Is It Naptime Yet

Lilah gave a talk on Sunday. It was funny because they had the Sunbeam class do the talk, scripture and closing prayer. Out of the three kids, Lilah was the loudest! Jon thinks she had the advantage because she couldn’t see everyone over the little pulpit and the others could and then be nervous.

I procrastinated writing the talk. Well really I forgot and then I only had time on Saturday night between a baby shower and a movie night with the relief society. I didn’t have time to practice with her until Sunday morning. She didn’t do too well so I was a little worried and frustrated. She liked to start talking while I was telling her what to say, so it got all jumbled. I took her out from her class to practice, since they do the talk at the end of the block, and she did well listening to what I said and then repeating. This is the topic and talk I had planned for her to give, but I cut out parts and she only gave the regular print. It was funny because I was shaking when it was all done.

I have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. He will help me keep the commandments.

I have faith in Jesus. I have faith because I can not see Jesus but I can feel his love for me though the Holy Ghost and through the love of my family. Heavenly Father gives us commandments. Commandments are rules for us to follow while on earth. I know that I should keep God’s commandments but sometimes I do not follow the commandments. I know that if I trust in Jesus and have faith that he will help me keep God’s commandments. Heavenly Father sent me to parents that would teach me about his commandments and help me to keep them. I have faith that I can Keeps God’s commandments and feel his love when I do what is right

Well once Eden’s back hair became long enough to put in pig tales I was ecstatic. In the past few months the back hair has grown, but not much of anything else….which gave my precious baby a mullet. Now it was the cutest mullet you have ever seen, but a mullet none the less. Lately Eden’s hair has started to fill in . You can see that it’s getting a little thicker up top, which made the mullet look even thinner. Well last night we gave the girls a bath and then bit the bullet and cut Eden’s mullet. Now she looks a little like a boy, but at least her hair looks nice when I don’t have time to put it up in pig tales, but it’s all gone. I felt a little bad cutting it off. She loves to play with her hair when she’s bored or when she goes to sleep. Now it’s gone.
Here’s some before and after pictures.

She’s cute but so scraggly.

right before the cut.

Jon did the cutting.

Here she is today….so cute even without hair.

Yesterday was a fun day. I got my house tidied in the morning and then my friend Danielle came over. She came to visit teach me, but we talked for a while also. Danielle is due to have her fist baby in February. I must say I’m a little jealous. I enjoyed giving birth. The pain is not fun, but the experience as a whole is very fulfilling. You discover muscles and parts of your body that you didn’t know existed. The feeling of having a baby come out of you is something that is indescribable. I hate that it takes nine months of waiting for the experience and for me it was over with a few hours, and the pushing was over in mere minutes. It’s goes fast, probably the way it should, but it’s amazing to be done and know that you gave birth to a baby. I loved labor. So as strange as it sounds I am envious of my pregnant friends.
Danielle left around 11:45 and then my friend Anna came over for lunch. Since she now works four 10 hour days rather then five 8 hour days, she has Thursday off and she spent the afternoon at my house. We played with the girls and eventually we went outside for the girls to play. She thinks I should see the light of day more often and that I should let my children get dirty. She also plans on laughing at me once I have my first boy…..since I don’t like dirt.
Once Anna left I put the girls down for their naps and minutes later a counselor in my ward’s relief society called me. We talk and then I check my e-mail and then my MIL called to tell me there was a mother who home schools her 8 children on Oprah. After I watched the segment she called back and we chatted some more. Then an old friend from high school called me back. She’s getting married this March so I wanted to catch up a little with her.
Before I knew it it was 5:40 and I had to get dinner ready. Lilah wanted to play pirates, so I tired to get things cooked and engage her in a game of “eye spy”.
After dinner I took Eden to Target with me. She had a field day in the parking lot and on the way there. She was pointing at every moving car and saying car. It was so cute.
Anyways at the end of the day I realized times flies.
It’s crazy. Here I am 23, married with 2 kids and soon to celebrate my 5th anniversary. I can’t believe it. Life happens so fast.

NEWS: Eden is finally calling me mama!! I love to hear her talk lately. The other day she said car when she heard one go by outside, and she’s coming up to me and saying mama. I love it when my girls finally call me mama. She also says color now. She loves crayons and loves to color. Yesterday she also decided to eat the crayons. Yummy green crayon.
The other day I realized Eden was a toddler when I heard her coming down the hall repeating “no, no, no.” to herself. It almost makes me want to have another one.
The title of this blog comes from Eden. She just came up to me and called me mama and the cartoon frog on my shirt Dada. I suppose you could say it looks like Jon, but I think she was just confused.

