Is It Naptime Yet

If you’ve read my blog in past months or the past year, you know that I sometimes have a hard time with Lilah. We just don’t always get along and I get annoyed, frustrated and mostly overbearing towards her.
Well I’ve been working on it but there are still times that really frustrate me.
Jon doesn’t see her crying as her trying to manipulate and get her own way, he’s able to brush it off and ignore it.
I don’t do so well. I like to stop the manipulative crying and it bothers me to let her cry it out when it is her just trying to get her way, even though we’ve explained things to her.
Luckily we’ve had fewer moments where this has happened. For the most part Lilah and I’ve gotten along well enough or I’ve been able to keep her form crying when she just wants her way so we avoid the frustrating scene. I think I’m being more clear in the rules and I think she’s understanding that I demand more respect from her and I’m trying to give her more.

We went through a period where she would always say no or back talk a little. It didn’t bother me that much but then I decided it was enough because it usually lead to a fight of some sort between us or a battle of wills. So I started putting her in timeout the first time she was rude to me rather then the third of fourth time or ignoring it. It was tough and I’m still not following through incredibly but after two days of going into timeout several times she got the just and we’re doing much better. With trying to get Lilah to show respect for me and not be rude I’m also trying to show her more respect. I try to compromise and give her plenty of warning for different things or changing of task, like turning off a movie in the middle to eat lunch or take a nap.

Second change: I’m being more firm on having Lilah think about what she says and using her first response.  (She use to flip flop and the warning of timeout would get her to do what she needed to do. I sometimes would not put her in timeout when she changed her mind, even after I said it was time for time out. Though it didn’t happen often.)
It’s just hard. I’m trying to teach her to respect her choices and understand them. I’m also trying to get her to understand me and that I respect her as long as she follows the rules and listens.
With crying I don’t mind if it for a valid reason like falling down, but I’m not good at letting her cry it out like Jon does. Like she cries if she doesn’t get enough kisses before bed time. That bothers me. We let her cry it out yesterday at nap time because of it. I actually went in and got Eden out of the room so she wouldn’t have to listen to it.
I give her the option that if she’s going to cry she can go to her room or not cry and stay out. Jon doesn’t like this option because it banishes her, but it’s the only way I can deal with her if she’s crying to get her way.

Eden’s crying more now for every disappointment or time I say no. She also says no a lot. I see my new battle arises with her.
It’s hard.

Jon even sees that Lilah and my relationship is a little better.My relationship is better with Lilah. There are still times, but it’s not everyday that I get frustrated with her. I also try to let it go if I get frustrated, which can be hard for me. I feel better about it and I feel that it is working more often than not. I still have control issues, but hey you can’t be perfect all at once.

I’m happy that we’re working together and that it is working more often. I’m trying to give her more independence, like helping with lunch and making decisions about how we should spend our time.  I am giving her a lot more attention, which is hard and easy at  the same time. Since I get along with her more I have more fun playing with her and I think she with me.
I’m starting to like my daughter more now, not just love her because I have too, which makes me happier too.
I hope we can continue to get better at our relationship. I hope I can apply the things I’ve learned with Lilah to Eden.

We were in the backyard on Wednesday. Our neighbors directly behind us have a ladder propped up on the back wall. It doesn’t make me especially comfortable but I didn’t care until Wednesday. I was sitting on the grass and looked over and saw a little head peeking over. It was, I’m guessing, the young daughter to that neighbor. This didn’t bother me. What bothered me it when she tossed over a small batter powered, used, sucker fan thing. She’s young I’m sure it was just to be friendly, right? Then she decided to toss over  a bracelet and play pearl necklace. I then said please stop tossing things over or I will tell your mother. It stopped. I was mostly worried about heavy things hitting my girls. The battery sucker fan thing had a plastic stick that poked from it and had it landed on a head I’m sure stitches would have been needed or brain damage had it landed right on Eden’s soft spot. (Yes the possibilities are slim but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen.)

The other incident. Our neighbors next to us have two young girls, about 4 and 2. Yesterday they decided it would be fun to throw rocks into our driveway. They’re not rocks, but the basalt yard rocks that crumble if you drive over them or if you’re heavy enough stepping on them will cause them to crumble also. (Geology class paid off!!) When we got home yesterday I asked the neighbor girl if she threw the rocks. She said yes and I asked her to not throw them because they could hurt our car. I don’t know how much she understood in my statement because they speak Spanish as their main language at home.

