Is It Naptime Yet

I’m waiting for Eden to fall asleep so I can get in the shower. I don’t want her coming out while I’m in the shower, so I’m waiting.
We’re having our date night tonight, so I really need her to take a nap so she’s not too grumpy for the sitter, but I guess she’s just too excited to go to sleep knowing she’s going to Britta’s house to be babysat.

Anyways yesterday I had an awkward experience.

One of the missionaries and a high priest from our ward came to just ‘visit’ with Jon.

I heard the doorbell and saw it was an elder so I told Jon and he went back to our bedroom.

I opened the door to say hello and pardon myself from not inviting them in because my husband was in the back and is not a participating member of the church .( I also wanted to see why they were there before I invited them in. ) They didn’t seem to have any purpose for the visit so I was a little stand offish.

The elder said he had heard that he, meaning Jon, had gone on a mission and asked where. I told him and then he asked if he had any interesting stories. I couldn’t remember any off the top of my head, after all they are not my stories and we don’t reminisce on Jon’s mission very much, even before he left the church.

So the Elder asked if he could talk with Jon just to speak with someone who had been back East.  (I’m guessing he might be from back East, though I didn’t ask.)

I had to decline and tell him that my husband doesn’t speak with the elders.
And he persisted.
And I declined.
So he gave up.

I felt kinda bad, but not really. Jon supports me in letting the home teachers come by, but they’re here to talk to me, so it doesn’t matter that he’s in the back.

Plus as Jon put it, if a person is representing the church he’s not wanting to talk to them. He’s not wanting to “befriended” by those who see a duty in bringing him back to the church or who would have a duty to bring him back to church.

Part of me is slightly annoyed at who decided to have the elder come by because I know that it’s no use and it put me in an awkward situation. Granted it is Jon putting me in an awkward situation because he’s not the one turning the elders down, but we didn’t know the purpose of the visit.
(I  wasn’t sure if they were tracking, until I opened the door and saw his companion was an high priest, and I didn’t know if they were just in the neighborhood and wanting to remind me to me a good member missionary and wondering if there was anyone they could contact etc.)

I suppose this is bound to happen, but it’s just awkward trying to have a husband distance himself from a religion you’re actively participating in.

It makes me feel isolated, though I know he also feels isolated.

Anyways, Eden’s obviously not going to take a nap, especially since she’s on the couch watching PBS so I should go shower to be pretty for our date. After all a night at home watching Chicago is something to dress up for.
(We spent a lot last month on our anniversary so we’re being cheap so we can even out the budget.)

The girls have had runny noses and weren’t fit to interact with kids so we decided to go to the Unitarian Universalist Church of Las Vegas today. I promised Jon we could go later this month, but today seemed as good as any, plus they won’t miss two Sunday’s this month. We kept them with us the full service, even though they read a children’s story to the kids and congregation before the children were dismissed for their class, but mostly because they were sick and to let them get use to the idea of this new place. (Lilah was very negative at first, but she decided she liked it as we got settled. I think she liked having a name tag.)

Jon says he’s still deciding whether the UUCLV will fulfill the needs he’s looking for, so I guess we’ll kinda be deciding as a family as we continue to go once a month.

I’ve agreed to going once a month thus far even  though he would like to attend 50/50 for each church. They start at 10 and our church is from 9-12, and I’m wanting Lilah to be able to participate  as fully in Primary as possible. Next Year when we go to the 11 o’clock schedule I’m willing to let them go twice a month, and miss sacrament twice a month but still go to Primary each Sunday, I figure 4 hours of church would be too much but I’m wanting to allow Jon a little more time with them if he chooses this to be the community he wants to be a part of.

I’m not ready for 50/50 and I admit I am pulling the ‘you decided this and I didn’t and I want my children to go to my church more’ card in a way. I’m trying to be open minded, but the thought of only attending twice a month to my church, and three times when there is a fifth Sunday, is too much for me to handle. He wants them to have an alternative community so they’re not just choosing to be Mormon because that’s what they’re more fully involved in and know. I want them to be exposed but still mostly apart of my faith, the faith I’ve always planned on teaching them.

Some might wonder why I’m even willing to let my children participate in two faiths. One reason is the UUCLV isn’t really a specific faith dominated religion, but one that explores many faith’s and discusses good values.
Two, is if I expect my husband to support me I need to support him and I don’t want my children to feel that they’re choosing sides, or choosing parents when they decide to become or not become one of our faiths.

You might wonder why I stay in the situation and not just leave.

While talking with a friend about what makes a marriage worth it, we talked about being happy or having the same faith. Some people have the same faith and are not happy at all and then you have those with different beliefs but are happy.

