Is It Naptime Yet

Jon told his parents Saturday that he is no longer participates in church and doesn’t have a testimony. He didn’t go as far has stating he doesn’t believe in Satan or God, but at least they know the basics and won’t be getting the information from some other source.
His mom has taken it really hard. We expected that. He is her little boy and the one she’s depended on for along time. She called me this afternoon and I can tell that she one, wants me to stay with Jon in hopes that I can help him come back and two in thought that if I do leave him he would then give up altogether. I don’t know if he mentioned his analogy of how when converts sometimes become members their families get upset and disown them. She related how she understands how sad it can be to have a deep faith in a religion and then to have your child say they don’t believe is heartbreaking. She’s going through a lot of heartache. They have two daughters that are not active members but they’ve been this way since their teen years. She’s just relied a lot on Jon and it hurts to see him go through this change.  I tried to say that even if it takes a long time for him to come back, if he ever does, it’s really on his own that it will happen. She blamed herself a little wondering if she leaned on him too much at times, like after his father’s heart attack. I tried to say that he was given a good foundation and it was him who made this decision. Maybe it will be for the better. Now I’m forced to be a stronger member and to gain a sure testimony. Where as before I was just going along. I still feel as though I am just going by. I wonder what I have to do in order to be sure of everything. I wonder about the work and dedication and if I have it. I wonder if it will be enough for my own children.
I worry about the phone calls. I hope to have strength to tell her to stop calling if it becomes to interfering or weighs me down. In some weighs I’ve tried to just move on and not dwell anymore, though we still have our problems. I worry that her worries will actually hurt our relationship. Worries about me staying, though she feels that I will, or worries about him and what she’ll do now that her rock as transformed and is something she does not completely know.
She a wonderful woman she just worries.
I am doing well. I’m actually craving another baby. I look at Eden and think how I was pregnant with her when Lilah was this age. I look at her and think how young she is and how  Lilah was still so young when I had her. I love my girls and I’m just getting a little baby hungry. I tell myself I’m not ready now to have that stress enter and that helps. I tell myself that if I’m careful Heavenly Father won’t give me a baby before I am ready. I hope that I’m ready for whatever happens.

Before all this happened I was very happily married and I found much sanctuary in my husband.
It seems that I’ve been so angry lately that I remember to love him because I should love him, but I often forgot why I loved him in some ways. Shortly before I found out about his new beliefs we attended the Dixie Chicks concert. I loved sitting there holding Jon’s hand and singing. On there newest CD, Taking the Long Way, they have a song titled Easy Silence. This song made and makes me think of Jon. Most of the song it about their own trials and what they’ve been through, so I don’t relate to that part but I relate to the chorus:

Easy silence that you make for me
It’s okay when there’s nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me

When they sang this song the night of the concert I believe I sang into Jon’s ear. It’s how he made me feel and makes me feel. Relaxed and accepted. He was the one person I totally exposed myself to without the worries of judgment. Well I worried, but in some ways I did not.
With all the anger I’ve had lately I’d forgotten about the comfort I had with him and the love I felt.
Saturday night PBS’s Austin City Limits had the Dixie Chicks performing. We came upon it and decided to stay up late to watch. The song Easy Silence came on and in a way I felt a lot of the love that I had been withholding from Jon come out. Part of the wall I had built was taken down.

I’m trying to love Jon throughout this ordeal. Really I haven’t stopped. It’s just at certain moments I feel that I have very little love for him, and a whole lot of anger, which is natural. The only way I can make it through this is to love my husband, my children, myself but most importantly my God.

I just want to thank everyone for their love and support. This is a cheesy way to do it, but I’m grateful to have so many friends and family who love me.
I have known for a while about Jon. Most of the sadness is from having to tell others. I hate worrying others. I am doing okay.
I just feel shaken from a dream to a harsh reality of questions and choices. I am finding my strength from others around me.
I was able to go to the Temple Wednesday, so that was enjoyable. It was a session in which some from our Relief Society attended together so I was able to sit and talk with my Relief Society President, whom I have grown to love in this year in the ward, she helped to give me comfort.

Wednesday was just hectic. After having a relaxing morning at the temple and lunch I came home to the craziness of telling and bringing this change into the open. It was just so much.

I want to say and make it clear. Jon loves me. He is supporting me in my decision to stay active in the church. He is not trying to convert me to his beliefs. He is planning on sharing these ideas with our children. After all it is who he is now and I sympathize with him not wanting to hide who he is. I don’t like it, but I just hope that I am able to provide a sure foundation for my children with a belief in God and his love for them.

It’s interesting because I’ve heard a lot from his older sister Annie. Annie is one of Jon’s sisters and is eight years older than he. She and her family are not active in the church and we haven’t really had to many religious discussions. One reason for that is we only see each other at family gatherings, in which the parents are there. We usually don’t discuss religion, but even if it comes up she is respectful to our parents and tries not to disrespect their love for the church. I find it refreshing that we’re able to talk more about religion. In some ways I think I have a lot in common with her, and now I believe her and Jon have more in common.