If you can see “throw things at me” on my house please tell me. But it might only be read by little children or I suppose heard by them.

Well I’m trying to get serious about working out. Well exercising. I don’t have a gym membership for a few reasons: one it costs money; two I don’t think there is one within 20 minutes of me that I would like to go to anytime at night or early morning when it’s still dark; three I’d have to go in the evening when Jon got home or before he goes to work (I’ve mentioned how I don’t get up until he leaves at 7:30 right?); fourth even if I had a car Jon doesn’t trust gym daycare, so I’d have to do a trade or wait until he got home anyways.
The last reason is I’ve never been to a gym so I’m afraid I’d look like a complete idiot trying to work certain equipment and also I’ve heard gross things about the germs and bacteria on gym equipment.

My solution Winsor Pilates. I have an aerobic workout and a toning one that I plan on alternating each day, where as before it was do one or both of them once a week. I also have other videos once I get good/bored of these.
I’ve worked out each day of the week, or three days thus far. I plan on doing my ab workout tonight. It just works out better for me to do the toning at night on days that I do it, and the aerobic during the day on those days.
I’m changing my diet a little. I think it has helped, though I’m not sure. The one reason I’m becoming diligent is I gained like 5 pounds last Sunday. I think the trip up to Utah caught up with me and it all went to my gut, butt and thighs, especially my gut. My pants are getting very uncomfortable and I fell so self conscious in them because they’re so tight. For this reason I want to really lose weight and why I’ve been motivated to workout three times this week alone.

So here are things I’m hoping will help:
Drink more water or at least a glass at each meal. (In the end it will be about 6 cups a day.)
Have a smaller breakfast and a snack in the mid morning. (I like a big bowl of cereal at breakfast and I don’t eat until lunch.)
Eat eggs regularly to help with protein intake. ( I like them with toast at lunch, this way I last longer. I get so light headed at 3pm or right at the time I’m finally able to work out when I eat a light lunch without eggs. if I have my afternoon snack before I workout I then cramp during the aerobic and have a need to stop anyways. I honestly wonder if I have a blood sugar problem.)
Eat less sweets and chocolate. (I’m doing well on this. We still have some of the chocolates in the cupboard from valentine’s and the girls have helped me eat most of them, though I’ll be glade when they’re finally gone. I did just buy some girl scout cookies on Saturday though.They’re for a good cause at least.)
Don’t eat after 7-7:30 pm. (This is a hard one. I get hungry at 9 and have a snack. This was explainable when I was breast feeding but now it’s just habit.)

I already feel better after trying this week to not eat at night. It may just be placebo though. I’m just trying to regulate and do better. I want to eat in a way that I can continue it the rest of my life, or for a very long time anyways. I just want to build good habits. I know there are faster ways to lose weight, but I don’t mind if it takes a while. I really just want to be healthy and happy to know that I’m taking care of myself and I hope that I lose weight along the way. I do want to lose some weight quickly, like the 5 pounds I just gained, but we’ll see.
I know the Wendy’s I had for lunch is not going to help the process. Maybe I should do the aerobic and ab workout today……

Last night Lilah woke up 4 times between the hours of 3:30 am and 5:30…well she just stayed awake after 5:30 am.
The first time it was crying, she wanted the radio on.
The second time it was her crawling into bed with us. Jon put her back into hers after a little bit of cuddling. Usually it’s because we need to wake up a bit more before we have the energy to put her back.
5:00 or so it was the hall light that woke me up. I though she was going potty, but she just went to the couch because she couldn’t sleep.
Then 5:30 it was the radio was off again. She then just got up when Jon did at 6 am.

It’s driving me nuts!
Eden starts crying at least once each night. Sometimes it’s night terror’s, I think, and she’s still asleep when she’s crying. Lately she’s actually been awake when I go in there to cuddle her.
Then Lilah has been regularly crawling into bed with us. This drives me nuts. I just let Jon take her back when he’s ready, but I think I’m gonna have to start taking her back immediately because after a few nights she usually stops trying to come in if she knows she’s just going straight back. (This cycle takes place around every two months or so.)
Then the whole waking up and not being able to sleep or needing the music on is driving me nuts! (I think I’ve used that phrase 3 times now) We got the radio as a comfort for nighttime and sickness. I didn’t get it so the cd would play continually all night long!
I’m tempted to take it away and just have them go to sleep without it. She did fine for the first 3 2/3 years of her life she can go without it now.
I just see these as excuses to get attention. Maybe I’m not spending enough time with her in the day or giving her the attention she needs, but what bothers me is I feel that I give her plenty of attention and I spend all day with them.
I just needs it to stop. I’m not getting good sleep so I then sleep while she watches Aurthur in the morning.
I’m tempted to put the gate up at nighttime so she can’t get out but we’d still be able to have the door open to hear Eden if she needs comfort. No music and a gate so she just has to tough it out. The nighttime neediness just gets to me. It’s hard to have patience when you’re sleep deprived and it’s 3:30 am.
I want uninterrupted sleep for a week straight. Is that too hard to ask?

