one car, two car, red car, blue car

Jon’s parents were going to give us there old car. An 88 Chevy Caprice. When I went on Saturday to get it smogged we made the discovery that it had recently been hit with, what we guess, a ball, which broke the windshield. It’s on the driver side. It has a shattered portion with lines going through the rest of it. Dad wanted to get it smogged anyways, but I decided, well Jon and I decided, that it might be better for them to just sell it to whomever wants to buy it and let them replace the windshield. We drove it around also, and the air didn’t appear to work either. It was a disappointing day.
I want a second car. I want to have some since of freedom or feeling that I can go and do things without inconveniencing Jon or my family. I want to be able to go and socialize with other mothers, but it’s hard to do with one car. We could afford another car, but we want to pay the mortgage down. I could also drive Jon to work and pick him up, so I can do things with the girls and other people. It’s such a pain, and it uses a lot of gas though. I guess I feel isolated and I was hoping a second car would liberate me and give me freedom and a new hope at finding more happiness at being home with the girls. Some days are great other days I get so annoyed with Lilah. I just don’t know what to do to entertain her sometimes. right now she’s sitting on the couch reading her books to herself. It’s quite cute.
I don’t know what it at the root of all this glumness. I want a second car, but part of me is relieved that the problems with the boat have happened. Part of me is desperately sad that they’ve happened. it’s more, is it worth it to fix the problems or should we just pass it on to who wants to fix it. Jon’s mom thinks that with all the little problems that we’ve had, maybe we’re not suppose to have the car. She may be right. I guess we’ll cut our loss. The semester will start and hopefully I’ll find something to focus my energy on. I should focus more on the girls, but it’s nice to not always be a mom. We’ll secure our finances and pay off the house debt so we can buy a minivan next year, either when one of the mortgages is paid off, or for when we have a third child. Which brings up my anxiety about having a third child.
I don’t know if I’m ready. I fell unhappy often enough as a mother that I worry about having a third and bringing it into my negative environment. I feel overwhelmed with two on days. Am I ready for a third? Part of it is also space. Where would we put a third child? Mostly it’s me. I’m so keenly aware of my shortcomings has a mother that I just don’t know if I could mentally handle having a third. I want to be happy with the two I have before I have another. I know that I have a lot of work to do. I do find that I am having more patience with Lilah, but I still need to work on it. I am enjoying my time with them, but I feel at a lost of what to do with them, as in to keep them occupied and happy, hence why I wanted a second car so I could go to libraries and other places of interest with them.
We’re also trying to get Lilah to stop whining. She often whines a question and then we tell her to ask nicely and she says nicely please….and whatever she wanted. She also repeatedly asks things even after we’ve said no or given her an answer. Our new line of defense to these problems will be to ignore her until she politely asks, and to ignore her after we’ve given her an answer. I think the asking politely without whining will take practice and it may take a few times of explaining to have her understand that we’re not ignoring her but trying to get her to ask politely the first time rather then whining the first time.
I also need to get the spiritual part of my life in line. I’m horrible a reading my scriptures, but I do try to pray everyday. I need to find myself relying on the Lord more and bringing the teachings of Christ more into my home. I went to a fireside last night for our ward missionaries. It was to encourage and help us to have faith to share the gospel with others. I found myself thinking about how I need to get the gospel more into my everyday life so I can have faith to share it.

It’s almost ten and I haven’t feed Eden her breakfast yet, she has nursed though. I suppose i should go and take care of my two darling girls.

