I’m already lost.

I still have one more final to prepare for. (The Beatles one went well, I’m sure I aced it. The CRJ stats went terrible. I have a solid 88% for my final grade. Jon mentioned how for the previous two fall semester, aka.FA 05, FA 04. I also got three A’s and a B, I’m just destined to never get straight A’s.) Back to the subject. I have my Sex offenders final to prepare for and then I will be done.  I don’t feel to much pressure for this final so in some ways I already feel done in which I already feel lost. What do I do with this extra time? I could clean and  organize my house, but when the girls are up that can be hard if I have any major projects to do. I could get up early and go to bed sooner, so I could do things before the girls get up. I love staying up and going to bed late, but when I stay up late I’m not accomplishing anything except adding weight to by butt. I could spend every waking moment with my daughters, but really I don’t want to spoil them with an expectation that mommy will entertain them all the time. I guess I have these goals and I feel at a little lost of how to do them. I want to start waking up at 7 to begin my day. (I really should write this down because Jon might hold me to this.) The problem with waking up at 7 is Jon is usually in the middle of his shower routine. The problem being we still only have one shower because the other is under construction, and that would be one reason to wake up, so I could take my shower at the beggining of the day while the girls are asleep, rather they the middle of the day  in hopes that they both take their naps at the same time. I could wake up at 6:30am but that is too early for me. I still have negative feelings from high school on getting up early. I’m just not a morning person. One thing I’m planning for my time is a cleaning schedule again. So I do small things each day besides the daily chores and once a week I have a larger cleaning chore. I feel comfortable in my organized chaos. I have a worry of getting it all organized and clean and then the expectation is now this higher sense of cleanliness. I also fear that I might not succeed and I will always be slightly disorganized with plenty of dust balls around the house. Anyways. Now I have more free time and I don’t know what to do with it. I know some of you are saying I wish I had more free time. Really it’s that I used school to block out things I didn’t want to do. Now I don’t have that excuse anymore and I must face my shortcomings and overcome them. We’re waiting to have our next child at the moment so I won’t even have pregnancy as an excuse any time soon. I suppose one reason I don’t like being out of school is because I feel a little more exposed and I have fewer excuses. What if I am a terrible housekeeper and an terrible mother? Everyone will now know. I grew up in a very disorganized house. I was often embarrassed to bring friends over. I don’t want my children to feel that way when they’re older and can feel embarrassment. I don’t want to be embarrassed of my house.  I also don’t want embarrassment to be my motivator. I hope once I have things more organized that I can feel proud of my domain and that pride work will be my motivator.  Like I’ve said before my house is usually presentable. I just have areas where there are piles of papers or books. We also have boxes of things we haven’t found a place for. Our bedroom  being the worst place, there just isn’t enough space for our clothes. I’m at a lost at where to start. Maybe after the holidays I’ll begin. 🙂
Sigh. I’m  so strange.

One Response to “I’m already lost.”

  1. ambah Says:

    I don’t think you’re strange at all. I get it. I really do. Trust me, you’ll find other reasons not to have a spotless house soon enough.