Really I don’t think it is. It’s only been this last month that we’ve had all these problems, before it was occasionally, now it’s a regular occurrence to be awakened by one of the girls. I don’t have a newborn, why do I feel like I do?

Jon told his parents Saturday that he is no longer participates in church and doesn’t have a testimony. He didn’t go as far has stating he doesn’t believe in Satan or God, but at least they know the basics and won’t be getting the information from some other source.
His mom has taken it really hard. We expected that. He is her little boy and the one she’s depended on for along time. She called me this afternoon and I can tell that she one, wants me to stay with Jon in hopes that I can help him come back and two in thought that if I do leave him he would then give up altogether. I don’t know if he mentioned his analogy of how when converts sometimes become members their families get upset and disown them. She related how she understands how sad it can be to have a deep faith in a religion and then to have your child say they don’t believe is heartbreaking. She’s going through a lot of heartache. They have two daughters that are not active members but they’ve been this way since their teen years. She’s just relied a lot on Jon and it hurts to see him go through this change.  I tried to say that even if it takes a long time for him to come back, if he ever does, it’s really on his own that it will happen. She blamed herself a little wondering if she leaned on him too much at times, like after his father’s heart attack. I tried to say that he was given a good foundation and it was him who made this decision. Maybe it will be for the better. Now I’m forced to be a stronger member and to gain a sure testimony. Where as before I was just going along. I still feel as though I am just going by. I wonder what I have to do in order to be sure of everything. I wonder about the work and dedication and if I have it. I wonder if it will be enough for my own children.
I worry about the phone calls. I hope to have strength to tell her to stop calling if it becomes to interfering or weighs me down. In some weighs I’ve tried to just move on and not dwell anymore, though we still have our problems. I worry that her worries will actually hurt our relationship. Worries about me staying, though she feels that I will, or worries about him and what she’ll do now that her rock as transformed and is something she does not completely know.
She a wonderful woman she just worries.
I am doing well. I’m actually craving another baby. I look at Eden and think how I was pregnant with her when Lilah was this age. I look at her and think how young she is and how  Lilah was still so young when I had her. I love my girls and I’m just getting a little baby hungry. I tell myself I’m not ready now to have that stress enter and that helps. I tell myself that if I’m careful Heavenly Father won’t give me a baby before I am ready. I hope that I’m ready for whatever happens.

The week’s been busy. Thursday we had our first preschool class with the other kids in our ward. Lilah loved it. Eden was good. We have the classes split. One with the kids born in 2004 and before, and then one for 2005 and after. It was suppose to be more of we take turns teaching, assisting or being in the nursery, and if you weren’t in one of those three positions you could go do what you wanted, but the Church isn’t suppose to do a daycare/preschool type setting so the moms now have to stay in the building. I was in the nursery with Eden. I taught them about wind but 20 month olds don’t really care about wind, paper bag kites, or twirling with crate paper. They do like bubbles and wind chimes. They also like just playing or being read too. I had four kids and a young women from the ward helping so it was pretty easy, but boy does times stand still when you’re entertaining young toddlers. The first hour felt like 2 and then luckily the second hour their was another activity that I was able to go to and get some socialization. I’m in the nursery again this Thursday. I think I’ll bring some of my books form home and maybe something that makes music to entertain them more. I’ll have the whole two hours with them this time to fill by myself and another young women, so we’ll see how it goes.

Saturday was a good day. Jon’s niece Shauntae, and her family came to town. We had a dinner at Annie’s house. I made rolls and everyone loved them. They turned out well anyways. It was fun to sit and chat with her and family for a couple hours. They were down just for the weekend.

