Is It Naptime Yet

Last night at a small Relief Society function the idea that Family Home Evening should only be on Monday nights and the support of any activities that occur on Monday night are in essence bad was shortly discussed. The feeling I came away with from the discussion was if you don’t hold family home evening on Monday nights and you support functions that are on that night your bad. Like you can’t hold family home evening on any other night of the week?
The Church has delegated Monday night Family Home Evening night (FHE), so as a consensus you don’t bother other church leaders on this night. Meetings can be held on any other night of the week and often you can find that a meeting or activity is being held on other nights of the week. As a church leader you have numerous meeting to attend and as a member you have numerous activities to attend, all of which will have certain church leaders there. So Monday is the one day sanctioned by the Church for FHE because you may have to do other things all the other days of the week.  I think it’s an extreme to say that you can never do any other activity on Monday.  Some extreme members might even say doing other things on Monday night would be similar to breaking the Sabbath like having a sports function on Sunday or a party.
The problem presented was a change in a school practice that is regularly held on Tuesday night to Monday night.  The mother was upset that there were 7 LDS members our of 9 on this board and 6 out of the 7 LDS member voted it was OK to hold the practice on Mondays, which they were changing so they could get more help from other experts in this field and better the children in the activity. (I know it’s vague, but I’m wanting to keep it vague.) The idea was how could these good upstanding LDS parents allow an activity to take place on FHE night, and what are they not doing that they’re OK with putting the practise first rather than the family. It was also mentioned that the instructor himself was LDS, so why would he want to change it in the first place? I was being timid and not wanting to start a debate, but really do we have to do FHE on Monday? Can’t we say okay we have no school or other activities on Thursday night, this is the night we’ll do FHE and  if something comes up that’s important we’ll skip it or discuss changing it for that week or all go as a family for the activity. I once had an institute leader give the example  of his daughter needing to put up posters for school on a Monday night and they all went as a family to help since it was FHE.
I find it funny that people judge others by the fact that they’re okay with having something on Monday so they must not do FHE. This change was for the better of the kids. I went to school on Monday nights for some of my college classes and we held FHE on Wednesday,  was I bad for wanting to better myself at something just because I did it on a Monday night?
I find it to be an extreme thought that you can only do something on one certain night a week because that’s when it’s been instructed and supported by the Church.  I think that somewhat overshadows the fact that we need to be gathering as a family at least one night a week, the night doesn’t really matter.
Do we have to sacrifice bettering ourselves for coming closer as a family? In which FHE might not really work, even though every leader will support it, but if you have a wayward teenager FHE may do nothing to help the family come closer. Might our children in the end become negative and hold a grudge if they’re not allowed to pursue their dream because it was held on a Monday night? (Yes, it’s FHE so it should be the family night and the argument of being able to do things on Sunday for fear of a grudge might be substituted, but what I’m talking about is a night that you have with your family that does not deal with Sabbath day worship but as bonding as a family and having spiritual lessons)
What if we decide to have FHE instead of having them go to weekly church functions. Are we  bad parents then?

We don’t hold FHE regularly. I’m in charge of it now and since we’re together almost every night and I’m with the girls all day long I find it a daunting task and I’m never quite sure what to do to interest the girls. We have been pretty regular in the past, but it’s hard. We try to delegate a night that is FHE and we usually end up watching a movie and having something special as a treat. With  having the Gospel Art Kit I’ll pull out pictures and try to tell a gospel story sometimes. We just haven’t done this lately. So maybe this comes from my guilt of neglecting FHE, but really I think sometimes we miss the mark if we’re focused to much on the little things rather than the big picture.
My kids are young and not involved yet in things for the church like activity days (for the 8- 11 year old girls) or mutual (once you’re in Young woman’s- 12-18), and they don’t have any outside hobbies just yet, besides dance, but that’s once a week when it’s occurring, so maybe as I get older our week might fill up and we may have things every night, and then the weekends are hard because of date night and our girls wanting to go out with friends. Maybe it could then be an afternoon, say Saturday afternoon you spend time with family, it is after all only two hours or so one night a week.
I guess I’m trying to balance the busy world with family life, but in the end I don’t want my kids to be in five different activities or sports and I hope that my callings in church don’t require me to be out 3-5 nights a week every week because of meetings and serving others. I know the goal of FHE is to have time together as a family to look at gospel teachings, but does God care if I hold it a different night than Monday? I personally don’t think so.
I think I might hold FHE on Tuesday’s just for fun, so whatever you do don’t call on Tuesday nights. 😉