3 Responses to “one car, two car, red car, blue car”

  1. Shauntae Says:

    Lacey, I almost felt like I was reading my own journal! I think every mom feels what you do to a certain degree.. and if they don’t, they must be oblivious! This is the struggle of parenthood, never feeling adequate. Coming from a fellow mom, let me tell you what has worked for me:
    1. Establish a set datenight with your hubby, at least every other weekend. We do a babysitting trade for our datenight so that none of us has to pay. We get 2 dates,and then we tend the kids 1 time, and then 2 dates, and so forth. This time is for you to be a woman, not a mom…rediscover the cheap fun you had dating, it doesn’t have to cost anything. Since the kids are at someone else’s house, we often rent a movie and just relax in our quiet house.
    2. Also establish a monthly girls night with your sisters and friends. Mine is the 1st Thursday of the month. This way everyone knows to block out that night, and the hubby’s know that they’ll be on baby duty. We have a strict no kids policy, and it is so worth it. Once again an opportunity to just be Lacey, not mommy.
    3. Occasionally drive Jon to work. We only have one car also. I just pick out the activities we most want to do, and drive him to work on those days. The hassle is worth it when you are disspelling cabin fever.
    4. You probably already do this, but get yourself dressed and ready for the day Before you get the girls ready. They don’t care if they are still in pjs at 10 am, and anyone who judges you for this must not have 2 or more kids. I found myself happier when I knew I looked presentable, even if we weren’t going anywhere.
    5. I started a weekly playgroup in my ward. We did it at parks, or at the ward building, or at each other’s houses. Don’t worry if you don’t know each other that well, it’s just an opportunity to get out and get some socialization for you and the girls.
    6. Definately go tho the temple often. At one time I was going with a gal friend to the 6:30 am session once a week. It was weird at first to go without Nick, but I found that this time was a special just-for-me time. Like you said, neglecting your spirituality will definately cause negativity, depression, and feelings of inadequacy to increase. I also did scripture study during their naptime back when they took naps. Once again, the sacrifice was worth it.
    7. Send Jon on Daddy-daughter dates with one or both of the girls. This gives him time to bond, and gives you time to accomplish something (or nothing) without interruptions.
    I know it sounds like a lot, but once you start incorporating someof these ideas, it will make a difference. I don’t do all of them all the time, so don’t feel overwhelmed. 🙂
    My foremost advice is this: Give yourself a break! You are a good mom, and you are also human. Mistakes and lazy days will happen, but your kids know that they are loved. You are sacrificing to be home with them, what greater gift can one human give to another than time? Good luck! -Shauntae
    Ps- about the 3rd kid: there’s never enough room, enough time, or enough energy for three…but there will always be enough love. You can do it! There’s no time like now! (trust me, you’ll look back and be glad you had them close together)

  2. andrea Says:

    Shauntae has excellent advice. I was just going to mention that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. On the occasion when you take Jon to work remind your self that the few dollars extra in gas money is still cheaper than paying for a second vehicle. Get some advice from mom, or other moms, about things they do/did with their young children. You don’t need to create a stimulating learning environment all day long (but super nanny does say you should create a routine).

    Oh, and with Lilah, it’s nice to hear that she is more normal than she lets on. Really, no one can be cute, quiet, and polite all the time. The whining is part of being a kid, and your having to try and correct the behavior is part of being a parent. (I think everyone has seen examples of whining kids who aren’t corrected, yikes!)

    I love you, you’re doing great! Personally, the thought of having one child scares me (no, I am not pregnant).

  3. Irish Dancer Says:

    No need to be so hard on yourself. You’re young, married, have two young (well behaved) girls, and you’re about to finish your degree. That seems like four full time jobs, which equals 160 hours a week, which leaves you just 8 to sleep. (24*7=168)

    Trusting Christ more is something everyone needs to do continually. No one is perfect, thus the reason we need Christ in the first place. See Rom 6:23, Rom 5:8, Rom 10:9-10. (Remember my beliefs are not LDS, so I hope you aren’t offended).

    As for the moods you have, they are partly caused by hormones/cycles. I get this way too, moody, feel useless, hopeless, incompetant, etc. The rest is probably satan trying to stop the good you are doing. If he can convince you of all those things above, then you’ll quit. Another verse that is important, though I don’t quite remember where it is right now (I’ll find it tonight and let you know) is “Resist the devil and he must flee, draw near to God and he will draw near to you.”

    Hang in there. I vote you take Jon to work a couple times a week so you can get out and relieve the cabin fever.

    Some interesting ideas, especially for Lilah, would be taking a trip up to the mountains. I’m sure you’d rather go with Jon, but maybe it would help you break the cabin fever if you all drove up there? It’s still really hot outside, but a trip to the Zoo? There’s a discovery trail at Red Rock for children. I don’t remember the exact trail name, but they have ranger tours where the ranger points out different things to see along the trail, and there’s a waterfall at the end. It’s an easy course, but you will want someone along that can help you with the girls. Maybe another person who wants to be a mom, but isn’t yet? Of course, there are all the children’s museums, which are still pretty cheap for young children.

    Here are some websites to check out. Remember, I don’t have kids, yet, but they might have some good ideas.