Archive for the 'Sanity' Category


School

Wednesday, June 20th, 2007

Do I miss school? I think I can finally say yes, I miss going to school.
I read a blog a little while back by daring young mom about keeping current and I thought, maybe I should go back and get my masters? Of course it was fleeting and the thought only lasted that evening. To think about what I want to do once my kids are grown is scary.

I think I would like to teach college, but I’m not sure. I think it would be nice to have a psychology practice, but it would be more of a refuge for teenage girls who are in trouble.  I  hope that someday I’ll know what I want to be and that I’ll have the self confidence to do it. Right now it’s like, wow a masters is a lot. Do I really want a masters? Of course it’s no help seeing Jon having a difficult time getting into the Master’s program, and I know he’s much more intelligent than I am. (It’s more of the process of getting three academic letters of recommendation. He’s going to take a class this fall and hopefully if he does well he’ll be able to ask that teacher for a letter of recommendation and things will go smoothly after this. )
Anyways, as I am left not doing much of anything besides taking care of my daughters, I wonder if I have more that I should be doing. I wouldn’t want to go to school while Jon was in school. That would make life a little crazy yet again. He’d take classes during the day and would need to study at night, so to have me take classes at night would probably be pretty difficult while he’s going to school. Then I wonder how long will we be in Vegas. Once he’s finished with his masters I want him to look at other universities to see if he can move ahead in his field. I really want to get out of Vegas once he gets his masters, but if he decides to get a PhD I’d be willing to wait as long as we’re in a bigger house by then. 😉
Life is just so unsure. I want to keep my studies and life experiences current, but it takes so much to be a mom that it can be hard when what you’re interested in needs to be done outside the home. I’m not a writer so I can’t just sit at home and write. I need to be out there learning or doing things that are related to psychology or criminal justice. I just don’t know what.

I feel a little lost.  Really I don’t want to be making money or working, I just want to be developing myself and my mind.
I don’t know if I’m ready to go back for an even higher degree. I worry that it would be ten times harder since we’re still planning on having at least one more child and a masters is much different than a bachelors. I just wish I knew where to go from here and that I knew what turns life will give me so I can prepare now.
Would you go back and get a masters if you were planning on staying home, home schooling and having a child while you were doing it?

Budget

Thursday, May 24th, 2007

Jon had a wellness check yesterday. It revealed that his cholesterol is borderline to being bad. So  he needs to get it down in the good area. (His family has a history of heart disease, so we’re taking this kinda seriously.) With that they gave him a list of foods to avoid and foods to eat. This now just puts more pressure on me to do a weekly menu, so I’m giving him the foods he needs, and it puts more strain on the food budget. We were soo not following the food budget before and I was trying to follow it this month but we’ve gone over  because of a Costco trip. (How do you factor in a years worth of Britta water filters?) Anyways. We’re needing to redo the food budget so we can get more of the fresh foods he needs and the higher costing butter or egg substitutes. Ah, more money to find in the budget to spend. Oh how everything costs so much.

Random

Thursday, May 24th, 2007

So when I use to see people with a new car/ used car and the date of purchase/ expiration paper on the back of a car and the date was soon approaching, if not just a few days away, I always thought why don’t they just go to the DMV and get their plates. As a recent car buyer I realize it’s because you’re poor after you purchase a car and you want to wait until the last possible day to get the plates and register the car, so you have your hard earned money that much longer

Getting along.

Monday, March 12th, 2007

If you’ve read my blog in past months or the past year, you know that I sometimes have a hard time with Lilah. We just don’t always get along and I get annoyed, frustrated and mostly overbearing towards her.
Well I’ve been working on it but there are still times that really frustrate me.
Jon doesn’t see her crying as her trying to manipulate and get her own way, he’s able to brush it off and ignore it.
I don’t do so well. I like to stop the manipulative crying and it bothers me to let her cry it out when it is her just trying to get her way, even though we’ve explained things to her.
Luckily we’ve had fewer moments where this has happened. For the most part Lilah and I’ve gotten along well enough or I’ve been able to keep her form crying when she just wants her way so we avoid the frustrating scene. I think I’m being more clear in the rules and I think she’s understanding that I demand more respect from her and I’m trying to give her more.

