Archive for November 11th, 2010


Late

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

With all the things that had been going on in her life, the absence of her period didn’t hit until Sunday. It was that morning that she realized she was three days late, and when your body runs like clockwork, she was almost sure she was pregnant, but how could she be when she has an IUD? This was a little nerve racking to her. She sat through church wondering and calculating when this baby, if there was a baby, would be due. It would be the end of June, very beginning of July. It would be perfect to happen right before their medical plan changes took affect, and maybe, just maybe, she was suppose to become a parent at this time in her life. Maybe Heavenly Father had a plan for her, because he knows that there is a part of her that says she will never have another child, at least if it was left to her completely.

Lets back up a little bit. Earlier in the year they found out that their medical insurance would be changing to a Health Savings Account and the deductible would sky rocket beginning July of 2011, so having a baby would be something they would have to save for, and would become a huge expense, medically. She tried to convince her husband that they should get pregnant right away, but he wasn’t going for it. It’s not that he didn’t want another baby, though he kinda doesn’t, but he didn’t want one right now just because their health insurance would be changing, and would like to wait till they are in another house.

So her dream of having a baby anytime soon died.

She once again consoled herself with the thoughts of how much work a child is. How much time they take, and how she would have to change her lifestyle completely if they were to have a baby.

She decided waiting was for the better, but she also has days where a baby was something she decided she never wanted. Those days are the days she’s trying to organize and all the baby stuff gets in the way, or all the clothes her youngest can’t wear continue to pile up, or the days she just wants order and to get rid of every damn thing in her house.

So there are days she doesn’t want another baby.

This Sunday her baby hunger came back. As she sat through sacrament and they blessed a one week old little girl, she wanted to so badly be pregnant. She wanted so badly to have a baby, but the thoughts of it also scared her. How would she and her husband raise this baby religiously? How would they make room in their tiny house? How would they be able to save and buy a larger house? How would they move with a baby if they bought a house?

She worried and ached for the baby at the same time.

She talked to her husband after church. She was so anxious, and he could see how it was affecting her, so he told her to go buy a pregnancy test.

After buying the test, she took it at home while her husband was with their older daughter. The test quickly came back negative, but silently she wished for it to be positive. She waited for that second blue line to appear, but it never did. Her younger daughter came knocking on the door, she wanted to play Uno. The mother asked her to wait and go play a little longer.

The blue line never appeared and that physical confirmation came just 24 hours later.

She was just late.