I am finding my footing. I am finding my strength. I hope I can endure and find the truth for myself.
My heart aches when I have had thoughts that the church is not true. I see that as a sign that it is true.

I may just be using this as a coping mechanism, but I know there are many religions out there. I think many have truths to them. A leader in my life says it’s so Satan can lead them away from the true church. I think it is so people can find some solace in God in a way that helps them, or perhaps no God. At one point I could have seen his point. Now I see that even if someone is not a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day saints, and they wish not to be, then hopefully they are still living a good life. I think and know Jon will continue to live a good life. This new decision is what helps him make good choices. That’s fine.
The church at times can be restrictive and people can be driven by guilt and fear. I know I have had those times in my life. As I talked to one friend she mentioned how the church is really seen differently through each members eyes.
People adapt any religion to what they see is right for them. What brings me comfort may not bring you comfort. What motivates someone not to sin could crush the spirit of another.
I think I have found more love for those outside of my beliefs. I have more sympathy for those who do not believe as I do.
I hope Heavenly Father is merciful to all.

So Yesterday was the day I exposed myself to the world. Even though it was his choice I still worry about judgment in the years to come from those who do not understand or refuse to try. To be able to talk openly about it is a relief, but as we are exposed it can bring deeper hurt and opportunities for new judgment. Most people I know send love and support. I am grateful for that. In a way I worry about my own judgment and self doubt, not others. I hope to come out of this stronger. I hope to help my children choose a good path. I worry that I will be lost and then my own will also. I wish away my situation but it still lingers and longs to be dealt with. I know my husband says he loves me but I’ve never felt more alone as I do now.

I feel as though my inadequacies are being measured.
I feel as though I have to begin anew.
What I thought has been taken from me.
What I knew has been altered till unrecognizable.
I am naked before myself, yet all I see is nothingness.

Jon wrote his family another e-mail. I said his first e-mail was too vague and that he needed to expand since the blog does little to do that as of now Here’s his second e-mail.

I have realized (it has been pointed out to me, anyway) how cruel it
is to withhold the whole story. I guess the blog is more aimed at
telling the story well for my posterity than being informative to
those who have no idea what I’m talking about. So here’s the story in
a nutshell:

As Lilah and Eden grew and started to ask questions (mostly Lilah) I
knew that I would be teaching them to believe in Mormonism. This
reawakened old doubts that I had been hiding from for years. I decided
that I had to know for myself. I couldn’t lie to them and say that I
was sure when I wasn’t. So I studied and prayed like we’ve been taught
to do. My studies took me outside of the comfortable mainstream of
Mormonism to faithful LDS authors who reported Mormon history as it
was, not as we might wish it to be. My doubts were being confirmed
rather than quieted. In the midst of this, I began to hear about some
recent atheist books published partially in reaction to the religious
fundamentalism which motivated the 9/11 attacks. As I heard the
authors’ arguments, I experienced a radical awakening where I suddenly
realized that everything that I had believed about Mormonism was the
product of self-deceit. This realization, while at times frightening,
brought me unexpected peace and joy.

If I must label myself now, I would say that I am ultimately agnostic,
because I believe that no one (including myself) can have true
certainty about anything. However, the evidence – or lack thereof –
forces me to believe that there is no supreme being, lovingly
intervening in our lives.

This will terrify some, I think. I would have been very worried if I
heard this about someone in our family just a couple of years ago. We
have come to rely on God to protect us against many frightening
things. What I didn’t realize before is that it is possible to live a
perfectly happy, moral life without believing in God. I am happy,
contrary to what I would have expected. I want to be moral (in the
broad sense, not just sexually) because of my empathy for others and
because it is the path to happiness.

If Mormonism is true, then I was doing it very, very wrong. It was the
source of unnecessary anxiety in my life as I tried to be obedient. I
constantly worried about reaching the Celestial Kingdom.
Paradoxically, the less I worried about being obedient, the happier I
was. The happier I was, the more I wanted to be good and help other
people. The people who are the happiest in Mormonism must either have
become supremely self-disciplined or have come to terms with their own
mediocrity. I never managed to do either.

My conscience began to jab me in the ribs every time I participated in
the Church in a way that falsely implied that I believed. But I didn’t
want to leave until I had given it my best shot to get back on the
bandwagon. So I kept this change of heart secret from April of last
year in the hopes that I would return to sanity and that I wouldn’t
need to hurt my family. As I studied and prayed, the separation
between me and God only deepened. The Scriptures where full of ideas
that I found unbelievable or even repugnant. I felt like my prayers
were going no further than the inside of my own skull – like they
always had, now that I thought about it.

So late last year I told Lacey. Things still didn’t change. So last
week, I decided that enough was enough. I sent in a letter of
resignation from my church callings last week. I always hated when
family members weren’t active in the Church for reasons that I
couldn’t really figure out. Instead of asking them what their reasons
were (which I thought might be impolite because I assumed that they
were ashamed of whatever reasons they may have), I played a guessing
game.