I am happily married.

I admit I am having difficulty with the idea of letting my children have two faith communities, but in reality I don’t feel making them attend my faith will guarantee them to choose it. I know plenty of  faithful Mormon families whose children have chosen a different faith, including within my own. I also know families of parents with different faiths whose children have decided to be Mormon.

I do want my children to choose the LDS faith because they want to and not because it’s all they know.
All I can do is try to be an example and to show love to them throughout their turbulent time of deciding what is true for them.

I say true for them because what is truth for me is not truth to you, though we may have some commonalities.

Today went well and I’m sure Lilah liked it in part for the light food that was served afterwards.

I’m interested in being apart of the community for activities so they can get to know our family and we can get to know them.

So Lilah is sick today.
She has a fever.
Go figure.
I could have gone to church, but for whatever reason I felt I should be home today. (I guess it was the fact that Lilah wanted to stay and cuddle in bed with me rather than watch TV and I wanted to stay and cuddle with her rather than get up.)
I’m letting Jon visit the Unitarian Church today.
It just seems easier to have it happen on a day where I don’t have to explain why my husband isn’t at church with me and my two daughters, though I wouldn’t of had either of my daughters with me today and he if he likes the church I’ll probably have to say it eventually since he’ll be going at least once a month.
Eden is not sick, but she still has a horrible sounding cough and since Lilah is sick and it just happened last night, I felt that she’d be likely to spread her sisters germs.

How many Sundays till you’re considered inactive?

Yesterday was busy so I wasn’t able to write about this until today.

A year from yesterday Jon announced his disbelief in God.
I remember my heart breaking and the sadness I had.
A lot has happened in the past year but in some ways very little.
I’ve realized I can survived a marital crisis.
I’ve realized that a spouse changing beliefs is not the end of the world.
I’ve realized how much my family loves me and my husband.
I’ve realized I am strong and that going to the temple alone is not lonely if you go with other relief society sisters.

I still long for a supportive husband that can teach the Gospel by my side, but I am happy that Jon is happy and is being himself.

So it’s been a year. I’m still married and still in love with my husband.

We went on a date Friday night.
I love the ward we’re in. We have great people with great daughters who are willing to watch our girls for free and what parent doesn’t like free babysitting, unless the person is a total weirdo? (The Jewitt’s daughter, Shelby, is 14 and is the ‘technical’ babysitter when they have the girls, but my girls also love Hannah, who is 10, and is their playmate. I love the Jewitt’s. They are an awesome family, and not just because they give us free babysitting. 😉 )
Anyways, we traveled the 16 miles and saw the Elizabeth movie. I used a free pass and one we bought from Costco. The theater we went to charges $10.25 per person for a movie. Yeah, that’s why we’re picky and I buy discount tickets at Costco. ( It’s just hard to pay $20 for 2 hours of entertainment unless it’s really good.)
It was a good movie and we headed over to Coldstone afterwards for some yummy ice cream dessert since it’s only like 60 something degrees in the evenings still.
We got the girls to bed late, but we had a fun night.

Saturday we did various things round the house. I inside and Jon outside.
He found a lizard while cleaning outside and the girls had fun looking at it and touching it.

Our side-yard bug eater.

Don’t hurt the lizard.

Later that night we bit the bullet and cut Eden’s hair yet again.
She loves to play with her hair and lately she wakes with big honking knots in her hair. And she complains about me taking them out.
So Jon cut her hair and I helped towards the end.
It’s very short.
It gives me confidence that we can cut our boys hair, if we ever have one.

An example of the knot I face after she sleeps. I mean both nighttime and nap time I’ve had to deal with taking one of these out.

Her hair is pretty ruined at the tips where her knots have been.

The last picture with her having longer hair.

The first cut.

After…She might be destined for short hair throughout childhood.

Even though it’s so short it kinda fits her personality.
She’s still so cute but I’m gonna miss putting her hair in pigtails.

She didn’t enjoy the haircut. She was crying a little by the end when we were trying to make sure everything was okay. She has crooked bangs, but I think that’s standard on little kids.

We also visited Jon’s parents today after church and the girl’s naps. It’s been forever because someones been sick or we’ve had other engagements with my family.
We finally made it today. Jon also set up a machine that helps send information to Dad’s doctor from his pacemaker each night.
Dad was very slow getting around tonight and it was a slight reality check to see how bad he’s gotten, though it might also be that we just haven’t seen him for so long and have forgotten how slow he was before.