We went through a period where she would always say no or back talk a little. It didn’t bother me that much but then I decided it was enough because it usually lead to a fight of some sort between us or a battle of wills. So I started putting her in timeout the first time she was rude to me rather then the third of fourth time or ignoring it. It was tough and I’m still not following through incredibly but after two days of going into timeout several times she got the just and we’re doing much better. With trying to get Lilah to show respect for me and not be rude I’m also trying to show her more respect. I try to compromise and give her plenty of warning for different things or changing of task, like turning off a movie in the middle to eat lunch or take a nap.

Second change: I’m being more firm on having Lilah think about what she says and using her first response.  (She use to flip flop and the warning of timeout would get her to do what she needed to do. I sometimes would not put her in timeout when she changed her mind, even after I said it was time for time out. Though it didn’t happen often.)
It’s just hard. I’m trying to teach her to respect her choices and understand them. I’m also trying to get her to understand me and that I respect her as long as she follows the rules and listens.
With crying I don’t mind if it for a valid reason like falling down, but I’m not good at letting her cry it out like Jon does. Like she cries if she doesn’t get enough kisses before bed time. That bothers me. We let her cry it out yesterday at nap time because of it. I actually went in and got Eden out of the room so she wouldn’t have to listen to it.
I give her the option that if she’s going to cry she can go to her room or not cry and stay out. Jon doesn’t like this option because it banishes her, but it’s the only way I can deal with her if she’s crying to get her way.

Eden’s crying more now for every disappointment or time I say no. She also says no a lot. I see my new battle arises with her.
It’s hard.

Jon even sees that Lilah and my relationship is a little better.My relationship is better with Lilah. There are still times, but it’s not everyday that I get frustrated with her. I also try to let it go if I get frustrated, which can be hard for me. I feel better about it and I feel that it is working more often than not. I still have control issues, but hey you can’t be perfect all at once.

I’m happy that we’re working together and that it is working more often. I’m trying to give her more independence, like helping with lunch and making decisions about how we should spend our time.  I am giving her a lot more attention, which is hard and easy at  the same time. Since I get along with her more I have more fun playing with her and I think she with me.
I’m starting to like my daughter more now, not just love her because I have too, which makes me happier too.
I hope we can continue to get better at our relationship. I hope I can apply the things I’ve learned with Lilah to Eden.

Telling the parents

Monday, March 5th, 2007

Jon told his parents Saturday that he is no longer participates in church and doesn’t have a testimony. He didn’t go as far has stating he doesn’t believe in Satan or God, but at least they know the basics and won’t be getting the information from some other source.
His mom has taken it really hard. We expected that. He is her little boy and the one she’s depended on for along time. She called me this afternoon and I can tell that she one, wants me to stay with Jon in hopes that I can help him come back and two in thought that if I do leave him he would then give up altogether. I don’t know if he mentioned his analogy of how when converts sometimes become members their families get upset and disown them. She related how she understands how sad it can be to have a deep faith in a religion and then to have your child say they don’t believe is heartbreaking. She’s going through a lot of heartache. They have two daughters that are not active members but they’ve been this way since their teen years. She’s just relied a lot on Jon and it hurts to see him go through this change.  I tried to say that even if it takes a long time for him to come back, if he ever does, it’s really on his own that it will happen. She blamed herself a little wondering if she leaned on him too much at times, like after his father’s heart attack. I tried to say that he was given a good foundation and it was him who made this decision. Maybe it will be for the better. Now I’m forced to be a stronger member and to gain a sure testimony. Where as before I was just going along. I still feel as though I am just going by. I wonder what I have to do in order to be sure of everything. I wonder about the work and dedication and if I have it. I wonder if it will be enough for my own children.
I worry about the phone calls. I hope to have strength to tell her to stop calling if it becomes to interfering or weighs me down. In some weighs I’ve tried to just move on and not dwell anymore, though we still have our problems. I worry that her worries will actually hurt our relationship. Worries about me staying, though she feels that I will, or worries about him and what she’ll do now that her rock as transformed and is something she does not completely know.
She a wonderful woman she just worries.
I am doing well. I’m actually craving another baby. I look at Eden and think how I was pregnant with her when Lilah was this age. I look at her and think how young she is and how  Lilah was still so young when I had her. I love my girls and I’m just getting a little baby hungry. I tell myself I’m not ready now to have that stress enter and that helps. I tell myself that if I’m careful Heavenly Father won’t give me a baby before I am ready. I hope that I’m ready for whatever happens.