I didn’t want that to happen in my case. I plan to say it loud and
proud, as they say. I don’t want that silence between me and any of my
family any more. So I’m leaving the Church, those are my reasons, and
no, I’m not ashamed.

What everyone is probably more worried about is how Lacey and I are
doing. I am fairly confident that most of you are more worried about
Lacey than about me. No… it’s okay: I understand. 🙂

I realize that this is completely unfair to Lacey. I’ve changed the
ground rules that we agreed to when we were married. I’m doing my best
to make as few changes to our lives as possible (e.g. I help with the
children in Sacrament Meeting and support her in paying a full tithe).
I am fully supportive of the choices that she makes. I’m not trying to
persuade her to follow me to the dark side. If she catches me on a
good day, I don’t think there’s anything that she could do to make me
stop loving her. We’re talking. We’re trying to find ways to adjust so
that we can preserve the wonderful marriage that we have.

I am hopeful for the future.

With Love,

Jonathan

Parts of the letter were news to me. I did not know that he has felt this way since April and I did not know the whole story about his reasons for looking because of teaching the girls.

In some ways I have tried to be quiet and not hear or question him about his beliefs.One reason for that is when I do he seems to already have an answer and I seem baffled. Jon says that he’s already been over these questions in his mind and that’s why he has an answer. (I told him I hate how he has an answer for everything I bring up lately.)

I’m also trying to stay somewhat ignorant to the details of his beliefs until I am stronger in my own convictions. He understands this. I feel as though my doubts are real through his doubts, but I want to come to a much different conclusion than he has.

I suppose I have felt lukewarm in the church. I think I know it’s true but I can’t pinpoint any time in my life where I have felt with conviction that I knew. I suppose this might be the trial that does it even if it takes time. I am trying to love him despite all this. At times I do not, but overall I do. It’s just hard to see and realize the vast difference in our beliefs. It hurts to see them. It hurts to think of my children having such different veiwpoints taught to them.
In some ways I have a lot to post on this subject in others I do not. Some nights we stay up late arguing, well not arguing as much as me being upset and crying at him. Other nights we’re able to discuss.
I’m saddened by so many things now that I don’t have words to describe. I have so many questions to ask and situations to figure out that I can’t see road before me.
I hope only to have the love and support of family and friends.

So on this change I sent out a personal e-mail to my family. I thought of sending one out to my friends but then I decided, if you don’t check my blog and I don’t see you often enough to tell you this change in person then when/if you find out will be the appropriate time, rather then giving this info out to everyone I keep loosely in touch with over e-mail. If you check my blog regularly, then you care enough about my life, or are noisy enough about my life to find out this information. I know there are plenty of people who care who do not check regularly, but for now all I’m able to deal with are those who do.
This will seems a little coarse of an intro to what I’m about to post, but I think I’m at that point in my day where I want to be coarse and not sappy.

The following is an e-mail I sent to my immediate family members today.
Dear Family,

Jon has recently made, though it has been a long process, a personal change. The following is a copy of a e-mail he sent to his family members. I on the other hand I will bluntly state that he no longer is participating or believes in the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I still love him deeply and he is still very much the same person he was before. It’s not like he’s flipped some switch and is completely different. He still loves me and the girls and we are staying together to figure this out.
The letter includes a link to his blog where he will try to help those around him understand and see how he came to this decision. He is not trying to persuade anyone to believe as he does. He just wants others to understand him a little more so that confusion, heartache or anger may be lessened by reading. He is not bitter towards the church and he is not leaving because of some sin. His beliefs have just been altered so much that he cannot pretend to believe. He still supports me with raising our girls in the church. He is not trying to persuade me to believe has he does.
Please bookmark the below link because it will be updated and a continuing development for a period of time, after a while it will be more of his own outlet on his new beliefs, but for now it will slowly tell his story of change.
For those who are finding out this information for the first time, I am sorry I did not tell you in person or over the phone. It’s just been chaotic and I feel a little drained from it all. The thought of telling one more person hurts me physically and just seems to open the wounds I have. Over all I am doing OK, but I am saddened by the loss of my eternal companion.

Love,
Lacey

Greetings All,

I am beginning to blog about some recent personal changes. I feel that
blogging is the most appropriate way to inform you of these changes. I
communicate much more clearly when I have the chance to search out
words to more accurately reflect my thoughts. Though this method is not
as personal a phone call, I think it will help us to end up with a
better understanding of each other when all is said and done.

I ask that you do not discuss this with Mom and Dad until I have a
chance to do it myself. I’m trying to decide how to tell them in a way
that will convey my deep love and respect for them and minimize the
heartache that will surely follow. Any suggestions you may have would
be most appreciated. I regret that they will have to adjust to these
changes at this time in their lives.

http://www.blakeclan.org/jon/greenoasis/

With my love,

Jonathan

I have had this knowledge since November 29, 2006.

I’ll elaborate more later this week. For now I am drained.