We also had a family from our old ward, as in the ward we were in for the first three years of marriage until we moved two years ago, move into our ward boundaries.
It’s ironic because Jon has a lot of respect for the father and he is probably the one person he didn’t want to know, or have to tell, about his change of heart. (His wife knows because we share a close mutual friend, so I’m sure he knows also.)
It’s still nice to have a family move into our ward because it seems like everyone is moving out.

Saturday we received a phone call from a friend. The husband asked if he and his wife could come over. I said sure and then worried.
Why would they be coming over?
They never come over.
Why would they come over without any kids?

They came and sat down and told us how the wife was the director for a small Christmas program that would be held at the Mormon Fort here in Vegas. This would be the first year for the program and it was actually being put on in part by a Lutheran Minister, so it was a nonspecific denominational type activity. They’re going to have people doing pioneer type things and they’re also going to have a live nativity. It’s a program and then the audience walks around.
After she explained that she asked if we would be the Mary and Joseph for the Nativity. (They know that Jon’s not a participating member but they hoped he might do this anyways.)
She said before you say no let me tell you why we picked you, or why we thought you two would make a good Mary and Joseph.
One, she said how I reminded her of what Mary might look like, two was be cause of how Jon treats me.
She went on to say when they were chosen to be Mary and Joseph in a live nativity years ago the director told them that she chose them because of the way her husband treated her. He was so kind and loving towards her that the director envisioned Joseph treating Mary that way. So, when they had to think of a young couple to play the part of Mary and Joseph they both thought of us, because Jon is so loving towards me and they see that love.
The wife and I both had watery eyes. One was to think of the love our husbands show for us but for me it was also knowing that Jon would say no, but how I would love this experience.
They asked us to think about it and to let them know the next night.
Well, while Jon and I both knew his answer I still thought about what it would be like to be Mary.

My first thought was my hair was not very long. I would have to tell my hairdresser to keep as much length as she could so maybe by December my hair would be to my shoulders. Then Mary probably weighed less than I am now, so I might use this excuse to lose a little of the weight I’ve gained.
I also thought about what kind of mother Mary must have been. Patient and loving, something I feel that I don’t always have or show as much as I should. I wondered what kind of 2 year old Jesus was and if he drove her crazy or if he was perfect. So part of me thought I might need to be a better mother so I could play the role of Mary a little better.

So, Sunday came. I had a little hope that Jon would play the role for me, but he said no. It would be too hypocritical to pretend to play the father to a miraculous birth which he believes did not take place.
I understood.
I was still sad.
I am still sad.
But ultimately I don’t want him pretending to be something he’s not, especially on such a grand scale.

We were to see the couple Sunday, but Eden was sick. So Jon stayed home with Eden and wrote a short letter stating why he couldn’t play the part because I wasn’t going to be the one saying no, he was.
The husband was disappointed but he understood that Jon would feel hypocritical.

I wish the opportunity had come two years earlier.
One, I had longer hair and two, Jon still believed at that point.
Oh well for missed opportunities.

Jon’s new thing is to drink green tea. Now green tea is not technically against the word of wisdom so he’s still not breaking any rules, not that he cares, but I kinda do mostly for the sake of the girls and setting examples. I forget where, and maybe it’s a wise tale and hopefully Jon will give me some links to back me up since I’m just too lazy to look for them, but it has been said that in countries where tea is apart of their cultural that the church has said it’s okay to drink green and white tea, they just don’t advertise that too much here in the U.S. Green and white tea have less caffeine and I’ve even been told by a highly creditable source that the caffeine make up is completely different in black than green tea. Green tea also has health benefits, that’s one of the reasons Jon’s drinking it.

Anyways, I’ve tasted some of the tea’s Jon’s gotten and they just taste like not flavored enough water. I’m just not use to the subtleties. He also doesn’t add any sugar or sweetener’s so I think that makes them even more bland.
Well, while I was looking for his tea the other day at Smith’s I came across this Chai tea Latte mix. I have a friend who drinks Starbuck’s chai tea. Now they use a powder, I believe, but chai tea is made from regular black tea, so technically we shouldn’t drink regular chai tea because it is just spiced black tea, powder or not. Anyways the Chai tea latte mix that I found also comes in a green chai tea latte mix, in which I bought some and tried it. I found it delicious and on further search found out that it’s made by the same people who make Stephen’s hot cocoa, the best hot cocoa in America, I’ve never tried any others.
So I am recommending this Pacific Chai Green Chai Tea Latte mix. It mostly taste like spiced milk, but it is tasty. I’ve only tried it hot, but I think I’ll try it iced next time.

I teach Gospel Doctrine once a month in my ward.  I use to teach Relief Society once a month also, but they’ve recently released me from that calling.
I like teaching  for a couple of reasons. 1. I always get more out of the lesson and it fills my participation quota for the month. 2. It keeps me from doing certain frustrating sub jobs, even though I’m willing to help out, I know how misbehaved a class can be if they have a revolving teacher, especially in youth.