Have a baby or else!

Tuesday, February 6th, 2007

I get an e-mail from Merdian every day. They have links on the side to real news articles that are sometimes interesting. I’m not a big news reader. I should be able to find the time and become interested in it, but I’m not. There was one article that caught my eye though.
Washington Same-Sex Marriage Proponents: Require Heterosexual Couples to Have Kids or Face Annulment

I thought how ridiculous. You don’t have to read it to understand how degrading this is to couples. All couples. So if you’re gay and you don’t adopt within three years your “marriage” should be annulled also? What about those couples who cannot have a baby easily but would rather try for years with invetro (sp?) than adopt? What about those who can’t afford to adopt or do invetro? You’re infertile and can’t have a child so lets stick it to you more and annull your marriage. You just don’t want children so you’re marriage doesn’t count. Maybe you’re 55 when you marry but you’d better get on the baby train. It’s ridiculous.

Now this is not up for voting yet, they’re still in the process of getting it on the ballot. Maybe they’re trying to show that you don’t have to have kids to be a devoted couple, but really I think they’re going about it wrong.
Anyways there’s my light on news. People are idiots.

I’m already lost.

Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

I still have one more final to prepare for. (The Beatles one went well, I’m sure I aced it. The CRJ stats went terrible. I have a solid 88% for my final grade. Jon mentioned how for the previous two fall semester, aka.FA 05, FA 04. I also got three A’s and a B, I’m just destined to never get straight A’s.) Back to the subject. I have my Sex offenders final to prepare for and then I will be done.  I don’t feel to much pressure for this final so in some ways I already feel done in which I already feel lost. What do I do with this extra time? I could clean and  organize my house, but when the girls are up that can be hard if I have any major projects to do. I could get up early and go to bed sooner, so I could do things before the girls get up. I love staying up and going to bed late, but when I stay up late I’m not accomplishing anything except adding weight to by butt. I could spend every waking moment with my daughters, but really I don’t want to spoil them with an expectation that mommy will entertain them all the time. I guess I have these goals and I feel at a little lost of how to do them. I want to start waking up at 7 to begin my day. (I really should write this down because Jon might hold me to this.) The problem with waking up at 7 is Jon is usually in the middle of his shower routine. The problem being we still only have one shower because the other is under construction, and that would be one reason to wake up, so I could take my shower at the beggining of the day while the girls are asleep, rather they the middle of the day  in hopes that they both take their naps at the same time. I could wake up at 6:30am but that is too early for me. I still have negative feelings from high school on getting up early. I’m just not a morning person. One thing I’m planning for my time is a cleaning schedule again. So I do small things each day besides the daily chores and once a week I have a larger cleaning chore. I feel comfortable in my organized chaos. I have a worry of getting it all organized and clean and then the expectation is now this higher sense of cleanliness. I also fear that I might not succeed and I will always be slightly disorganized with plenty of dust balls around the house. Anyways. Now I have more free time and I don’t know what to do with it. I know some of you are saying I wish I had more free time. Really it’s that I used school to block out things I didn’t want to do. Now I don’t have that excuse anymore and I must face my shortcomings and overcome them. We’re waiting to have our next child at the moment so I won’t even have pregnancy as an excuse any time soon. I suppose one reason I don’t like being out of school is because I feel a little more exposed and I have fewer excuses. What if I am a terrible housekeeper and an terrible mother? Everyone will now know. I grew up in a very disorganized house. I was often embarrassed to bring friends over. I don’t want my children to feel that way when they’re older and can feel embarrassment. I don’t want to be embarrassed of my house.  I also don’t want embarrassment to be my motivator. I hope once I have things more organized that I can feel proud of my domain and that pride work will be my motivator.  Like I’ve said before my house is usually presentable. I just have areas where there are piles of papers or books. We also have boxes of things we haven’t found a place for. Our bedroom  being the worst place, there just isn’t enough space for our clothes. I’m at a lost at where to start. Maybe after the holidays I’ll begin. 🙂
Sigh. I’m  so strange.

