Archive for July 24th, 2006

one car, two car, red car, blue car

Monday, July 24th, 2006

Jon’s parents were going to give us there old car. An 88 Chevy Caprice. When I went on Saturday to get it smogged we made the discovery that it had recently been hit with, what we guess, a ball, which broke the windshield. It’s on the driver side. It has a shattered portion with lines going through the rest of it. Dad wanted to get it smogged anyways, but I decided, well Jon and I decided, that it might be better for them to just sell it to whomever wants to buy it and let them replace the windshield. We drove it around also, and the air didn’t appear to work either. It was a disappointing day.
I want a second car. I want to have some since of freedom or feeling that I can go and do things without inconveniencing Jon or my family. I want to be able to go and socialize with other mothers, but it’s hard to do with one car. We could afford another car, but we want to pay the mortgage down. I could also drive Jon to work and pick him up, so I can do things with the girls and other people. It’s such a pain, and it uses a lot of gas though. I guess I feel isolated and I was hoping a second car would liberate me and give me freedom and a new hope at finding more happiness at being home with the girls. Some days are great other days I get so annoyed with Lilah. I just don’t know what to do to entertain her sometimes. right now she’s sitting on the couch reading her books to herself. It’s quite cute.
I don’t know what it at the root of all this glumness. I want a second car, but part of me is relieved that the problems with the boat have happened. Part of me is desperately sad that they’ve happened. it’s more, is it worth it to fix the problems or should we just pass it on to who wants to fix it. Jon’s mom thinks that with all the little problems that we’ve had, maybe we’re not suppose to have the car. She may be right. I guess we’ll cut our loss. The semester will start and hopefully I’ll find something to focus my energy on. I should focus more on the girls, but it’s nice to not always be a mom. We’ll secure our finances and pay off the house debt so we can buy a minivan next year, either when one of the mortgages is paid off, or for when we have a third child. Which brings up my anxiety about having a third child.
I don’t know if I’m ready. I fell unhappy often enough as a mother that I worry about having a third and bringing it into my negative environment. I feel overwhelmed with two on days. Am I ready for a third? Part of it is also space. Where would we put a third child? Mostly it’s me. I’m so keenly aware of my shortcomings has a mother that I just don’t know if I could mentally handle having a third. I want to be happy with the two I have before I have another. I know that I have a lot of work to do. I do find that I am having more patience with Lilah, but I still need to work on it. I am enjoying my time with them, but I feel at a lost of what to do with them, as in to keep them occupied and happy, hence why I wanted a second car so I could go to libraries and other places of interest with them.
We’re also trying to get Lilah to stop whining. She often whines a question and then we tell her to ask nicely and she says nicely please….and whatever she wanted. She also repeatedly asks things even after we’ve said no or given her an answer. Our new line of defense to these problems will be to ignore her until she politely asks, and to ignore her after we’ve given her an answer. I think the asking politely without whining will take practice and it may take a few times of explaining to have her understand that we’re not ignoring her but trying to get her to ask politely the first time rather then whining the first time.
I also need to get the spiritual part of my life in line. I’m horrible a reading my scriptures, but I do try to pray everyday. I need to find myself relying on the Lord more and bringing the teachings of Christ more into my home. I went to a fireside last night for our ward missionaries. It was to encourage and help us to have faith to share the gospel with others. I found myself thinking about how I need to get the gospel more into my everyday life so I can have faith to share it.

It’s almost ten and I haven’t feed Eden her breakfast yet, she has nursed though. I suppose i should go and take care of my two darling girls.