Conversation with Lilah at lunch the other day:
Me: “Lilah what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Lilah: “I want to be a doctor.”
Me: ” A doctor. I bet you’ll make a good doctor.”
Lilah:” What do you want to be when you grow up Mommy?”
Me: ” I’m a mom. I want to be a mom when I grow up.”
Lilah: “You can be a doctor like me. Okay Mommy.”
Jon called her a budding feminist.

Before all this happened I was very happily married and I found much sanctuary in my husband.
It seems that I’ve been so angry lately that I remember to love him because I should love him, but I often forgot why I loved him in some ways. Shortly before I found out about his new beliefs we attended the Dixie Chicks concert. I loved sitting there holding Jon’s hand and singing. On there newest CD, Taking the Long Way, they have a song titled Easy Silence. This song made and makes me think of Jon. Most of the song it about their own trials and what they’ve been through, so I don’t relate to that part but I relate to the chorus:

Easy silence that you make for me
It’s okay when there’s nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me

When they sang this song the night of the concert I believe I sang into Jon’s ear. It’s how he made me feel and makes me feel. Relaxed and accepted. He was the one person I totally exposed myself to without the worries of judgment. Well I worried, but in some ways I did not.
With all the anger I’ve had lately I’d forgotten about the comfort I had with him and the love I felt.
Saturday night PBS’s Austin City Limits had the Dixie Chicks performing. We came upon it and decided to stay up late to watch. The song Easy Silence came on and in a way I felt a lot of the love that I had been withholding from Jon come out. Part of the wall I had built was taken down.

I’m trying to love Jon throughout this ordeal. Really I haven’t stopped. It’s just at certain moments I feel that I have very little love for him, and a whole lot of anger, which is natural. The only way I can make it through this is to love my husband, my children, myself but most importantly my God.

I just want to thank everyone for their love and support. This is a cheesy way to do it, but I’m grateful to have so many friends and family who love me.
I have known for a while about Jon. Most of the sadness is from having to tell others. I hate worrying others. I am doing okay.
I just feel shaken from a dream to a harsh reality of questions and choices. I am finding my strength from others around me.
I was able to go to the Temple Wednesday, so that was enjoyable. It was a session in which some from our Relief Society attended together so I was able to sit and talk with my Relief Society President, whom I have grown to love in this year in the ward, she helped to give me comfort.

Wednesday was just hectic. After having a relaxing morning at the temple and lunch I came home to the craziness of telling and bringing this change into the open. It was just so much.

I want to say and make it clear. Jon loves me. He is supporting me in my decision to stay active in the church. He is not trying to convert me to his beliefs. He is planning on sharing these ideas with our children. After all it is who he is now and I sympathize with him not wanting to hide who he is. I don’t like it, but I just hope that I am able to provide a sure foundation for my children with a belief in God and his love for them.

It’s interesting because I’ve heard a lot from his older sister Annie. Annie is one of Jon’s sisters and is eight years older than he. She and her family are not active in the church and we haven’t really had to many religious discussions. One reason for that is we only see each other at family gatherings, in which the parents are there. We usually don’t discuss religion, but even if it comes up she is respectful to our parents and tries not to disrespect their love for the church. I find it refreshing that we’re able to talk more about religion. In some ways I think I have a lot in common with her, and now I believe her and Jon have more in common.

I am finding my footing. I am finding my strength. I hope I can endure and find the truth for myself.
My heart aches when I have had thoughts that the church is not true. I see that as a sign that it is true.

I may just be using this as a coping mechanism, but I know there are many religions out there. I think many have truths to them. A leader in my life says it’s so Satan can lead them away from the true church. I think it is so people can find some solace in God in a way that helps them, or perhaps no God. At one point I could have seen his point. Now I see that even if someone is not a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day saints, and they wish not to be, then hopefully they are still living a good life. I think and know Jon will continue to live a good life. This new decision is what helps him make good choices. That’s fine.
The church at times can be restrictive and people can be driven by guilt and fear. I know I have had those times in my life. As I talked to one friend she mentioned how the church is really seen differently through each members eyes.
People adapt any religion to what they see is right for them. What brings me comfort may not bring you comfort. What motivates someone not to sin could crush the spirit of another.
I think I have found more love for those outside of my beliefs. I have more sympathy for those who do not believe as I do.
I hope Heavenly Father is merciful to all.