With teaching you also share a lot of personal experiences, especially in Relief Society. There were many times when I wanted to shout out that my husband was a disbeliever, but I knew that would have be an inappropriate time. “What was the lesson about today honey?” “Oh, I don’t remember, but Sis. Blake let us know that her husband is no longer a participating member of the church.”
I feel this way about Testimony meeting sometimes also. People often use it as an announcement session rather than a testament of Christ and his influence in their lives. Sometimes they air out dirty laundry and other times they just glorify their spouses. I admit I have done the later on occasion, but my testimony was not solely about my husband.
There are times that I rather have people not know about my husband because I still go to him to help me explain a topic and he graciously and willingly gives me understanding or a thought on something he read that applies to what I’m teaching. I feel as if the masses knew about him they’d tune out once I said my husband gave me this perspective or they’d immediately start thinking about my husband being an unbeliever and wonder why I was going to him in the first place.
Anyways. I am at odds at letting everyone know about my husband, but then again how do I tell people about husband, and once more I don’t want the attention it might give.
I’m mostly over the impulse to shout it from testimony meeting or in class while I’m teaching. I think I went through it mostly because I was still angry or hurt. Also I felt deceptive teaching and talking about full member families or even part member and to have the majority in the room not know why I was getting emotional.
Now I just want to be over wondering who knows and is being nice and who doesn’t know. I wish I had a list of people that have been told. I don’t see those I’ve told to be gossips, so I’m pretty sure they’ve kept the information to themselves, but I often wonder what has been said in leadership meetings and who was there. When I was in the Primary presidency in my old ward, I sometimes had to fill in for the president at these meetings. It fascinated me to hear about different people and what we were doing for the less active or newly baptized members.
So I really don’t know who’s heard and who hasn’t. I don’t know if the persons reaction is just because they’re an airhead or because they’re rude.
Maybe I’ll bear my testimony next month. 🙂

My husband has his own blog and it deals primarily with his evolving thoughts on religion and other things. My blog is primarily about my day to day life and the things I do with my girls. Every once in a while I get things that peeve me but overall it’s my life not much more.
I’ve recently gotten e-mails from old friends who have discovered my blog and the post specifically dealing with Jon’s decision to become a nonbeliever in Mormonism, or as he would like to say a naturalist.
I haven’t posted much about life and how I’m dealing with it because, like I tell many, it doesn’t affect me each day and it is not a burden per say in my life. I have a difficult path ahead of me, but I feel that my marriage is secure.

Jon is open with Lilah who asks so many questions and with that she asks questions about Jon’s non belief in God. So I have to, and he has to, answer questions about why Daddy doesn’t believe in God and why Mommy does. We try to show each others side and not just persuade her to one.
The funniest thought Lilah had because of this was this question: “Why doesn’t Daddy believe in poop?” She ask this question a couple of times as I dealt with the aftermath of her bodily functions, but I tried to explain that Daddy does believe in poop because you can see poop, no I didn’t add feel, I went on to say that Daddy doesn’t believe in God because he can’t see God, but Mommy believes in God because of the good feelings she’s had. I know it sounds a little lame but I am trying to put it in Layman’s terms for my just 4 a week ago 4 year old.
So, my new dilemma is testifying my belief to my daughters. I don’t see it so much as a trial but as an opportunity for me to learn and gain a greater understanding of my faith so that I can tell them in Layman’s term now and as they age tell them in deeper terms so they can then decide for themselves.

I am well. I love my husband and my daughters. I am happy.
I just wanted to put this little update so those who might wonder how I’m doing know that I am well. All prayers are still welcomed though. I still think they are needed, but more in the light to help me find my way in faith rather than find my way in adversity.
Some might say that this is my trial, my flame to becoming purified through Christ. I don’t know if I see completely that way. After all how is Jon’s disbelief suppose to get me to the celestial kingdom if I can’t be with the person I love? I see it as a way to show a more pure love towards my husband and a pure love towards my children whom might follow my path or chose another.
I ache and long to know my destiny. I wish I could see the end, not to change it, well maybe to change it, but so I know the difficulties that lie ahead.