Today was stake conference. Jon didn’t want to go so I thought I’d go by myself, but we stayed up late watching Memoirs of a Geisha and I didn’t want to get ready this morning. (Absolutely loved the movie. It’s now on our to buy list.) I use to pride myself on being one of those people who went to stake conference instead of taking a Sunday off. I could sympathize why they would want to stay home rather then sit on hard chairs for two hours and try to entertain their kids for twice the normal time. Today I was one of those slackers. I really enjoyed it though.
I did get a lot done, even though it suppose to be a day of rest. I decide to fold the 2 partial loads of kids clothes plus the whole load that was sitting in the dryer. (I wash clothes and as long as their is room in the laundry baskets and dryer I don’t always fold. Two loads had been done of the girls clothes but neither folded so they were now partial because we had used clothes from them.)
I also did three other loads of laundry. Jon played with the girls outside and did a lot around the house. Dishes and dinner. 🙂
It was such a beautiful day. I hope tomorrow is the same way. I think I’ll wear shorts in hopes that I’ll get a tan.

I stumbled upon a friends, sister’s blog, who had been disgusted by this program on ABC. ( I won’t link to her blog out of respect, I already put a comment, which I’ll post later.) I found it interesting because I had the exact opposite reaction as this woman. I was refreshed to see a more normal polygamous sect.

In short there’s a community not far from Colorado City AZ which has modern facilities and houses, and is the home to a polygamous Mormon sect. Spouses are chosen by women saying whom they want to marry or feel they are inspired to marry and then family and ultimately the elders, or priesthood leaders of their church, decide if it is right. If it’s decided then the guy finds out he’s to have a wife. They practice a law that resembles the Law of Consecration which the Church practiced early on. For them this is a community of a lot of tradesmen and so they build homes for one another free of charge on the weekends. They are exposed to the world, but not in the world. Their is no dating or premarital sex, and a polygamous marriage is required to enter the highest kingdom, or Celestial Kingdom

The woman’s blog was disgusted by it. She, or commenter’s to her post, were upset that they mentioned the Church and Joseph Smith. But in reality they are a break off of the Church, and they believe the words of Joseph Smith literally, that a man must have at least two wives to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Where as we just believe you must be sealed by the holy priesthood to one man or one woman, depending on your sex, to enter the highest degree of glory.
In reality I felt they disclosed well that this sect was not apart if the main LDS church and that the LDS church had not participated in polygamous marriage for over a hundred years. Really you can’t keep repeating that the whole show. Once is enough. They showed The Book of Mormon, because this sect uses and believes The Book of Mormon. Someone was upset about that. Well to get upset at a polygamous Mormon sect for using The Book of Mormon is like the Christians getting upset at the LDS church for using the Bible. It’s apart of their beliefs and does not solely belong to the mainstream LDS church, though we have the publishing rights. It’s apart of their church’s heritage, just as it is ours. Just as we are still Christians for believing in Christ they are still Mormon’s for believing in the Book of Mormon. Just different Mormons and not the official Mormons.

I guess as you will read form the copy and pasted comment, that I thought this sect showed a normal and refreshing polygamous sect. They are peculiar for practicing yes, but they aren’t stuck in the 1800’s because of it, like Colorado City.
I saw them as a look into how the Church might practice polygamy in the present days, but hopefully with a little more dating and allowance of both spouses to chose. (Though I don’t know how I’d like it if my husband went on dates with other women….Luckily I don’t have to worry 😉 )
I thought it was good. She didn’t.

Here was my comment:

First I want to say they did disclaim that this sect is separate from the mainstream LDS religion.
Second I thought they resembled somewhat how polygamy would be if we still practiced it within the Church.
Third, they’re a break off sect of the LDS religion, of course they use The Book of Mormon. That was a major part of our religion in the early years.
Fourth I think this polygamous sect shows a hero worship of Joseph Smith, something that only until recently was widely practiced in our church. My BIL just yesterday told me how he heard more about Joseph Smith growing up than Christ; his interpretation of course.
Polygamy is an eternal commandment….It will be practiced again….I learned that in Institute. So will sacrifice and the Law of Consecration.
I was refreshed by a seeing a more normal break off sect. They were in the world but not of the world. They almost practiced the Law of Consecration in the way they helped one another. I did not agree with how they chose spouses, but still, they’re not inspired.
Really to be so critical of a polygamous sect only shows shame for our own religion’s past.
If polygamy weren’t illegal would the Church still be practicing?…I dare to say yes.
If it were to become legal might the Church practice it again?…Possibly not because of the stigma, but stigma is no reason to not practice something if God wants it.