So Yesterday was the day I exposed myself to the world. Even though it was his choice I still worry about judgment in the years to come from those who do not understand or refuse to try. To be able to talk openly about it is a relief, but as we are exposed it can bring deeper hurt and opportunities for new judgment. Most people I know send love and support. I am grateful for that. In a way I worry about my own judgment and self doubt, not others. I hope to come out of this stronger. I hope to help my children choose a good path. I worry that I will be lost and then my own will also. I wish away my situation but it still lingers and longs to be dealt with. I know my husband says he loves me but I’ve never felt more alone as I do now.

I feel as though my inadequacies are being measured.
I feel as though I have to begin anew.
What I thought has been taken from me.
What I knew has been altered till unrecognizable.
I am naked before myself, yet all I see is nothingness.

Jon wrote his family another e-mail. I said his first e-mail was too vague and that he needed to expand since the blog does little to do that as of now Here’s his second e-mail.

I have realized (it has been pointed out to me, anyway) how cruel it
is to withhold the whole story. I guess the blog is more aimed at
telling the story well for my posterity than being informative to
those who have no idea what I’m talking about. So here’s the story in
a nutshell:

As Lilah and Eden grew and started to ask questions (mostly Lilah) I
knew that I would be teaching them to believe in Mormonism. This
reawakened old doubts that I had been hiding from for years. I decided
that I had to know for myself. I couldn’t lie to them and say that I
was sure when I wasn’t. So I studied and prayed like we’ve been taught
to do. My studies took me outside of the comfortable mainstream of
Mormonism to faithful LDS authors who reported Mormon history as it
was, not as we might wish it to be. My doubts were being confirmed
rather than quieted. In the midst of this, I began to hear about some
recent atheist books published partially in reaction to the religious
fundamentalism which motivated the 9/11 attacks. As I heard the
authors’ arguments, I experienced a radical awakening where I suddenly
realized that everything that I had believed about Mormonism was the
product of self-deceit. This realization, while at times frightening,
brought me unexpected peace and joy.

If I must label myself now, I would say that I am ultimately agnostic,
because I believe that no one (including myself) can have true
certainty about anything. However, the evidence – or lack thereof –
forces me to believe that there is no supreme being, lovingly
intervening in our lives.

This will terrify some, I think. I would have been very worried if I
heard this about someone in our family just a couple of years ago. We
have come to rely on God to protect us against many frightening
things. What I didn’t realize before is that it is possible to live a
perfectly happy, moral life without believing in God. I am happy,
contrary to what I would have expected. I want to be moral (in the
broad sense, not just sexually) because of my empathy for others and
because it is the path to happiness.

If Mormonism is true, then I was doing it very, very wrong. It was the
source of unnecessary anxiety in my life as I tried to be obedient. I
constantly worried about reaching the Celestial Kingdom.
Paradoxically, the less I worried about being obedient, the happier I
was. The happier I was, the more I wanted to be good and help other
people. The people who are the happiest in Mormonism must either have
become supremely self-disciplined or have come to terms with their own
mediocrity. I never managed to do either.

My conscience began to jab me in the ribs every time I participated in
the Church in a way that falsely implied that I believed. But I didn’t
want to leave until I had given it my best shot to get back on the
bandwagon. So I kept this change of heart secret from April of last
year in the hopes that I would return to sanity and that I wouldn’t
need to hurt my family. As I studied and prayed, the separation
between me and God only deepened. The Scriptures where full of ideas
that I found unbelievable or even repugnant. I felt like my prayers
were going no further than the inside of my own skull – like they
always had, now that I thought about it.

So late last year I told Lacey. Things still didn’t change. So last
week, I decided that enough was enough. I sent in a letter of
resignation from my church callings last week. I always hated when
family members weren’t active in the Church for reasons that I
couldn’t really figure out. Instead of asking them what their reasons
were (which I thought might be impolite because I assumed that they
were ashamed of whatever reasons they may have), I played a guessing
game.

I didn’t want that to happen in my case. I plan to say it loud and
proud, as they say. I don’t want that silence between me and any of my
family any more. So I’m leaving the Church, those are my reasons, and
no, I’m not ashamed.