Today’s been pretty normal.
Eden woke up very early. Jon got her for me. later when Jon was up I tried to see of she would sleep a little in bed with me and of course all she did was play roughly with my hair. Jon at one point took her back to the living room. She was having a bad cough, which she caught from Lilah, and we decided she should stay home with him. We discussed shortly having Lilah stay home since she’s still coughing but we decided she probably was not contagious and I decided since it was my first mothers day with her in primary she must go because I wanted to see her sing the traditional mother’s day song by the Primary kids. (The song changes each year between a few but they always sing in sacrament, this year was “Mother I Love You”. I think it’s in the church handbook. J/K)
Anyways since it would be just me and Lilah needing to go to church I turned my alarm back to 7:30 and tried to sleep in a little more. It turns out Jon fell asleep on the couch and I turned my alarm off so at 8:06 I started getting ready for our 9:00 church. Some how I got ready while Jon took care of the girls. We actually got there at 9:07.
When they announced for the Primary kids to go up Lilah timidly got up and wandered slightly to the front. We were on the very last row. Emily Bartholomew got her and another Sunbeam and brought them up to the stand. Lilah stood in the front and her head was the only thing over the hand rail. She had her hands on it and she rested her head on her hands. She was so cute and I could tell she was nervous. She sang some words but mostly watched the congregation. I teared up a little as I watched my baby sing.
I still can’t believe she’s so big.

Last night on PBS the first part of “The Mormon’s” aired. I enjoyed what they did. It was neutral and not for or against the church, mostly just the facts. I learned a couple of things. One thing I just recently learned. I actually first heard about it from a south Park episode, which I was only watching because it was about Mormon’s, in which Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon by placing a seer stone inside a hat and looking into the hat. I knew about the seer stone, I didn’t know so much about the hat.
The second thing that came as news to me dealt with the Mountain Meadows Massacre. I had always envisioned and heard about it as upset LDS men who in rage one night went and killed a group or pioneers. I had no idea that it really happened in two sessions and that it was under false security for the travelers. It was really a planned killing of the survivors of the previous attack. That saddens me.

I do look forward to the second night. I find my faith changing. Partially because of Jon, but I do find that I like my faith, though I don’t always agree it.

I stumbled upon a friends, sister’s blog, who had been disgusted by this program on ABC. ( I won’t link to her blog out of respect, I already put a comment, which I’ll post later.) I found it interesting because I had the exact opposite reaction as this woman. I was refreshed to see a more normal polygamous sect.

In short there’s a community not far from Colorado City AZ which has modern facilities and houses, and is the home to a polygamous Mormon sect. Spouses are chosen by women saying whom they want to marry or feel they are inspired to marry and then family and ultimately the elders, or priesthood leaders of their church, decide if it is right. If it’s decided then the guy finds out he’s to have a wife. They practice a law that resembles the Law of Consecration which the Church practiced early on. For them this is a community of a lot of tradesmen and so they build homes for one another free of charge on the weekends. They are exposed to the world, but not in the world. Their is no dating or premarital sex, and a polygamous marriage is required to enter the highest kingdom, or Celestial Kingdom

The woman’s blog was disgusted by it. She, or commenter’s to her post, were upset that they mentioned the Church and Joseph Smith. But in reality they are a break off of the Church, and they believe the words of Joseph Smith literally, that a man must have at least two wives to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Where as we just believe you must be sealed by the holy priesthood to one man or one woman, depending on your sex, to enter the highest degree of glory.
In reality I felt they disclosed well that this sect was not apart if the main LDS church and that the LDS church had not participated in polygamous marriage for over a hundred years. Really you can’t keep repeating that the whole show. Once is enough. They showed The Book of Mormon, because this sect uses and believes The Book of Mormon. Someone was upset about that. Well to get upset at a polygamous Mormon sect for using The Book of Mormon is like the Christians getting upset at the LDS church for using the Bible. It’s apart of their beliefs and does not solely belong to the mainstream LDS church, though we have the publishing rights. It’s apart of their church’s heritage, just as it is ours. Just as we are still Christians for believing in Christ they are still Mormon’s for believing in the Book of Mormon. Just different Mormons and not the official Mormons.

