Archive for June 13th, 2006


Tuesday, June 13th, 2006

Just so everyone knows before they read this. It sound’s like I’m down on myself, but really I’m just trying to sort through my thoughts about what I think about the education I’ve gained.

I’ve been school a long time. Sure it’s not as long as others, but I feel that it’s a part of me. I feel like I’ve been learning for a long time, but that I’ve gained little. I feel that most is my fault. I also worry about my retention of information. Some things that I should know I don’t, like certain psychologists and what they studied, and then I feel that I have information, but I don’t know how to communicate it. I feel lost. I’ve never enjoyed studying a whole lot or reading. Sometimes I do, but most often the books are tedious and uninteresting. I cram for a test and then forget most of the information. The last class I had that did accumulative exams was five semester ago, and that was a first in a while. I almost feel trained to study, remember and forget. I admit it is mostly me. I needed to put more time into my classes and what I was learning. I needed to remember the information, and not just learn it for a short time. I feel that much of what I learned I could apply it to life, if only I could remember how. I feel like a failure in some ways, yet I’ll still have a four year degree at the end of it.
I do know I’m smart, I have endearing qualities and insights, but I also feel so disconnected from the world around me. I don’t have a desire to gain insight like others. I mostly just feel naive and ignorant. I have a desire to want to know more but not always the will. I’m more about time…when I have the time to read, I’m tired. I watch TV to procrastinate and in a way it hide from the world. When I was younger I could get by with the way I learned and what I knew, but I feel that one day soon someone will figure out this intelligence is just a facade and I am really nothing. I’m surrounded by incredibly intelligent people and I feel so inadequate as a being. I want to know more and gain insight but I worry that even if I try, it will amount to nothing. On contrary I also feel that I have this responsibility to learn and gain insight. Heavenly Father has granted me this great mind and if I exercise it I can gain intelligence. I just feel disappointed in what I know and my will. Others around me already know so much or have a desire to gain knowledge, and I dread the thought of reading novels that cause me to think. I suppose it goes back to gaining certain things easily so when I need to exert effort I’m afraid of failure, and I fail by not trying.
I cut myself short. I know I’m not the only one. I just want myself to want more and not only want but to do more. I need the motivation. I hope to gain motivation, but I just wish their was more time and less distractions.