Life is crazy. I have been so impatient. My poor husband seems to do most things right but when he does something I don’t like I get mad, and stay mad for longer than I should. Lilah has a mother that gets way to angry at the normal two year old occurrences. Mostly the peeing on the floor occurrences, and when she seems to be crying for what I think are ridiculous reasons. I get so upset at her at times that I just want to throw things. Part of me wants her to fear me, so then she would just stop crying when I ask her and hopefully not make peeing on the floor a daily ritual. I just feel evil. I think I’ve been letting my anger get the best of me. I just haven’t tried to control it or let it go as I should. I think I’ve been to focused on me and my needs though. I’m not being Christlike and I want Jon to let me have everything I want, and to know all my needs. I want Lilah to be the perfect two year old, and never get on my nerves. When I first started this downward spiral I thought it was interesting that she didn’t understand that I was upset. She had peed on the floor, and I was so mad at her. All she kept saying was that we don’t pee on floor we pee in toilets. It drives me nuts. Whenever she pees on the floor or in her panties we try to explain what she did and all she answers is “no we don’t pee on floors” or panties. It just frustrates me. I know I’ve been through this before. I hope it’s just all the stress in my life and once school gets out it’ll get better. But I also know that I need to change my attitude. I felt better this afternoon, but I still feel irritable.

Last night was hard. Lilah was congested and couldn’t sleep. She was literally waking up every hour (at least), she would sit up and start crying because she couldn’t breath and was tired. At about 4 I couldn’t take it. I just kept telling her to stop it and laid her on the pillow. Jon came in and took her to the living room. Not because I was going to do anything, but to give me a break. I was just so tired, and so sick of her whining. He looked up a natural remedy on-line about a nasal saline to help, and I went to the store to get some decongestant. I needed to cool off and get away, plus I was still somewhat irritable from being upset at Jon earlier that night. She was better when I returned. We gave her the saline and they stayed up watching PBS. She feel asleep and I brought her in later, I think 5:45. When she’s sick I’m usually more patient, but today I was short tempered. Lilah woke up at her normal 8:00, and I had her take two naps today. She seems okay so far this night, so hopefully it will be a quiet night. I feel my throat getting swollen though, so I fear that I’m getting sick also. Life just stinks.

Hopefully if I focus on the good things and not myself, I can overcome this darkness. I just feel like a dark cloud has settled over me and I want everyone else to be miserable. I may be somewhat depressed, or maybe I just hormonal or chemical imbalances going on. I do feel like some light might be coming around though.

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