Is It Naptime Yet

Since this is mostly my family blog and Jon and I mostly have things figured out about our marriage, I don’t blog too much about his change of beliefs and how it affects us, but one thing on my mind lately is children.

When we were engaged and an early happily married, and both Mormon, couple we wanted six kids two years apart. (Just a note that we are now and still a happily married couple.) We had our first child right after he graduated because we felt he would be done with school and able to provide for the family, at least hypothetically. In the following 15 months we had around 5 months of employment with 4 months of unemployment and 6 months of underemployment. It was a sucky time in our financial life and hard on our marriage, but luckily we were pretty use to being poor students and didn’t have a very expensive lifestyle. No car payments, no house payments, one child whom I  breastfeed and made the baby food for not only ’cause it was cheap but because we felt it was the best for her. I was also able to get student loans and grants to help our poor circumstances, though we never had to use the loans at that time.

As the months of underemployment stretched on we realized it was around the time we had wanted to start preparing for another child if we were to stay on our “one every two years” plan. Instead of praying for employment we started praying about our family and whether we should have another baby. I think Heavenly Father answered our prayers by providing Jon his employment at UNLV. Not only did he have gainful employment, at just less than twice what we had ever made in a year combined, though we were very poor so it wasn’t much by some standards, Jon received health benefits immediately, which allowed me to get pregnant nearly immediately and have Eden in the summer so I could do Fall on-line courses after I had her. It was a miracle to me, and one of the few times I’ve felt very guided by the Lord.

Fast forward two years. In the Fall of 2006 it was time to start thinking about another child. I was just finishing my degree so it wasn’t necessary for us to have a child before August and we weren’t sure if we were ready for another one at the time since two seemed like a lot, then Jon dropped the bomb that he no longer believed in the teachings of the Church. It was a shaky time in our marriage and even now, nearly three years later, we’re still figuring things out, though it’s with more love and compassion, rather than anger at the betrayal.

Which finally brings me to my recent thoughts.

Jon and I have be discussing whether we want another child. We both agree that we don’t want one while living in our current house. I feel overwhelmed with the things we have here and the four of us, to bring another child into it would be no doubt very overwhelming and difficult. Plus I worry that if we stayed here too long Jon would actually give the three children the master bedroom because we can’t fit another regular sized bed in there with the bunk beds. 😉

Then there’s the fact that the reason why Jon wanted so many children has changed. I don’t want to completely speak for him, but I can say that the belief that we need to multiply and replenish the Earth and bring as many spirits into this world is not something he believes in now, so the reason why to have a lot of children is not there, besides the fact that we like our big families.

Jon’s not sure if he wants another child and though I know I want another child, I’m just not sure I want to bring one knowingly into a religiously divided home. Some might say that I still can insist that they be raised in the church and only give Jon his one Sunday a month with them, two when there are five in a month, just like I do with our girls, but I can’t. I feel like the situation is different. It’s more like I’ve knowingly married a nonmember who does not agree with my beliefs and want a child with them. Wouldn’t that nonmember be entitled to a full 50% of that child’s Sundays and religious teachings, not just 25%? Granted together we’re trying to raise free-thinkers and children who choose their own religious identity, but I know that they are influenced more by the fact that they attend my church on a regular basis. I know Jon would like 50% of the Sundays, but I just can’t, and I know it hurts him that I don’t let him have 50% of the Sundays.

The rules would change for this third child.

Last week I went through our baby clothes. I’m giving half of them away because we simply can’t store them all for the what if’s. What if we have another baby and what if we have a girl?
It’s more like, what if we never have another baby and what if we never get out of this house?

I’m contemplating long term, less hormonal, birth control because I don’t like taking a pill every day and I’ve decided I don’t like having hormones in my body that don’t need to be there. It’s the long term part that scares me. I haven’t had a child in 4 years, but I don’t want to say I won’t have another child in 4 more years. What I’m contemplating can be removed so as to allow me to get pregnant sooner, but to make that choice is still hard.

I long for a baby in some ways. I’m so young and able, something I know some woman  aren’t, yet here I am not giving birth to any more beautiful children, watching and holding my friend’s children and not enjoying those first couple years of my own infant and toddler.

I will say I am happy with my two girls. I’m not sure how I would home school if I had one or two little ones to take care of also, life seems so overwhelming without adding others to the mix.

A part of me wants to write this down just so it’s been said and there is no wondering why I’m not having more children, and possibly why I may never have more. Some might already understand, most, if not all, would hate to be in my position of a “lost” husband, but I love him and he is one of the most important people in my life and I know he loves me.We both want the best for one another and our children, even if that best might be different in our own, individual eyes.