What everyone is probably more worried about is how Lacey and I are
doing. I am fairly confident that most of you are more worried about
Lacey than about me. No… it’s okay: I understand. 🙂

I realize that this is completely unfair to Lacey. I’ve changed the
ground rules that we agreed to when we were married. I’m doing my best
to make as few changes to our lives as possible (e.g. I help with the
children in Sacrament Meeting and support her in paying a full tithe).
I am fully supportive of the choices that she makes. I’m not trying to
persuade her to follow me to the dark side. If she catches me on a
good day, I don’t think there’s anything that she could do to make me
stop loving her. We’re talking. We’re trying to find ways to adjust so
that we can preserve the wonderful marriage that we have.

I am hopeful for the future.

With Love,

Jonathan

Parts of the letter were news to me. I did not know that he has felt this way since April and I did not know the whole story about his reasons for looking because of teaching the girls.

In some ways I have tried to be quiet and not hear or question him about his beliefs.One reason for that is when I do he seems to already have an answer and I seem baffled. Jon says that he’s already been over these questions in his mind and that’s why he has an answer. (I told him I hate how he has an answer for everything I bring up lately.)

I’m also trying to stay somewhat ignorant to the details of his beliefs until I am stronger in my own convictions. He understands this. I feel as though my doubts are real through his doubts, but I want to come to a much different conclusion than he has.

I suppose I have felt lukewarm in the church. I think I know it’s true but I can’t pinpoint any time in my life where I have felt with conviction that I knew. I suppose this might be the trial that does it even if it takes time. I am trying to love him despite all this. At times I do not, but overall I do. It’s just hard to see and realize the vast difference in our beliefs. It hurts to see them. It hurts to think of my children having such different veiwpoints taught to them.
In some ways I have a lot to post on this subject in others I do not. Some nights we stay up late arguing, well not arguing as much as me being upset and crying at him. Other nights we’re able to discuss.
I’m saddened by so many things now that I don’t have words to describe. I have so many questions to ask and situations to figure out that I can’t see road before me.
I hope only to have the love and support of family and friends.

So on this change I sent out a personal e-mail to my family. I thought of sending one out to my friends but then I decided, if you don’t check my blog and I don’t see you often enough to tell you this change in person then when/if you find out will be the appropriate time, rather then giving this info out to everyone I keep loosely in touch with over e-mail. If you check my blog regularly, then you care enough about my life, or are noisy enough about my life to find out this information. I know there are plenty of people who care who do not check regularly, but for now all I’m able to deal with are those who do.
This will seems a little coarse of an intro to what I’m about to post, but I think I’m at that point in my day where I want to be coarse and not sappy.

The following is an e-mail I sent to my immediate family members today.
Dear Family,

Jon has recently made, though it has been a long process, a personal change. The following is a copy of a e-mail he sent to his family members. I on the other hand I will bluntly state that he no longer is participating or believes in the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I still love him deeply and he is still very much the same person he was before. It’s not like he’s flipped some switch and is completely different. He still loves me and the girls and we are staying together to figure this out.
The letter includes a link to his blog where he will try to help those around him understand and see how he came to this decision. He is not trying to persuade anyone to believe as he does. He just wants others to understand him a little more so that confusion, heartache or anger may be lessened by reading. He is not bitter towards the church and he is not leaving because of some sin. His beliefs have just been altered so much that he cannot pretend to believe. He still supports me with raising our girls in the church. He is not trying to persuade me to believe has he does.
Please bookmark the below link because it will be updated and a continuing development for a period of time, after a while it will be more of his own outlet on his new beliefs, but for now it will slowly tell his story of change.
For those who are finding out this information for the first time, I am sorry I did not tell you in person or over the phone. It’s just been chaotic and I feel a little drained from it all. The thought of telling one more person hurts me physically and just seems to open the wounds I have. Over all I am doing OK, but I am saddened by the loss of my eternal companion.

Love,
Lacey

Greetings All,

I am beginning to blog about some recent personal changes. I feel that
blogging is the most appropriate way to inform you of these changes. I
communicate much more clearly when I have the chance to search out
words to more accurately reflect my thoughts. Though this method is not
as personal a phone call, I think it will help us to end up with a
better understanding of each other when all is said and done.

I ask that you do not discuss this with Mom and Dad until I have a
chance to do it myself. I’m trying to decide how to tell them in a way
that will convey my deep love and respect for them and minimize the
heartache that will surely follow. Any suggestions you may have would
be most appreciated. I regret that they will have to adjust to these
changes at this time in their lives.

http://www.blakeclan.org/jon/greenoasis/

With my love,

Jonathan

I have had this knowledge since November 29, 2006.