I guess as you will read form the copy and pasted comment, that I thought this sect showed a normal and refreshing polygamous sect. They are peculiar for practicing yes, but they aren’t stuck in the 1800’s because of it, like Colorado City.
I saw them as a look into how the Church might practice polygamy in the present days, but hopefully with a little more dating and allowance of both spouses to chose. (Though I don’t know how I’d like it if my husband went on dates with other women….Luckily I don’t have to worry 😉 )
I thought it was good. She didn’t.

Here was my comment:

First I want to say they did disclaim that this sect is separate from the mainstream LDS religion.
Second I thought they resembled somewhat how polygamy would be if we still practiced it within the Church.
Third, they’re a break off sect of the LDS religion, of course they use The Book of Mormon. That was a major part of our religion in the early years.
Fourth I think this polygamous sect shows a hero worship of Joseph Smith, something that only until recently was widely practiced in our church. My BIL just yesterday told me how he heard more about Joseph Smith growing up than Christ; his interpretation of course.
Polygamy is an eternal commandment….It will be practiced again….I learned that in Institute. So will sacrifice and the Law of Consecration.
I was refreshed by a seeing a more normal break off sect. They were in the world but not of the world. They almost practiced the Law of Consecration in the way they helped one another. I did not agree with how they chose spouses, but still, they’re not inspired.
Really to be so critical of a polygamous sect only shows shame for our own religion’s past.
If polygamy weren’t illegal would the Church still be practicing?…I dare to say yes.
If it were to become legal might the Church practice it again?…Possibly not because of the stigma, but stigma is no reason to not practice something if God wants it.

I added the italics this time around. To be ashamed of a past because it is presently debated is to be a ashamed of the Church. To be disgusted by it shows little reverence for an eternal commandment. I feel sorrow for those sects who have broken away and will not be able to participate in the eternal glory I hope to have, or be worthy of receiving some day. Though I don’t know if I’m on any better grounds than they. I say we are all imperfect. We all like certain doctrines better than others. Get over it.

Lilah gave a talk on Sunday. It was funny because they had the Sunbeam class do the talk, scripture and closing prayer. Out of the three kids, Lilah was the loudest! Jon thinks she had the advantage because she couldn’t see everyone over the little pulpit and the others could and then be nervous.

I procrastinated writing the talk. Well really I forgot and then I only had time on Saturday night between a baby shower and a movie night with the relief society. I didn’t have time to practice with her until Sunday morning. She didn’t do too well so I was a little worried and frustrated. She liked to start talking while I was telling her what to say, so it got all jumbled. I took her out from her class to practice, since they do the talk at the end of the block, and she did well listening to what I said and then repeating. This is the topic and talk I had planned for her to give, but I cut out parts and she only gave the regular print. It was funny because I was shaking when it was all done.

I have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. He will help me keep the commandments.

I have faith in Jesus. I have faith because I can not see Jesus but I can feel his love for me though the Holy Ghost and through the love of my family. Heavenly Father gives us commandments. Commandments are rules for us to follow while on earth. I know that I should keep God’s commandments but sometimes I do not follow the commandments. I know that if I trust in Jesus and have faith that he will help me keep God’s commandments. Heavenly Father sent me to parents that would teach me about his commandments and help me to keep them. I have faith that I can Keeps God’s commandments and feel his love when I do what is right

Before all this happened I was very happily married and I found much sanctuary in my husband.
It seems that I’ve been so angry lately that I remember to love him because I should love him, but I often forgot why I loved him in some ways. Shortly before I found out about his new beliefs we attended the Dixie Chicks concert. I loved sitting there holding Jon’s hand and singing. On there newest CD, Taking the Long Way, they have a song titled Easy Silence. This song made and makes me think of Jon. Most of the song it about their own trials and what they’ve been through, so I don’t relate to that part but I relate to the chorus:

Easy silence that you make for me
It’s okay when there’s nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me

When they sang this song the night of the concert I believe I sang into Jon’s ear. It’s how he made me feel and makes me feel. Relaxed and accepted. He was the one person I totally exposed myself to without the worries of judgment. Well I worried, but in some ways I did not.
With all the anger I’ve had lately I’d forgotten about the comfort I had with him and the love I felt.
Saturday night PBS’s Austin City Limits had the Dixie Chicks performing. We came upon it and decided to stay up late to watch. The song Easy Silence came on and in a way I felt a lot of the love that I had been withholding from Jon come out. Part of the wall I had built was taken down.

I’m trying to love Jon throughout this ordeal. Really I haven’t stopped. It’s just at certain moments I feel that I have very little love for him, and a whole lot of anger, which is natural. The only way I can make it through this is to love my husband, my children, myself but most importantly my God.

I just want to thank everyone for their love and support. This is a cheesy way to do it, but I’m grateful to have so many friends and family who love me.
I have known for a while about Jon. Most of the sadness is from having to tell others. I hate worrying others. I am doing okay.
I just feel shaken from a dream to a harsh reality of questions and choices. I am finding my strength from others around me.
I was able to go to the Temple Wednesday, so that was enjoyable. It was a session in which some from our Relief Society attended together so I was able to sit and talk with my Relief Society President, whom I have grown to love in this year in the ward, she helped to give me comfort.

Wednesday was just hectic. After having a relaxing morning at the temple and lunch I came home to the craziness of telling and bringing this change into the open. It was just so much.

I want to say and make it clear. Jon loves me. He is supporting me in my decision to stay active in the church. He is not trying to convert me to his beliefs. He is planning on sharing these ideas with our children. After all it is who he is now and I sympathize with him not wanting to hide who he is. I don’t like it, but I just hope that I am able to provide a sure foundation for my children with a belief in God and his love for them.

It’s interesting because I’ve heard a lot from his older sister Annie. Annie is one of Jon’s sisters and is eight years older than he. She and her family are not active in the church and we haven’t really had to many religious discussions. One reason for that is we only see each other at family gatherings, in which the parents are there. We usually don’t discuss religion, but even if it comes up she is respectful to our parents and tries not to disrespect their love for the church. I find it refreshing that we’re able to talk more about religion. In some ways I think I have a lot in common with her, and now I believe her and Jon have more in common.

I am finding my footing. I am finding my strength. I hope I can endure and find the truth for myself.
My heart aches when I have had thoughts that the church is not true. I see that as a sign that it is true.

I may just be using this as a coping mechanism, but I know there are many religions out there. I think many have truths to them. A leader in my life says it’s so Satan can lead them away from the true church. I think it is so people can find some solace in God in a way that helps them, or perhaps no God. At one point I could have seen his point. Now I see that even if someone is not a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day saints, and they wish not to be, then hopefully they are still living a good life. I think and know Jon will continue to live a good life. This new decision is what helps him make good choices. That’s fine.
The church at times can be restrictive and people can be driven by guilt and fear. I know I have had those times in my life. As I talked to one friend she mentioned how the church is really seen differently through each members eyes.
People adapt any religion to what they see is right for them. What brings me comfort may not bring you comfort. What motivates someone not to sin could crush the spirit of another.
I think I have found more love for those outside of my beliefs. I have more sympathy for those who do not believe as I do.
I hope Heavenly Father is merciful to all.

So Yesterday was the day I exposed myself to the world. Even though it was his choice I still worry about judgment in the years to come from those who do not understand or refuse to try. To be able to talk openly about it is a relief, but as we are exposed it can bring deeper hurt and opportunities for new judgment. Most people I know send love and support. I am grateful for that. In a way I worry about my own judgment and self doubt, not others. I hope to come out of this stronger. I hope to help my children choose a good path. I worry that I will be lost and then my own will also. I wish away my situation but it still lingers and longs to be dealt with. I know my husband says he loves me but I’ve never felt more alone as I do now.