I happy with my little family, and even though it may never be bigger, I’ll try to glory in the children I have.

pronounced: Jazz-me-den.

Here’s the “Jasmine” outfit I made for Eden. The official Jasmine pattern has been discontinued so I used a genie costume and made two changes. I lengthened the gold belly part by 1 inch. I guess I should have done two. I also widened the straps so it was a little more modest, but I figure it’s a dress up costume and I’m just letting her play so I’m not terribly concerned. I think she’s adorable.

Eden does not like to be called Jasmine when wearing it. She’s still Eden. So I just started calling her Jasmeden, which she still says “No, I’m Eden.”

In an effort to not get completely behind and post every picture post months after if happened, I’m posting pictures from Eden’s 4th Birthday Party.

We had the party at the Zurflueh’s house where Lilah’s was held last year.

We of course had a pinata.

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I made the pinata this year, like I did last year, but since I painted it it didn’t take me 8 hours to decorate. Just $4 for spray paint and half an hour. It’s the only way to make a homemade pinata.
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This is the cake I made, sorry it’s dark but it looks better since you see less of it’s imperfections. I drafted a slightly bigger genie since I decided 8×10 would not be big enough for the sheet cake my mom baked for me.

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We did pin the lamp on the genie. The genie was drawn by my wonderful friend Anna. I painted it.

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This is my niece Adrienne, with her big sister behind helping to hold up the blindfold that I did not securely tie. The funny thing is my niece is far sighted.

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Judging who won.

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We enjoyed some Otter pops and then it was pinata time.

Eden the birthday girl was first.

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Gracie got a really good hit in. I think next year I will make the pinata three layers again and maybe blindfold the kids.

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Josh is in Eden’s church class and lives down the street from us.

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Some of the kids close their eyes when hitting the pinata anyways.

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Christina, Josh’s older sister, broke the pinata on her third hit, but it wasn’t quite spilling the candy yet.

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Her sister finished it off for us.

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We then sang Happy Birthday.  Lilah is such a wonderful big sister. I think everyone needs a big sister.

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I just thought that this was a funny picture.

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We opened presents and then it was time for swimming!!!

The Spencer family.

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Elona Spencer with mommy and sisters behind her.

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Lilah looks like she’s waiting for a swim meet.

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And she’s off!

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Eden swimming with Jon. I think they’re so cute.

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Cute Eden.

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Sam with Britta and baby Matilda.

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Carolyn with Adrienne.

It was a fun enjoyable party and we thank everyone who helped and was able to celebrate with us.

I’ve realized I have two weaknesses right now.

The first is I love, love, love finding school or teaching related things. The whole back to school season has made the stores full of cool learning things and I find myself filling my carts with flash cards, puzzles, glue, pencil box holders, notebooks and workbooks.

I’m just excited to find things that I feel my girls will be excited about and find things to teach them. I may not be the most consistent homeschooler, but the idea is to make my house a learning environment and then all by themselves they’ll be interested in what’s around them and the cool stuff mommy bought to help them learn. My girls love learning and I love watching them learn and right now is the time to get cool workbooks and glue really cheaply. ( They go through glue rather quickly and I fear my 9 bottles that I bought rather cheaply won’t last till the end of August at the rate they love to make crafts. )

My second weakness is sewing. I’ve been sewing a lot. For the past three weeks  I’ve been sewing everyday or night, except weekends, and for the most part I love it. I’ve been able to make some great things and I’m even looking at making a dress for me. We’ll see how that turns out and if I get to it anytime in the near future, but I’m excited to be sewing and creating.

My next project will to fix the slightly to small top of Eden’s Jasmine outfit. (I’m happy I made it a size larger than her measurements, but still disappointed that it fits so perfectly.) Then I get to make some more aprons and bags. JoAnn’s is having a sale on outdoor canvass, 60% off, and I’m so tempted to go buy a lot of fabric for my bags. It’s just that I don’t buy fabric because it’s on sale so have it for when I need it. I don’t have the storage space to do that and even though I have a very specific reason for buying it, I don’t know where I’ll store it till I can use it, though I have an idea where I might put it if I clean out some other things.

I admit my house is holding up, but I need to spend more time on certain things. I feel like I am accomplishing a lot at the same time. I’ve had great cleaning days and great sewing days. I’ve been spending more time with the girls and I’m figuring things out with what I want to teach them and how I want to spend our days. I’m no where near the organizational level I want to be, but it’s baby steps. Just take baby steps.

