Is It Naptime Yet

I don’t like dirt. As a mother it drives me crazy. Our back yard is really dusty and it drives me crazy to take the girls out there. It’s not as dusty as it use to be. Our yard now has grass except one area where Jon will be putting a sand box. We’re going to cover the existing dirt because it’s very silty and it stays in the air when playing or sweeping it. Our neighbor to the east has a concrete back yard. Our neighbor to the west has dirt backyard. Everything is dirt. I wish we could have gotten that yard so we’d have more area to plant grass. Since we have a neighbor with a dirt backyard, our yard gets very dusty after winds, plus our dirt gets blown around. It’s hard to sweep because of how it gets in the air and all over you. It’s just not fun. That said Lilah wanted to go outside and play this morning. I know I need to give them outside time, I just dread cleaning them and getting dirty myself. Like I said I hate dirt. Our grass was wet with dew so they both pretty much stayed off and got dirty on the concrete or sandbox. I know I need to loosen up and let them get dirty…I just like leaving that up to Jon. He doesn’t mind getting dirty or waking on a wet lawn. It drives me crazy to do those things. I usually help clean the girls up after they’ve been outside just because I’m more anal. I may be a little compulsive….I don’t mind going to parks, that sand comes off easily…our dirt coats. Plus there are things to do at the park, slides, swings, and tunnels. The kids entertain themselves. In our backyard I’m the entertainment and I admit sometimes I don’t know how to play with them outside…at least in a way I feel comfortable with. I’m trying to be better. I let them play outside, rather then stay inside….but I wish I could be a little more easy going, and play…maybe we should get a slide.

Friday was the last day I feed Eden. I am now trying to get my breast to stop producing milk. I’m pumping in the morning and twice now Eden has seen me pumping and done the eat sign. It breaks a little mama’s heart to have her baby want to nurse but to say no. Granted I say no and do the all gone sign and she moves on, but it still makes it hard. Jon gave me little comfort with the fact that she won’t remember her mother telling her no she can’t nurse…but I guess it’s better than her being old enough to remember. Feeding her once a day in the morning isn’t very inconvenient. I just lay in bed with her and let her eat while I try to rest my eyes. I suppose I figured it was just time to stop. I want my breast back. So that’s the story of my mammary glands. I’m hoping I can be a normal woman…rather than a cow (that’s for you Brien if you got through this) by next week. Then on our Nevada day Holiday I can organize my room and get rid of nursing things in my drawers and move them to boxes.

My next dilemma is when to stop my birth control. I have enough for this month. I want to wait until January or right before then to stop so then I would hopefully have a baby later in the year, say November or December if it takes us a few months before we get pregnant. Jon reminds me that I’m getting less fertile….I know you older women are laughing…I’m 23… Really I’m getting towards the declining stage…the late 20’s…I just have a few more years…but I’m not at my peak and men’s fertility start declining in their late 30’s..according to what I just read….Anyways I worry that if I wait too long then I’ll be having a baby in January or February. So I may stop the end of this month, or maybe November. I really worry about where we’ll put a baby, and I worry about having a boy and needing to buy all new clothes, and what to do with all the girl clothes. Mostly I worry about where to put a baby. I want a baby because that means we’ll get our second car ( I know it sounds selfish..but I really can’t wait until we get a second car..or really a minivan)…I just don’t know if I want the baby. Part of me feels that we’re suppose to have one soon or get pregnant sooner than I want…but that kinda saddens me because I feel that I’m fighting with what Heavenly Father might want for us. Really maybe I’m suppose to just put my trust in him and he won’t give us our next one for a while or at least before we’re ready. It’s hard for me to give him my trust because I like to be in control, or at lest have the illusion. We’ll see what he has in store.

I have taken two test in the last two days…and I have one more to take by tomorrow. I don’t think I have ever been so prepared for three test at the same time….I suppose the test scores will tell me how prepared I thought I was.
My CRJ Stats course is the one test I still have to take and I have until tomorrow. That class is starting to become difficult. We’re getting into the part where you have so many steps just to get the answer…so if you mess up then you have to do the whole thing over…luckily most of it is repetitive steps. But none the less it takes half a page to do a problem and by the end of the semester it takes at least a whole page. It also takes more brain power than I normally like to exhort…It’s hard for me to do things in just commercials, or even when the girls shows are on or with them playing. That is the hardest….to study when they’re awake….especially with Eden awake. Lilah watches TV and is fine…Eden wants attention, or she gets into things…So you lose concentration and forget where you were or you mind starts wondering while reading and you’ve read a whole page and don’t remember a thing. That happens a lot to me.

The semester is nearly half way over…that I can’t believe…I’m finishing week 6 of 15.
I still haven’t decided if I’m going to walk. It just seems like such a big production…and then there’s sending out the announcements and having my girls sit relatively still in a large auditorium for at least 2 1/2 hours. Plus their might be horn blowers and just loud people, in which I know Lilah would be scared of the horn blowers.
I also know my mom might try to persuade me to walk. Andrea had to walk because of mom…and I’m sure she wanted to walk also, at least to some degree. I didn’t go to her graduation because it was the same one as Jon’s. Jon wasn’t walking because he didn’t want to sit through it…so why should I go if my own husband wasn’t walking? I was also about 32 weeks pregnant with Lilah…so being pregnant and sitting in an auditorium on hard seats didn’t sound to appealing.
It still doesn’t sound appealing, but I’m also thinking of the accomplishment of graduating. I have a few more weeks before I have to decide…I guess I’ll let you know.

Jon thought this was funny. I hope I remember the incident correctly because it was kinda amusing.

