Lately we’ve been having a lot of discussions with Lilah on trust, telling the truth, and lying. Mostly we’ve tried to give examples of lying and then talking to her when we think she’s lying.
Like she had this rude habit of growling at you if you said or told her to do something she didn’t like. It might have been slightly micromanaging, but we we’re trying to teach her it’s not polite to growl at us just because she’s upset at what we had to say. When I’ve pointed out she’s growled and made her go to time out she would lie and say she was just clearing her throat. I would calmly confront her and explain why I thought she was lying about clearing her throat, but she would continue to deny it was a growl at us. Fortunately the growling has stopped, but there continue to be other teaching moments about lying.
When Lilah lies I try not to lay on the guilt or discipline super heavy. We try to explain that a loss of trust is what happens when she lies, and that is the main consequence. When she growled at me the time out was for growling at me, not lying about growling at me.
Tonight Lilah had her first “confession” of something she had done wrong. I’m know their have been other times she’s lied, but she could have gotten away with it tonight had she not felt guilt and the need to tell us what she had done.
The girls had been put to bed and about 20 minutes later Lilah came out. I asked her what she wanted, and she just continued to go to the kitchen. I told her to get back in bed and eventually she came out of the kitchen and went to Jon. She then started to get teary eyed, something I had no sympathy for. Jon asked her what was wrong and she told us she had eaten a piece of candy. Apparently she had taken this candy to bed rather than putting it in the candy bucket, and after eating it needed to throw the wrapper away. We reacted calmly and told her the consequence would be not having candy tomorrow, but were thankful she had told us. Jon put her into bed and I came into give more hugs. I talked to her about the candy incident and she began to cry again saying she had forgotten, her most used excuse. I stayed calmed and talked about why I knew, she knew, that candy was not allowed that night. I let her know that I loved her and was happy that she had told us the truth, but she wouldn’t have any candy tomorrow. Some might see her crying as a manipulation, but I know it was from feeling bad that she had done something wrong.
We’re dealing with lying on a very low key basis. We’re trying to instill that a loss of trust means a loss freedom. If I can’t trust her to not tickle me when I hug her, than our hugs are restricted to such a way that she can’t tickle me. If I can’t trust her to not play with the tape measure, it’s taken away and I mention that the consequence is from a loss of trust.
I want my children to feel that they can still come to us without us blowing things out of proportion if they’ve lied to us or someone else. A loss of trust can be a devastating thing, they don’t need to feel any extra burden of punishment from me. I want them to feel the loss of trust, which then becomes a loss of freedom, is the worst consequence, not my wrath.