I’m just going to need to stay away from Target, JoAnn’s and Costco till I can put a rein on my spending. (Costco has great back to school stuff and it’s cheaper and it’s only there for a limited time and too tempting for me.)

So don’t be alarmed if you come to my house and find the ironing board out, sewing machine on my table, a slightly to very messy house, and children reading Brain Quest cards. It’s just how it is around here nowadays.

Eden turns four this week. FOUR! I really can’t believe it, but it’s been fun. So my five things will be centered around Eden this week.

1. I love the way Eden talks. She uses phrases like : “Hey guys….!”, “Uh, I don’t think so.” and “Yiyah” (Though this is more because she can’t pronounce her sisters name just yet.)
2. I love that Eden is a Mamma’s girl and is mostly willing to give me cuddles anytime, though she does love her daddy and chooses him at times over me.
3. I enjoy our afternoon nap time together. We play and sing songs and get some needed rest, though this time is fading since she won’t need naps for much longer.
4. I love her sense of humor. I think Eden is so funny and she reminds me of Carolyn. If it weren’t for the fact that Eden looks like me, I would say I got the wrong child.
5. I love watching Eden’s imaginary play. I love listening to the situations she makes up and I love the cute shy look she gets on her face when I catch her playing. (Anther reason I think she takes after Carolyn, she’s shy.)

Happy Birthday to my Eden Bee-den. I’ve enjoyed our four years together and hope to enjoy watching you grow some more!

On March 25th we went to the Secret Garden and Dolphin habitat with a homeschooling group. Sadly the group has dissolved and it was our last trip with them.

Our friend Hannah came with us. The girls adore her and she adores our girls. Even though I didn’t really need the help, since they are so well behaved and rarely get into trouble in public, Hannah came along and lent her hand to also hold while we walked around and her arms to pick up the girls to see things. It was nice and the reason we invited her to also come to the Shark Reef with us in May.

Here’s just a few pictures of the girls and our activities. I can’t believe it had been two years since we had gone with our old Mommy group and almost to the day.

The underwater observatory.

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The girls loved when the dolphin swam right by the window.

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Above watching them feed the dolphins.

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There was a 6 month old baby dolphin, though it was pretty big for being 6 months old. I’m happy my girls grow slower than a dolphin, but it’s still too fast.

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Cute Eden.

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Hannah helping Lilah look at the map.

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There was also a baby jaguar to watch.

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Hannah with the girls.

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A tiger taking a bath.

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Sisterly love.

I’ve mentioned that the girls are taking swimming lessons right now. Sadly tomorrow is the last day, though I’m somewhat happy at the same time. Since I’m not exactly an early to rise person since I stay up late, I was up till 2 am cutting out an apron last night though usually 12:30 is my bedtime. With not getting up early and on days that we don’t need to go places I let the girls stay in their pajamas till after lunch when we get ready for swimming lessons. I on the other hand do get dressed, most of the time, especially since I had a UPS guy come one day while I was still in pajamas at 11 am. I just don’t see the point to have them get dressed for 3 1/2 hours and then need to change them, though we do that on Sundays but we’re leaving the house so it’s different.

On another note I want to share with you my list of sewing projects, most of which need to be done by next Saturday, all are pretty easy or quick and I’m just excited to make them.

1. Swaddling blankets for a woman in our ward who’s last Sunday it this week, it’s my one thing that needs to be done by this Saturday.
2. Reusable bags. One for Jon and one for a bridal shower I’m going to next Saturday.
3. An apron for the same bride, and it’s in her wedding colors, well it has two of them since I couldn’t remember the other two.
4. I’m altering one of the bridesmaid dresses too, and would like to have that done by next Saturday , though I don’t need it done by then.

Other things: more reusable bags and maybe an apron for me and my niece. Those are to be done sometime this summer. And we’ve decided to make a tent for the top bunk, which I will be sewing and Jon will be building, to help prevent any little heads from running into the ceiling fan. I’m hoping by Christmas we have this ready. (Ignore that we wanted it done by Eden’s birthday. We need to get things out of the shed and out from under our bed so we have space to put things there from the top bunk or maybe even the disassembled crib. Anyone want to help refinish some chairs and put one more coat of shellac on a table? I’m pretty sure I will be in charge of these once it’s cooler, especially since Jon will be busy with work and school during the cooler, but not yet cold months. )

I’m in the beginning stages of planning Eden’s birthday party. I have 3 weeks to plan it and get Eden the perfect gift. The problem being, the perfect gift for her is locked in a vault and not being sold, at least you can’t buy it from stores.