I feel as though my inadequacies are being measured.
I feel as though I have to begin anew.
What I thought has been taken from me.
What I knew has been altered till unrecognizable.
I am naked before myself, yet all I see is nothingness.

Jon wrote his family another e-mail. I said his first e-mail was too vague and that he needed to expand since the blog does little to do that as of now Here’s his second e-mail.

I have realized (it has been pointed out to me, anyway) how cruel it
is to withhold the whole story. I guess the blog is more aimed at
telling the story well for my posterity than being informative to
those who have no idea what I’m talking about. So here’s the story in
a nutshell:

As Lilah and Eden grew and started to ask questions (mostly Lilah) I
knew that I would be teaching them to believe in Mormonism. This
reawakened old doubts that I had been hiding from for years. I decided
that I had to know for myself. I couldn’t lie to them and say that I
was sure when I wasn’t. So I studied and prayed like we’ve been taught
to do. My studies took me outside of the comfortable mainstream of
Mormonism to faithful LDS authors who reported Mormon history as it
was, not as we might wish it to be. My doubts were being confirmed
rather than quieted. In the midst of this, I began to hear about some
recent atheist books published partially in reaction to the religious
fundamentalism which motivated the 9/11 attacks. As I heard the
authors’ arguments, I experienced a radical awakening where I suddenly
realized that everything that I had believed about Mormonism was the
product of self-deceit. This realization, while at times frightening,
brought me unexpected peace and joy.

If I must label myself now, I would say that I am ultimately agnostic,
because I believe that no one (including myself) can have true
certainty about anything. However, the evidence – or lack thereof –
forces me to believe that there is no supreme being, lovingly
intervening in our lives.

This will terrify some, I think. I would have been very worried if I
heard this about someone in our family just a couple of years ago. We
have come to rely on God to protect us against many frightening
things. What I didn’t realize before is that it is possible to live a
perfectly happy, moral life without believing in God. I am happy,
contrary to what I would have expected. I want to be moral (in the
broad sense, not just sexually) because of my empathy for others and
because it is the path to happiness.

If Mormonism is true, then I was doing it very, very wrong. It was the
source of unnecessary anxiety in my life as I tried to be obedient. I
constantly worried about reaching the Celestial Kingdom.
Paradoxically, the less I worried about being obedient, the happier I
was. The happier I was, the more I wanted to be good and help other
people. The people who are the happiest in Mormonism must either have
become supremely self-disciplined or have come to terms with their own
mediocrity. I never managed to do either.

My conscience began to jab me in the ribs every time I participated in
the Church in a way that falsely implied that I believed. But I didn’t
want to leave until I had given it my best shot to get back on the
bandwagon. So I kept this change of heart secret from April of last
year in the hopes that I would return to sanity and that I wouldn’t
need to hurt my family. As I studied and prayed, the separation
between me and God only deepened. The Scriptures where full of ideas
that I found unbelievable or even repugnant. I felt like my prayers
were going no further than the inside of my own skull – like they
always had, now that I thought about it.

So late last year I told Lacey. Things still didn’t change. So last
week, I decided that enough was enough. I sent in a letter of
resignation from my church callings last week. I always hated when
family members weren’t active in the Church for reasons that I
couldn’t really figure out. Instead of asking them what their reasons
were (which I thought might be impolite because I assumed that they
were ashamed of whatever reasons they may have), I played a guessing
game.

I didn’t want that to happen in my case. I plan to say it loud and
proud, as they say. I don’t want that silence between me and any of my
family any more. So I’m leaving the Church, those are my reasons, and
no, I’m not ashamed.

What everyone is probably more worried about is how Lacey and I are
doing. I am fairly confident that most of you are more worried about
Lacey than about me. No… it’s okay: I understand. 🙂

I realize that this is completely unfair to Lacey. I’ve changed the
ground rules that we agreed to when we were married. I’m doing my best
to make as few changes to our lives as possible (e.g. I help with the
children in Sacrament Meeting and support her in paying a full tithe).
I am fully supportive of the choices that she makes. I’m not trying to
persuade her to follow me to the dark side. If she catches me on a
good day, I don’t think there’s anything that she could do to make me
stop loving her. We’re talking. We’re trying to find ways to adjust so
that we can preserve the wonderful marriage that we have.

