Earlier this week I was lying in bed next to Jon and he had fallen asleep before me, which often happens, I was so happy to lie there next to him with my head on his shoulder and listen to him breathe and feel his chest rise and fall beneath my hand. Luckily he doesn’t snore, I’d love him if he did, but it just made me happy to be married and be able to share my life with him. I’m grateful to have him and thankful that he puts up with my crazy emotions.

Since I married young I’m going through my life defining moments with him. I don’t mind because he gives me support, but I hope he doesn’t mind my indecisiveness and all the crying I’m doing lately. (Though today it was while we were IMing, so he didn’t see me cry.)
My English teacher gave me a very harsh evaluation on a posting I did, it was the one I did late and on the day after my breakdown. I was rereading it and I realize how bad it was, but she said that it didn’t qualify for being written in “Standard American English”. That was one of her comments and then it went onto just generalizing the different mistakes I made in verb tense and what not. (I’m not an English major for a reason.) I just took it very personally, like I do whenever some critiques my writing harshly. (One of the reason’s I don’t let Jon critique my writing, I take it too personally and shut down and don’t take his suggestions.) I know I’m not the best writer, or proofreader (why you’ll find mistakes in all my writing), but to say I was not using Standard American English, come on. I wanted to drop her class and my history class. (mostly because I have a paper due Friday and hadn’t worked on it yet), Jon said I could use the moment to fail or to rise and better my writing. To do better was my first instinct, but all the work and the fear of failure lurks in my mind. I worry about him realizing that I am truly unintelligent and not capable of passing this class. I have so many worries and most are superficial, or along the lines of people discovering how unintelligent I really am. It sounds like I’m really down on myself, and I can be, but I think I’m just so use to everyone having high expectations of me. Whether it was in church or at school or at work, and sometimes I just felt (feel) like an impostor. It’s like if it doesn’t come naturally and I have to work at it, then I feel it’s not really me, so I’m truly dumb or something. I know that sounds idiotic, but in a way when I was growing up it was like every one around me was naturally smart, and so I must not be because it doesn’t always come as easy. I’m also afraid of failure. If I really apply myself and still fail, then it makes me even dumber. Jon always says he sees me more clearly than I see myself. I’m grateful for his support and I know I can at least pass this English class. I just need to take my time and proof read better. Hopefully my next writing passes for “Standard American English”, especially since it’s a test this Friday.

One Response to “Breathing”

  1. Amber Says:

    It’s like if it doesn’t come naturally and I have to work at it, then I feel it’s not really me, so I’m truly dumb or something

    I have had that feeling. I feel like if I can’t do it well to begin with then why try? I think we all feel that way sometimes. I’m sorry you’re having a hard/stressful time lately. Being a mom, wife and student is hard!