What? Why would someone lock something in a vault for limited release when there would practically always be a demand for it? It’s Disney and they’re dumb and Eden is obsessed with Aladdin. I’m going to do an Aladdin themed party, any suggestions on games are welcomed, and we would like to give her the DVD Aladdin, but it’s not being sold and we debate whether we want to spend $30 on a DVD that’s worth $20. I did find one site that had Aladdin, but I worry that it’s a counterfeit Asian copy, something everyone who resales the DVD claims they are not, and we figure if we’re going to spend money it’s got to be the genuine article. We’re not rushing out to buy anything just yet, hello E-bay, but I do only have two weeks till her actual birthday and it would be nice to have a present for her.

So if you know someone who no longer wants their Aladdin DVD or tape, we’d gladly take it and give it to Eden. Then we could give my parents back their copy and help Eden have the perfect birthday present.

This week we started swimming lessons for the girls  and they are everyday, and they’re in the early afternoon so about an hour after we finish lunch, if we have it on time, we have to start getting ready for  lessons. It kinda ruins any plans a person might have for doing cleaning or organizing, or even sewing, something I’m somewhat dying to so, I’m just not dying to cut out the fabric.

So we finished the play and then had a week off, but in that week off we cleaned and organized the house on Monday, visited with Jon’s niece on Tuesday. Both days he had off. We sent Jon back to work on Wednesday, I did something, but nothing truly productive, Thursday looked the same. Friday Jon had off for the Holiday and I went to my parents to tidy for the BBQ that would be there next day. (I mostly sat and made remarks on how cheesy Escape from Witch Mountain was, the movie my mom was watching on the Hallmark channel.)  I also ran errands for the party/ BBQ that was on Saturday. Saturday was the Holiday, but I ran more errands that morning, made cupcakes, had Eden take a nap, then we went to the 4th of July BBQ/ birthday celebration for my niece and Lilah.

Then it was Sunday and then the week of swimming lessons started and I’ve gotten nothing done. (I have mopped my floors and been able to keep my living room looking mostly descent, except the fact that I have two girls who leave things around the house. Like yesterday one stripped down in the living room after the swimming lessons so she could take a bath. )

I think my life we never be normal. I’m doomed to a life of chaos and somewhere in there I try to home school and do all the other things a mom and wife has to do.

I want some normalcy. I want to have a whole week with no engagements and no errands to run. Just one week to get my house and home schooling schedule in order.

Nah, I think I like not getting anything done. I’m gonna go play Go Fish with my two girls.

Since it was so long ago that I posted the details of Day One and Day Two of our trip to Cathedral Gorge and the pictures for Day one, you can go back to the links I just provided to refresh your memory or  just enjoy Day two of our Memorial Weekend Trip.

Friday Morning: Our hike to the caves.

Zarina hand in hand with Lilah, which was very common the whole trip.

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Eden stayed back with us, though I think she’s running a little bit to catch up with the Parks and Lilah.

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The girls, Lilah, Zarina, and Eden.

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The Blake’s. (We were hiking, I’m not trying to look fashionable.)

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Entrance to one of the “caves”.

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The girls with Jon. The “caves” were really passage ways that had been created from the silt being worn down by water and wind after the prehistoric lake dried up. So they were open on the top and at least ten degrees cooler than outside in the open desert.

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There were a lot of narrow winding spaces.

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Eden had fun fitting in one…

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…so did Jon.

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This is the view from higher up. We went climbing after we hiked in the caves.

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Eden looking up at Mommy.

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I took a rest and Jon took the girls climbing. He had a lot of patience and was the perfect teacher.

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Lilah holding her Daddy’s hand after a hard climb down. Eden was just chilling at the bottom waiting for them, she had climbed down earlier.

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Jon offering his hand to a worried Eden. (I just loved the previous two pictures. I love seeing Jon helping his children, something he is always willing to do. )

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Friday Evening: On our way to dinner.

The sky in one direction. It was very ominous.

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180 degrees the other way it looked like this. (This was at a gazebo that had been built when it became a park in the 1930’s.)

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Lilah and Jon discovered the gazebo on their hike.

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Some antelope we encountered between Caliente and Lund on our drive home Saturday.

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We thought they were cool.

This concludes our camping trip with Andrea, Brien, and Zarina. It only took me over a month to post the pictures of our second half.  We plan on seeing them once more this summer and we can’t wait!