It was a regular night. The kids were in bed and we were settled on the couch. The TV was turned on to a show that we were only halfway interested in. I worked on a study sheet for my Journalism class. I had a test coming up in about ten days.
Jon turned to me at some point and asked “When does your birth control run out?”
“I have enough till the end of the week.”
He then nonchalantly asked “Can you go on it for another month?”
I thought this is strange. Just a few months earlier he had wanted me to quit so we could have our next child about two years after we had Eden, but I wasn’t ready for a third so I continued birth control and figured I would stop December or January.
I asked “Why do you want me to be on birth control? I thought you wanted to have another baby?”
He just replied “No reason. I just thought you might want to be on birth control longer.”
I knew their was a reason so I continued to prod him and ask him why.
Jon: “I don’t want to burden you now. Lets wait until finals are over then I’ll tell you.”
At this time finals were just over a week away.
Me: “I’m gonna go crazy if you don’t tell me. Now you have me interested and I must know what you’re talking about.”
After a little more coercion he gave in. He asked me to go to the bedroom so he could prepare something. I agreed and I took my study sheet and book with me.
I’m not sure how long it took him to compose the paper he wrote. He mostly was cutting and pasting material he had already written. I was actually able to distract myself and study while he did this.

I heard his fingers on the key board and I wondered what was up. He came to check on me a couple of times. I asked him what it was about. I tried to guess and I listed off several scenarios. I don’t remember what they were but my last one was, “You’re leaving the church.” He was already leaving the room and his reply was just “You ask to many questions.” The moment I said ‘you’re leaving the church’ I had a gut instinct and I knew that guess was correct.

I already knew that some of Jon’s idea’s on how to cope with sin and guilt were different from the churches. I already knew that he looked at the Mormon religion differently than others. I already knew that he believed if the Mormon church wasn’t true none others were.

He came in shortly after this. I believe the paper was just printing when in came in the last time so he just closed up what he had and brought it into me. It was short, just five pages. It’s title was ‘Reverse Conversion’. As I read it my hopes slipped form me. My foundation shook and broke to where I hardly had anything left to stand on. I cried as I read his words. I felt deserted. So much of what he had written coincided with my own doubts. I felt no one was there when I prayed. I felt that I gained little understanding from the scriptures.

As I read I felt that the one person I could look to for guidance was deserting me. That all his knowledge was false and that he didn’t believe as I did. It hurt to see someone I thought I could look to fall away. It hurt that I could understand and see why he didn’t believe. It worried me that I might become a nonbeliever.

The church gives me hope and I didn’t want to lose that hope. The thought of losing my family hurt me physically. I cried when I cuddled with Lilah at her nap times. I felt the sorrow deep within my body. The thought that I might stop believing knotted my stomach. I took that as a sign that it was true.Maybe I did just want to believe because I found it glorious, but I wanted to believe because to lose that meant darkness for me.

I cried until early that morning and we talked. Jon stayed home the next day and we talked or didn’t talk all day. I contemplated leaving him. If he couldn’t give me the eternal family I wanted then I would find someone who would. But what guarantee would I have that this wouldn’t happen again? What real knowledge in the gospel did I have that I knew this is what I wanted for the rest of my life? That I should split my family up over it? I wished I didn’t have children. That if life could be more simple so as to make this decision easier. I felt alone. I felt my prayers were in vain. I forgot my faith.

Time went on. I finished school and eventually I told my eldest sister, Andrea. I cried and I was barely audible at times as I spoke to her on the phone. It had been two weeks at least and I thought I had gotten past the shock. We were suppose to wait to tell people. We wanted to figure out and see if Jon received any revelation that there was a God.
As time past it seemed forever. A month was an eternity. I felt that we were lying and that we should just come out and tell someone. (More than just my sister who was in Ely.) At tithing settlement when the bishop asked if their was anything we needed to discuss we both shook our heads and said everything was fine. I felt torn up inside. Jon said that he’d felt that way for a long time and just telling me helped him.

Rather than wait and test out a few months we decided to just come out in January. Jon had been asked to help with a blessing and he felt nothing while doing it. He just tried to say the words he thought the woman needed to hear. That occurrence made him want to be free of the lie that he was living as a believer.

I suppose my faith was not strong enough to say, “lets give it four more months. Heavenly Father will show you what you want if we are both earnestly trying.”
He had already tried and been trying. He had been praying and reading the scriptures but felt nothing. What could I do to change that? Some might say I should have vigorously turned to the scriptures and gone to the temple and prayed. In some ways I felt that my husband had tried hard and long enough and it would only be in time, a long time, that he would come back, if ever.

My faith had been lost. I felt alone and I felt “Why would God not give my husband an answer if he was trying so hard?” I decided that it wasn’t up to me to help my husband’s faith. It was up to me to help my own. He had made the decision of not believing. In some ways I wanted to stop also. In some ways I fear. I fear that I will come to the same conclusion as Jon. I fear that I will gain a stronger faith and know that he is lost from me.