I’ll elaborate more later this week. For now I am drained.

Bear with this post. It’s mostly written in my train of thought, like most are, but this one goes from subject to subject. Just think of it as a long winded conversation with me. Like so many of you have had with me before. 🙂

The UNLV semester starts tomorrow. I was oblivious to this until talking to my sister last week. I was also oblivious to the fact that today was a holiday until I was picking Jon up from work on Friday and his manager asked what we were doing with the long weekend. It seems that without a school schedule to follow my life goes on and I am oblivious to time, except weekends when we have baby showers or activities to do.
Last week is a blur. I know I kept my house presentable. I worked out twice. I had a goal of posting pictures of different rooms and spaces of our house so my SIL Annie could see what it looked like. I was also going to use them as a before and after, in hopes that I am able to transform my little home this year. I got the bedroom pictures taken but nothing else. I sewed nursing blankets for a baby shower I went to on Saturday. (They’re light weight cotton fabric with a lace or border. So a mother doesn’t get too hot while nursing. They’re also perfect for swaddling the baby, covering the car seat to keep the sun out and so many other things. My girls are blanket girls, so the nursing blankets my mom made became their comfort blankets.) I had fun making them. I didn’t realize how experience comes into play even when sewing a straight line. The problem is keeping the lace or border in place while sewing a straight line at the appropriate hem distance. I hope she forgives the discrepancies. I’m a terrible seamstress because depending on the project and what goes wrong I don’t take it out. I hate taking out seams!! So I avoid this at all costs, which doesn’t mean I’m a good seamstress, it just means that I let little things slide. I learned some things while sewing these blankets so if I ever decide to make them again, maybe I can remember the small errors I made.
That was pretty much my week. sewing, cleaning and playing. My how I have less to talk about now that I don’t have school.
Lilah and Eden also had a birthday party on Friday morning. They had tons of fun, playing, coloring and popping bubbles. The weather was freezing but worth the outing.

I’ve been getting along well with the girls. Eden said stuck twice last night in context. She brought this box of books to me and said stuck because the books wouldn’t come out for her. She also said cold today when she went outside with Jon this morning and had nothing but a onsie and pants on. Most of her phrases come and go, but it’s so fun to see her learn.
Lilah is Lilah. She has this habit of baby talking or using a whiny voice the fist time she says something until I ask her to say it in a big girl voice. ( I know I’ve blogged about this before.) I think I’m going to cut out Caillou. I don’t know if this show really causes her whining, but I’ve heard from other moms that their kids whine less when they don’t watch Caillou. That’s really our next obstacle with her. I’m not sure if she does it because of Eden or if she wants the attention. She also only seems to do it to us and at home. When other people are around or if she’s not at home she’s fine. It’s just frustrating.
She did well her second week in Primary. She totally loves it!
Lilah also has enjoyed keeping the house clean for Daddy. When I ask her to help pick up she always replies “So we can have it clean for Daddy?” I feel I’m achieving this goal well. I also feel that I’m always tidying and cleaning! It’s worth it though because I feel a little more comfortable in my space and not so ashamed because I have a chaotic table, dishes in my sink or toys everywhere because I don’t, usually. I feel that I’ve worked on each goal this week. Which is an improvement.

This week my goals are to work out twice and do the toning exercise once. I also hope to do sewing on my curtain tabs and read my scriptures at least three times. ( I did read once last week, not good but better than none. ) I think if I state my goals here, then hopefully I can have the motivation to do them so I can report back. So this is my new goal until I fulfill the goals or they are habits. So I’ll blog about my weekly goals and report back. Just a warning so you don’t have to read them but it might help if I get the support 🙂

That’s your weekly Blake update.

P.S. Jon’s checked and my degree has been posted! ( Jon was worried that I may have not completed all the requirements, because sometimes they have to deny people because they were misinformed by their advisor.) Now all I have to do it wait for the diploma to come in the mail! I’ve been looking for the perfect frame to put it in, but I haven’t found it yet. My friend Anna has a floating frame for hers and her husband. I’ve seen them at Joann’s but I’ve never had the money to spend because I was always spending it on something else! I really want a floating frame with a black frame, or one like my sisters where there is a white mat and a black frame. I’m excited to get the diploma and hang it!