Is It Naptime Yet

1. Well behaved girls. People don’t mind watching them for hours on end because they’re so wonderful.
2. Patience for sewing. I was 12 when I first attempted sewing, but it was just a pillow, than 16 the second time and I swore off machines at that point. I’m grateful I started up again at 21 and had a mom who taught me/ still teaches me when I have a question. I’ve created many things since and have enjoyed most of the outcomes.
3. Naps. Today was a yoga day. I take a nap nearly every yoga day and I am thankful I can. It’s also fun to cuddle with Eden since we take our naps together.
4. A warm home. It might be a little drafty but I’m glad that we control the temperature and afford to keep it warm or cool during the hot summer months.
5. An education. Jon starts school today. I’m thankful he’s pursuing his higher education even farther for his Masters and I’m thankful that I was able to finish my Bachelors and I can’t  believe it’s been two years.

My friend Beth’s daughter, Hannah, is going to be in the play Aladdin for her acting class. She needs her costumes sewn, and Beth asked me and I said yes.

I thought it was a shirt and some pants, but it’s a shirt, pants, sash, long gown, like a Shepard, with a cover coat, also like a Shepard, it’s literally from a nativity pattern. (I don’t blame Beth though because she didn’t know how much had to be sewn until we looked at the web page.)

Oh, since we were both so busy with the Holidays I have a week, maybe a week and a half to sew them. The play is on the 23rd, but of course they have dress rehearsal earlier that week.

Beth and her daughters be watching the girls for me when they can so they’re not totally neglected and so Lilah will still get some school in.

I’ll be cutting out the patterns tomorrow and the fabric on Monday. Hopefully I can start sewing something Tuesday and be done by Friday.

Most of the things are relatively easy, the shirt will be the most difficult part.

I don’t know what we’ll be eating over the next week, so maybe I should go to Smith’s and stock up on Pizza’s, or have Beth pay me in dinners, though she doesn’t cook much so she’d be buying them and that would total more than I’d want to have her pay me. She’s wanting to pay me, but I’m not really wanting her to pay me, except it is a lot, but she does a lot for us.

I think I’m crazy.

On an up note I did sew yesterday and finish some gifts for my friend Sam. I’m giving them to her tomorrow so I’ll post pictures after I know they’re in her hands. It felt really good to sew and create something, since I was kinda avoiding my machine for some unknown reason during the holiday.

I think I now know why I was avoiding it.

Yesterday I was inspecting my incredibly ugly scars from different mole removals before I got into my shower and I noticed pigment in the scar of a mole that was removed last September, or whenever my last dermatologist appointment was.

I was freaked out when I saw this.

You see the last time I had pigment in a scar they sutured me for a second time on my right shoulder. This mole was also on the right shoulder. I didn’t know if the tests had shown it was precancerous or not because if they think they’ve removed all the cells they don’t call you and let you know, they just wait till your next appointment.

So while I took my shower I wondered what the heck I was gonna do if they had to suture and I knew they were going to need to suture me because 4 out of the 5 moles I knew the results to were precancerous, and so this mole, statistically, probably was too.

I wondered why I hadn’t noticed it sooner.

Sure it was on my back and I don’t normally do body inspections, plus when Jon sees enough skin to see my scars he’s not thinking about my scars, let alone inspecting them.

I was just upset that I hadn’t looked at it sooner. If I had it could have been sutured while Jon was on vacation over the last two holiday weeks, where as now he was back to his regular meeting attending schedule and to take even a week off would be difficult. I’d have to deal with my aching, healing shoulder, needy kids, and messy house all alone, and he’d have to do double duty for a couple weeks until I could even bend over to put or take dishes out of the dishwasher.

This sucked.

I took a little longer shower than I normally do as I tried try to let my mind settle on the thought of another surgery.

I remembered the pulling of my skin as the doctor put stitches in my shoulder and the piercing pain like needles being pushed deep within my shoulder when I did too much. Feeling like needles are in your shoulder I guess is a natural affect of having layers of skin and tissue removed.

I also envisioned my scarred body as I got yet another long scar in my right shoulder.

I was becoming a regular cross stitch, just with ugly results, not beautiful pictures.

I knew I needed to call my doctor’s office to confirm my suspicions, but once out of the hot shower I dried off and put my robe on and the first thing I did was instant message Jon. Instant messaging is how I keep in touch with him throughout the day, or whenever we need to talk.

“I just noticed pigment in a mole Dr. Betten removed in September. I’m going to call to see if it was precancerous and if it was she’ll have to suture it, if it wasn’t precancerous I imagine it won’t matter.”