I am hopeful for the future.

With Love,

Jonathan

Parts of the letter were news to me. I did not know that he has felt this way since April and I did not know the whole story about his reasons for looking because of teaching the girls.

In some ways I have tried to be quiet and not hear or question him about his beliefs.One reason for that is when I do he seems to already have an answer and I seem baffled. Jon says that he’s already been over these questions in his mind and that’s why he has an answer. (I told him I hate how he has an answer for everything I bring up lately.)

I’m also trying to stay somewhat ignorant to the details of his beliefs until I am stronger in my own convictions. He understands this. I feel as though my doubts are real through his doubts, but I want to come to a much different conclusion than he has.

I suppose I have felt lukewarm in the church. I think I know it’s true but I can’t pinpoint any time in my life where I have felt with conviction that I knew. I suppose this might be the trial that does it even if it takes time. I am trying to love him despite all this. At times I do not, but overall I do. It’s just hard to see and realize the vast difference in our beliefs. It hurts to see them. It hurts to think of my children having such different veiwpoints taught to them.
In some ways I have a lot to post on this subject in others I do not. Some nights we stay up late arguing, well not arguing as much as me being upset and crying at him. Other nights we’re able to discuss.
I’m saddened by so many things now that I don’t have words to describe. I have so many questions to ask and situations to figure out that I can’t see road before me.
I hope only to have the love and support of family and friends.

So on this change I sent out a personal e-mail to my family. I thought of sending one out to my friends but then I decided, if you don’t check my blog and I don’t see you often enough to tell you this change in person then when/if you find out will be the appropriate time, rather then giving this info out to everyone I keep loosely in touch with over e-mail. If you check my blog regularly, then you care enough about my life, or are noisy enough about my life to find out this information. I know there are plenty of people who care who do not check regularly, but for now all I’m able to deal with are those who do.
This will seems a little coarse of an intro to what I’m about to post, but I think I’m at that point in my day where I want to be coarse and not sappy.

The following is an e-mail I sent to my immediate family members today.
Dear Family,

Jon has recently made, though it has been a long process, a personal change. The following is a copy of a e-mail he sent to his family members. I on the other hand I will bluntly state that he no longer is participating or believes in the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I still love him deeply and he is still very much the same person he was before. It’s not like he’s flipped some switch and is completely different. He still loves me and the girls and we are staying together to figure this out.
The letter includes a link to his blog where he will try to help those around him understand and see how he came to this decision. He is not trying to persuade anyone to believe as he does. He just wants others to understand him a little more so that confusion, heartache or anger may be lessened by reading. He is not bitter towards the church and he is not leaving because of some sin. His beliefs have just been altered so much that he cannot pretend to believe. He still supports me with raising our girls in the church. He is not trying to persuade me to believe has he does.
Please bookmark the below link because it will be updated and a continuing development for a period of time, after a while it will be more of his own outlet on his new beliefs, but for now it will slowly tell his story of change.
For those who are finding out this information for the first time, I am sorry I did not tell you in person or over the phone. It’s just been chaotic and I feel a little drained from it all. The thought of telling one more person hurts me physically and just seems to open the wounds I have. Over all I am doing OK, but I am saddened by the loss of my eternal companion.

Love,
Lacey

Greetings All,

I am beginning to blog about some recent personal changes. I feel that
blogging is the most appropriate way to inform you of these changes. I
communicate much more clearly when I have the chance to search out
words to more accurately reflect my thoughts. Though this method is not
as personal a phone call, I think it will help us to end up with a
better understanding of each other when all is said and done.

I ask that you do not discuss this with Mom and Dad until I have a
chance to do it myself. I’m trying to decide how to tell them in a way
that will convey my deep love and respect for them and minimize the
heartache that will surely follow. Any suggestions you may have would
be most appreciated. I regret that they will have to adjust to these
changes at this time in their lives.

http://www.blakeclan.org/jon/greenoasis/

With my love,

Jonathan

I have had this knowledge since November 29, 2006.

I’ll elaborate more later this week. For now I am drained.