Things I realized this past week

Monday, December 11th, 2006

I like my kids more than I like yours.
Before I had children I loved every one’s children. Now that I have my own, I realize I just like mine more than other peoples. Now I like other peoples kids. I just don’t know what to do with other peoples babies. I watched my sister Kristi’s two daughters on Thursday so she could go to the temple. Katy is four. She and Lilah just played the whole time. Really I don’t mind her. It was just funny because Lilah would talk to her and she would ask quite frequently what Lilah was saying. Katy could only understand about half of what Lilah said. What I realized is I don’t know what to do with other peoples babies. Adrienne is nine months. She’s just a very different baby than my girls, at least what I remember of my girls. She was in a new place so I understand that she was a little touchy. I would put her on the floor to play and if it even looked like I was leaving the room she would cry. She’s been this way sense birth. If she chooses to leave you it’s fine, but if you choose to leave her she cries. She also only falls asleep if you’re holding her. This is due to her sleep deprived father who falls asleep with her all the time, so Adrienne falls asleep with him. It’s mostly that I didn’t know how to react to the crying and neediness. There wasn’t this parental bond with her. I know Kristi lets her cries at times, but how much is too much? Does she respond to me singing? Does she like to be rocked? It turns out she was good in her car seat while I made lunch. She could see me and I sang some silly songs. I held and fed her cheerios while we ate our lunch, she had already been fed. Later she played, even with me gone, because she could see her sister. I had to hold her until she fell asleep and then she only slept for 45 minutes in her car seat. She is a happy baby, but since I didn’t raise and train her or create a certain routine and expectations of her I wasn’t sure what to do with her for a long period of time.
From this experience I also learned that I would not want twins, or closely born children. Eden and Adrienne are less than nine months apart and I realized that I love the age Eden is at, so I wouldn’t want another baby at this point. Plus it’s too much work.

The second thing I realized this week: I talk a lot and sometimes it comes out wrong. People who really know me will probably be laughing at this statement. I often say things that come out badly and then I am teased forever about them. I won’t say any here for fear of posterity realizing how silly their mom/ grandma/ daughter really is. I’m the youngest of six and of course I’ve been teased a lot. For some reason being the youngest as also made me mature. (don’t laugh 🙂 When I was 20 people often thought I was older, and even now other women I know think I’m along 25, not 23. When I teach in church I put a pretty good facade of being wiser than I am, though I was not always this way. When people get me in a social setting I think they then realize how young I am because of my words, or how uncouth I can be. I had a Relief Society social on Friday night. I think one of the women came away thinking I was an unhappy mother in an unhappy marriage. Why you ask? One reason is the age difference. She’s much older than I am so our worlds are very different and two because of some things I said, in which because of the age difference she is unable to relate to me. One thing I said was how I love hearing about my single friends love life, and that I live vicariously through them. (This was while talking to one of our eighteen year old Relief Society sisters.) She thought this funny and I mentioned after nearly five years of marriage there isn’t much excitement. She said then I need to put excitement into it. (all this was in jest) I then corrected myself and said that it wasn’t really the excitement that I missed, it was the newness of the relationship, and I enjoyed hearing about the newness and that excitement that my single friends get to experience. She seemed appeased at this statement, but I’m not sure.
The second thing I said was about my children. Talking about kids I mentioned how I felt I needed to relate to my girls more. That I feel at a lost sometimes at what to do with them. She had replied about how much she loved raising her boys and how fulfilling and fun it was. (Jon mentioned that her memory probably was a little forgetful of any negative feelings she may have felt as a mother since she was now so removed from that stage of her life.) So there it was, I’m an unhappy wife and mother. Really I’m not.I love my kids and I love my husband. My desire for newness is something I consider natural. Women’s downfall is romance. Yes romance. Or that longing for a new relationship and new lust. I say this because if you read any romance novel or watch any show or movie it’s always about finding that new person. So I don’t think I’m alone in my fantasy of newness. Some of you may be saying “Lacey what are you talking about. I’ve been married ten years and it’s still great. You need to get yourself together.” But honestly I’m sure everyone at some point has felt they loved their husband with all their heart, but has longed for the newness of when their relationship was starting. One thing I think society has wrong is that you will always love you husband and if you fall out of love then you probably need to get a divorce. Really marriage is hard work and their will be points you don’t love your husband as much as you think you ought to. Their might be a lucky few who always love their husband with this all consuming love, but honestly I don’t think it’s that way for life. One thing Jon mentioned to me is the beauty of two people choosing to be with one another because they want to be with that other person. Not because they feel forced into a relationship or are codependent, or not even because they love one another, but because they care for that other person and choose to be with them.
Anyways. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become a little better about thinking before I open my mouth, (not always before typing) but really I’m still learning. Maybe someday I can find that couth I’m searching for. 🙂
PS. This is not a post because I like my kids more than my sisters. They were just the example. Though some may say it’s because they are my sisters kids. I really don’t relate to anyone else’s babies as well as my own.
Also parental bond is used in the sense that I have not raised Adrienne, not in the I did not give birth to Adrienne sense. I think biological bonds are overrated.
This are just my after thoughts, because well if you know me you know I’m crazy.