I sent the message and then called my doctor’s office.

I dialed the number and waited.

“Dr. Betten’s office, will you please hold?”

“Yes.”

I listened to the sunny hits being played on the other end of the line, somewhat mocking my depressed mood.

“Hello, this is Tammy, how can I help you?”

I rattled off my situation as quickly as possible, not wanting to take too much time, but also wanting to get the information I needed as soon as possible.

“Hi, um, I’m a patient of Dr. Betten’s and I just noticed pigment in a mole she removed the last time I saw her. My name’s Lacey Blake. The last time this happened the mole had been precancerous and needed to be sutured so I was wondering if you could look at the results and see if it was precancerous and if I needed to come in sooner than my March appointment?”

“OK, let me get your file. Hold one minute.”

onto the night
Hold onto the memories
I wish that I could give you something more
and I could

“Hi Lacey, the tests turned out just fine.”

“The test from my last appointment?”

“Yeah.”

“On my right shoulder? It wasn’t precancerous?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t precancerous, you don’t need to come in.”

Huge burden lifted from my shoulders.

“Great! Thank you so much.”

Jon finally replies to my instant message.

“Sorry, I just noticed your IM. If you call, can you make my appointment, pretty please. Check my calendar, but mornings are usually safe.”

“I just hung up.”

“Darn.”

Just a short note:

I’m thinking of writing a personal memoir of my experiences with my mole removal and scars, coming to terms with a body I don’t always like and hopefully learning that being cut and tested piece by piece is a good thing in the long term.

It’s also to help me improve on my writing skills.

This is more of a personal post about what my morning was like yesterday, but I think it will be very similar to the style of writing I want to practice; drama with comic relief and then possibly some posts with comedy and dramatic relief, though I think writing comically will be a stretch for me.

It’s probably going to be more of a memoir for me, but I may post it, or the chapters on my blog, or make a separate blog, or keep it to myself. I haven’t decided yet.

Was this interesting to you at all or am I just a narcissus?

What would you improve upon writing wise?

After Thanksgiving my husband starting doing a weekly post on 5 things he’s grateful for that day, or week I suppose. He started doing this to help him focus on the positive, rather than the negative, and to be a happier person in general. Lately I see myself easily getting down and comparing myself or my life to other’s and not measuring up. To help me stay focused and positive I too am going to start a list of 5 things I’m grateful for each week starting today.

1. A wonderful husband, who regardless of being an aethiest, got me and the girls Christmas presents and told me when Christmas programs were on that he thought I would like and watched them with me and the girls.
2. Two healthy beautiful girls.
3. The gospel of Jesus Christ.
4. A home.
5. A, realatively, healthy body. (Right now it’s not at it’s healthiest but I’m trying to remedy that.)

For the first time all the dirty dishes in my house fit in my dishwasher and are being cleaned as we speak, er, as I write, I mean type, as of this very moment.

I know you’re so proud.

I did dishes last night, and then just now, and now my sink is empty, void, of dirty dishes.

OK, so I don’t have much to blog about right now, but having a clean sink does make me happy.

Maybe the Flylady does have something on having a clean sink, I’m just not willing to stash dirty dishes under my sink to keep the illusion of clean.

If it’s clean I want it to be clean for reals.

And mine is clean for reals and I am so happy.

Granted I do have times where my sink is clean and there are no dishes in the sink, but then there are dirty dishes in the dishwasher waiting for more dishes so I can start the load, but instead of being on top of it I let my sink get filled with dishes and then I’m back at square one; a full dishwasher with some left over dishes in the sink waiting to be cleaned but, hypothetically, if I empty my dishwasher before I make lunch I can have nearly all the dishes in my house clean and put away. I say nearly all because there are always the current water cups lying around.

I probably won’t be emptying my dishwasher before lunch, so it’s just a nice dream.

Hopefully I empty it before dinner.

I went to a funeral today.

It was for my friends’ son who died at six weeks old.

It was truly beautiful to see the love between these two people and their supportive family.

To see the small casket was heartbreaking.
To hear what they had laid in it with their son was uplifting.
An airplane that had stayed by their son’s side to show how much his father loved him and how much he would have, and wanted to, provide  for this little boy and his needs.
A blue and white blanket from a mother who would have wrapped her arms in love around her son every day.

It was hard to hear that Jack had never cried because of the need for life support he was never able to cry. It was hard to hear that they had not been able to hold their son till he was gone.

Two things I take for granted as a mother to two healthy girls.

