lilah and the kids played outside in the sand box. She got sand everywhere. I had to wash her sheets and she had it in her pull-up. I swept about a half cup of sand up from the floor. It was crazy.
We went to IHOP for dinner, ( I saw a commercial or the Beniets, and wanted them, so we went…it was our date night) We then went grocery shopping and bought tons of produce because Smiths was having great sales.
It was a fun day.

Thursday- I went on campus for my exit interview for the graduation packet. It’s so much trouble. Then I dropped it off for the chair to sign and Jon had to pick it up the next day.( I now only need to pay and then I should be set for graduating as long as I pass all my classes.) We visited my friend Mary. Her daughter Maddy is just a few months younger than Lilah and she has a new son who is just a month old, Jacob. It was fun to visit and talk with her.

Friday- today I’ve accomplished very little. I have done the dishes, at least one load, and a load of clothes, but they still need to be folded. I’m been on the computer a lot and just haven’t accomplished much. Some days just are less productive.
I should go shred papers and do more dishes.

After the girls went to bed the other night Jon decided to have the last piece of birthday cake. (It was a little dry so I was OK with him eating it.) Lilah came out and used the bathroom. I helped her and then gave Jon a vocal warning of “Here comes Lilah for her hug Daddy.” So he placed the cake on the table as to have it out of sight, but it was not enough to evade the Lilah senses. She gave Jon and hug and then asked for a cookie. We said we didn’t have any cookies, so she asked what Daddy was eating. We said he wasn’t eating anything. (I know it was a lie but you can’t tell a two year old we’re having cake without you.) So as I took her to the bedroom she asked “What I smell?” refereeing to Jon’s chocolate cake breath. We just laughed once she was down.
It’s amazing the sense of smell she has and that she connects the scent to certain foods. I had a piece of beef jerky as they were napping but she got up and when I put her down again she asked for beef jerky. If she smells something on my breath she’ll want to look into my mouth to see what I have.
This is just a warning. Children have a great sense of smell when it comes to treats. They also have a great ear. They hear the bag opening and they come running to see what you’re eating.

We enjoyed a family gathering with Jon’s family on Saturday. Jon and Lilah went swimming with everyone and I kept watch over Eden and talked with his parents. I was to bloated to go swimming. I titled this the woes of the red monster because I’m experiencing the red monster, other wise known as a period or menstrual cycle, (who knows what my posterity will call it.) It’s not fun because I’m getting one every week. Yes, every week for the past three weeks and it’s not lite little things. The first day is hardly anything, and then the next two days are heavy flow. I would have gone swimming had it not been so heavy. I feel that my sad days are linked to the period also. A day before it starts I am susceptible to instant sadness, well not instant, just a quick change of mood I suppose. Mostly it’s over being lonely. I was so distracted by school that I didn’t have time to do much of anything else. With being in school I also socialized with my other classmates, and I got enough people interaction. Now I feel like a complete loner. I hate having to make people come to me since I don’t have a car or a very large house, and I also realize how closed off I am to other people. I’m also sad because the one woman that I feel comfortable with is moving this Thursday to Dallas. It just makes me sad. We just get along really well and both talk a lot. She’s fun and I’ll miss that I wasn’t able to get together more often with her. I don’t make friends easily, I’m so connected to my family that I often don’t think about making friends, and now I feel trapped and alone. It’s also that so many of my friends or family live far away, so visits are limited. Kristi is going to try to have a weekly play date with me and bring over the kids, so I look forward to that. I also just feel a little isolated from the other women my age in my ward. I relate well enough to some but it’s hard to go out and spend time with them.
I’m just a little lonely I suppose plus the ranging hormones of nursing and frequent periods aren’t helping.
I just want to say it’s not everyday I fell this. Just one or two days a week. I don’ t dwell on it, I just become sad and sometimes cry when I think about it. I’m hoping that seeing new people and getting out with the girls will help.
I’m hoping that when we get the second car I’ll find a new freedom. I hope to go to the library and maybe some parks that have the water game, and I’ll need to invite another woman along.

So we decided we didn’t need to replace the linoleum. Thank goodness. Jon bought the toilet, he had to drive to a far away home improvement store because the one near us didn’t have the correct kind of toilet. When he bought the toilet the guy at the store said the tank we had would fit, but Jon was skeptical and for good reason. It’s didn’t fit. We had to return the tank to get a compact one that would go with a ten inch rough in toilet. We installed it and it appears to have a leak at the the seal where the valve goes into the toilet. Not the valve but the plug around it. Anyways now we need to return a second tank. Hopefully the third will work. With having one toilet Jon has appreciated having two, especially with a little girl who likes to spend forever on the toilet, when you get her to use it. So the hole in the floor is covered, but we don’t have two working toilets yet.
I admit I do like having new toilets. Their’s something nice knowing who has used them, it makes cleaning them a little less disgusting.