women are funny

Saturday, November 25th, 2006

This is a post my friend Anna re-posted from an e-mail she got. I found it hilarious and it reminded me of my mother.

A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests itself:

I decided to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I looked over at my car and decided my car needs washing.

As I started toward the garage to get the sponge and bucket, I noticed that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find a can of diet Coke that I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. Then I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on
the table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spilled on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill, then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don’t have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what in the world I did with the car keys!

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled, because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

P.S. I just walked outside and SOMEONE LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!

My fantasy

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006

As I wiped down my stove this morning, which needs a much needed deep cleaning of the trays, I fantasized about having a day without my girls for cleaning. Then I thought it would be wonderful to have Jon home so he could do all the things that I have no clue what to do with. Like his memorabilia and the bills…I hate filing…I thought how wonderful it would be to get rid of things that we’re keeping for “just in case”.( like some lamps…and some baby clothes that I really didn’t have Eden wear…so I should probably just get rid of them. I just bought some space bags online…I’m now excited because I hope it will help with our space problem.)
My first day fantasy cleaning would be Jon and I organizing and down sizing. I’ve gotten rid of a lot of clothes since we’ve been in this house, but it’s not enough and I need to get rid of more shoes 🙁 Then as Lilah grows we have even more clothes to store. It’s just chaos. I want a day with my honey cleaning and organizing and then I can have the next day all to myself for the major cleaning and scrubbing down of the house. Jon hates it because I’m a mass cleaner. I get bothered or I just get an urge and I clean the whole bathroom along with the whole kitchen…I don’t do small things, like the sinks one day and the toilets the next. I figure if I’m gonna get gross then I might as well do it all. I also need to be better about upkeep and I always hope with a clean slate, as in when everything’s clean, then maybe I can stick to a schedule and do little things each day, and once a week do a big chore, like the tubs or mopping the floors. Anyways. That’s my fantasy…to have a day alone with my husband cleaning. Now I just need someone to pawn my children onto. 🙂

Maybe if I feel the house is organized and we find a place for everything…then I’ll be able to see that we have space for another child…even a boy…even if it brings a whole new area of storage into my life.

Together we have never been successful in getting everything organized, at least since we’ve been here…We get parts done and then life gets busy and things pile up again….I think the hardest problem is letting go…Jon has things he wants to keep and I have things I want to keep and then there are the things only one of us want to keep. I just want to find a back to my closet and a floor to my room. (It’s no that bad…but I want things to be better.) We’re not complete slobs…most of the time anyways. I like to think that on most days friends would feel comfortable in my home…but I want to be comfortable in my room…and that’s where much of the space problem is…in our room.
Sorry…I’m sure cleaning is boring…but this is one area of stress in my life. I feel a little powerless also because there are times I organize but feel I get no where…or I don’t know what to do with stuff, such as Jon’s things, or we need more dresser space…(have I said how we went from two to one dresser when we moved last year.) It’s just crazy and I don’t like feeling powerless to things…I mean they’re just things…I should be able to take control. I know the space bags aren’t a godsend…but I’m hoping it downsizes our clothing storage a little and blanket storage. I think that could help tons.