Adam, the father, impressed me in his love for others who might be dealing with quiet, unseen, trials. Their trial was/ is very open but his love for others trials impressed me.

Elizabeth’s faith was inspiring.

I know I can only sympathize and give my love to this family. I know that I cannot know or truly understand what they’re going through because it has not happened to me. But I do love this couple, their older daughter, and their beloved son because they have shared so much over time as friends and over the internet with their blog.

It was a wonderful service and though I was happy to wrap my arms around Elizabeth and give her a hug, it was sad because of the circumstances.

Our Brightest Star
Written by Elizabeth Johanson

Life on Earth is filled with happiness;
Life on Earth is filled with love.
It’s filled with fun and joy and beauty –
And wondrous gifts from above.

But life here is also filled with sorrow;
Not void of grieve and pain.
It’s filled with hate, it’s filled with hurt,
It’s under Satan’s reign.

There are some of Father’s children,
– of this much I am sure –
Who have no right to suffer here –
Because they are too pure.

My little son, my precious one –
You are one of those
Who needn’t struggle through  this test;
You’ve passed it – Father’s knows.

So wait for us at Heaven’s gate;
Wait at Heaven’s door.
We promise we will meet you there;
We promise to endure.

And when we need you, and miss you so;
When we wonder how you are,
We’ll raise our eyes, and look above –
You’ll be our brightest star.

Love, Mommy

for

Jack Alexander Johanson
November 18, 2008- December 29, 2008

Since we had (still have) two sick girls and no life, Jon and I stayed home for News Years Eve.  Traditionally we have IBC root beer floats at midnight, but we were feeling frugal and had already bought some sparkling cider and neither of us wanted to go to the store so we enjoyed the sparkling cider after midnight.

We put the girls to bed around 8ish and tucked in for some movies. Jon had Netflixed Persepolis, which was rather interesting and intriguing. Then we popped in The Prestige about 20 minutes till midnight. We paused to see the worst fireworks show Las Vegas as ever given and kiss at midnight. (New regulations made the fireworks be fired off from ground level or the top of parking garages instead of the top of the hotels roofs. They had totally lame shots of the fireworks and I’m sure anyone who wasn’t totally plastered, and maybe some that were, thought that the fireworks weren’t that  good too.)

Jon had napped during the first movie so he was awake at he beginning of The Prestige, but he did not last long. I stayed up till 2:30am watching the movie and then some temping infomercials, though I think it was the sleep deprivation that made me want to buy a hair straightener and the pilates chair.   Eden also woke up for a short time after midnight due to being congested.

The girls woke up super early on News Years day, like 5 o’clock, and Jon stayed up with them while I slept in, with many interruptions mind you, till 10:30 am. I’m a little ashamed to admit I slept till 10:30, but I did.

We had a very lazy New Years. Eden loves lazy days where she’s able to keep her pajama’s on. I do not let them do that but Jon has and even today Eden was wearing her pajama’s till she decided she wanted to go outside at like 2:00 this afternoon.  Lilah was dressed today, but that’s only because she wore clothes to bed and has yet to change.

Chaos, utter chaos, when Jon is home.

That said with the very early morning on New Years day Eden took a super long nap, like she almost did not wake up from her nap, so we let her sleep longer but then she woke up at 8pm for a couple of hours and we sent her back to bed at 10pm.

Lilah feel asleep on the couch around 6:30pm and we put her to bed and she stayed there till 7:30 this morning.

It was a lazy New Years with two sick girls.

Today I finally did something productive outside the house, grocery shopping. We were completely out of milk and thus an expedition out of the house was necessary.

We still need to take down the tree so it can go in the trash for pick-up tomorrow, but as nap time approaches it may not happen unless we get motivated tonight. (funny note: Lilah saw a thing about taking your tree to the Springs Preserve to be recycled and she said we should do that, but I had to explain they wanted real trees not fake ones. So she then suggested that we grow our own tree and then cut it down next year to be recycled. )

Monday my yoga class begins and I’ve signed the girls up for a gymnastics class. If they’re over their coughs, and if Eden stops getting a fever every night, than they’re be able to go on Tuesday.

I just hope they’re better by Sunday so Eden can attend her first Sunday in Primary and so Lilah can be there to show her the  ropes.

My baby is going to be in Primary, I think I need to have another child but not for a couple years since life has taken some unexpected turns.

Happy News Years.

Also I am setting no goals this year. I never keep them or I only keep part of them, so this year my only goal is to continue going to Yoga and hope it doesn’t get cancelled due to the small class size.