Saturday morning we all were in bed, well it was the three of us, Jon, Lilah and me. We were talking about breakfast and what we should have. Jon mentioned eating Lilah and of course she said “No we don’t eat Lilah.” Some how the conversation came to her being salty and this is what she did.
‘Yeah my toes are Salty.”
she then proceeds to lift her foot and she inserted her big toe in her mouth.
“Yeah that was salty.”

Jon found it funny. I thought oh great, we have a toe sucker.

Eden is walking 95 % of the time. She was pretty timid at the beginning of last week but as the week went on she started venturing out more and by Thursday she was walking 50% of the time. She’s figured it’s easier to stay standing and walk, even though it’s slow and sometimes wobbly, than to get to her knees and crawl. She doesn’t look down and watch the ground so she either walks until she runs into a doll on the floor and then goes to the ground, or she bulldozes through it until it’s out of her way. She’s so cute and Lilah loves to announce that Eden’s walking. It’s strange to have a two foot tall baby walking…she’s getting big so fast. She also drooling up a storm. One upper molar has broken though on the top left and on her top right side you can feel another one just under the gums. She’s also really ornery and sensitive. Don’t take anything away or she’ll cry, don’t say no or she’ll cry and above all do not take her away from the computer that she so loves to restart…or she’ll cry. It’s only been recently that she’s been soo sensitive, so I’m pretty sure it’s the teething that’s bothering her. Otherwise she’s a happy baby. She’s also starting to try words. You can her her say water….of course in a baby way..after you ask if she wants water and she tries to say bread, and the cutest is when you think she’s saying Lilah. At first it was more yaya, now she kinda put an “L” in it but not always. Of course she only says mama whens she’s really upset and even then she doesn’t do it all the time. Neither of my girls really called me mama, they said dada first and other words. Eden just smiles when we ask her to say mama or dada. It’s a little bit of a relief to have her saying words. She signs plenty, more and cracker and dog when she sees a dog, or really any animal. She communicates well, that’s one reason she’s usually a happy baby, she just doesn’t say words. Lilah was the same way….so I’m not worried. She’s very attentive and listens to our directions easily…she just doesn’t verbalize her words.

We had General Conference this weekend. This was probably the first weekend that Lilah was very irreverent… the other ones weren’t bad, this one it seemed the only time I could be truly attentive was while Jon and  Lilah ate their hot dogs outside, and had the radio on to listen. They we’re only out there for the first half hour for the Sunday afternoon session though. Lilah finally got use to the idea of General Conference Sunday afternoon, the last session. She was attentive during songs during each session, and we tried to sing them. She just was, well a three year old during the talks and especially Saturday morning when she realized we couldn’t watch the Incredibles. I wanted to keep her in the living room…playing quietly or looking at books. She wanted to play the computer, which was off limits.  I offered a Friend at one point only to have her say no and try to put it back on the shelf. I put it away to have her throw a tantrum…I waited until she asked for it politely…then she again tried to put it away…I asked for it and she ran so I got it and put it away….she was crying and annoying me…once she calmed down she asked for it once more. I gave it to her and she was calm….It was fun. Eden was mostly okay…she just got upset when Lilah moved in on her cubby hole…an empty self space in the entertainment center. Lilah thought it looked fun and Eden didn’t mind sitting on her sister, but she didn’t like Lilah pushing her off. I was awake for most of the sessions and I was able to ignore the girls a little, so I think it went well about 65% of the time.

An old friend called me this afternoon. She and her family moved to St. George just over year ago…a little before I had Eden. They moved out of the ward a year before that…so we’ve keep in touch but at the same time lost touch a little. She became my friend when I was called as an assistant to her for Achievement Days (activities with the 8-11 year old girls). I either wasn’t pregnant with Lilah or I was just pregnant when I began the calling. I wouldn’t have guessed that we’d become friends. In some ways we have very little in common in other ways we have a lot…and above all we get one another…I really love and understand her. Our friendship grew a lot once I had Lilah. She would pick me up and take me to her mommy group and to the movies and on her errands. It was wonderful to get out of the house and she never minded me and Lilah. She’d talked and I’d listen and then analyse for her. I understood her problems because some of my feelings and insecurities were the same. She was so loving and accepting. I felt so comfortable around her. We saw on another at our dirtiest..whether it was our dirty house, or the fact that we hadn’t showered. I learned some pointers about being a mom by watching her with her son. Even though I haven’t really spent time with him in two years…I’m sure he’s the most well behaved and non spoiled…except with tons of love… only child that you’ll ever find.
She’s a darling women and very talented. She sews, really she quilts… and is very talented…and she scrapbooks…she makes all sorts of little things for people that in the end don’t matter. That’s one of the things I would always remind her about…Does it really make a difference if you make that, will it enrich that person’s life more, or it it not necessary to stress and work on because it won’t truly be appreciated? I was making good headway and weening her off her over-achiever habit then she moved and then she moved again. When we talk or e-mail she tells me she hears my voice when she’s doing an unnecessary project. I’m glad she at lest still hears my voice even if she doesn’t listen. She’s a wonderful friend and I love that she e-mails and tries to keep in touch. I’m horrible but I’m trying to be better. Sometimes I forget about her, or really life goes on and you get caught up in life…it happens to us all, but when I remember her I miss her. She’s a dear friend and I hope we continue our e-mails and random calls and that she someday gets a blog. I don’t sew or do projects, so this is my outlet. I write because I’m procrastinating, or there’s something on my mind. She submerges herself in projects that have due dates that come too soon. She miraculously finishes much of what she does…how I’m unsure…but staying up till 2 am is part of it.

I love you Marcie Schear…Thanks for being my friend.