I added the italics this time around. To be ashamed of a past because it is presently debated is to be a ashamed of the Church. To be disgusted by it shows little reverence for an eternal commandment. I feel sorrow for those sects who have broken away and will not be able to participate in the eternal glory I hope to have, or be worthy of receiving some day. Though I don’t know if I’m on any better grounds than they. I say we are all imperfect. We all like certain doctrines better than others. Get over it.

I received my diploma in the mail today!!!
I still need a frame. Any suggestions are welcome as to where to get a nice one with a mat or a floating frame

It even came with a wallet diploma, courtesy of the UNLV Alumni association.

Yes, I did blur out my middle name. I figure this is a public site.

Last night Eden was having a rough time sleeping so I brought her into rest with me while I held her. For those moments awake I had a lot of thoughts go through my mind. I don’t remember exactly all of them, but two stuck out.
The first thought. I have a lot of dreams. Now this sounds good, but my dreams all require money. Buying a new car, redoing the counter tops in the kitchen, redoing the girls bathroom almost completely ( we’ve already bought a new toilet so that’s the one thing that doesn’t need to be done). Then there’s painting the inside of my house and buying a new mattress Jon and I both agree on. Plus maybe some real furniture for the girls and our room. (like new dressers :)) Plus I want diamond earrings and my mom wants to sell me her $3,000 quilting/embroidery sewing machine for a small fee each month, (She’s getting a new one that’s worth about $9,000 for around $4,000). Plus I just like shopping in general. Then there’s paying off the smaller mortgage. Well paying off the mortgage company. (We’ve used about 14,000 in student loans to pay it off, which will start being due this July, but $10,000 is at the low rate of just 2.8 %).
So the main dilemma is the car. I’ve made a deal that we will not buy a car until the small mortgage is paid off. Which looks to be about December if nothing major comes up. The problem being I want to do around $1,500 in remodeling which will then make it more around March of next year. 🙁
My thought is to do this nanny service my sister does. Well babysitting is what I would do, about once or twice a week.They cater to the hotels and wealthy families in town. The problem being is while filling out the application I felt so under qualified because I have no professional training and haven’t worked for nearly 4 years. I’m very qualified by life experience, I am a mom, but they want employment for the past 10 years and references that have known me for five. (Amber you’ll probably be one 😉 ). I worry about not getting the job because who will want a stay at home mom to babysit, though I do have a college degree.
I guess it’s just a little scary entering a work type field and filling out an application when you haven’t worked for so long. I’m tempted not to do it just out of feeling incompetent. (I know I can do it, it’s will they hire me with just the life experience of taking care of my own children.) I’m glad that I don’t have to do this job. Really it’s just so I can fund these extras. Which also brings me to the next dilemma, should I be worried about these extras or should I be happy that we are happy and fed with a roof over our heads? I guess I also want to enjoy these extras while we’re here, not 6 months before we leave because we’re thinking about selling and they’ll help sell the house.
I guess it’s also “Do I mind having the mortgage debt while having a car?” One reason I want the mortgage to go away is so I can get a slightly nicer car then if we had the mortgage. I feel a little greedy but I also feel that working one night a week is okay. I went to school twice a week during my schooling, and once even three times a week when I was pregnant with Eden.
So there’s my dilemma. I’m too scared to fill out a job application for fear of being rejected because I haven’t worked in so long. Then I also worry about working for the wrong reasons.
I really want a nicer kitchen and bathroom, and I really want a car by next year. I’ve made lots of sacrifices and I feel that this is an okay one for my family.
We’re told so often that having the mom work is terrible. Though plenty of Mormon moms do things like home businesses, so I feel that this is okay. I work and come home. Or I don’t work that night if they don’t need me. Rather then I work and do party or show and have to continue to work while at home doing phone calls and everything else that come with home businesses. Lots of moms do those jobs for their extra money or to do their hobbies. This money is for myself. I really want a new guest bathroom and a nicer kitchen. So my family benefits as well. 🙂

Next thought. Last night we watched the Disney movie Cars. I love this movie. We always watch the extras and they tell how the animators and writers traveled the entire Route 66 to get a feel and appreciation of the movie. Every time I watch the movie I want to go on Route 66 and see the land and heart of America. Every time they tell the sad story of interstate travelers bypassing the small fictional town of Radiator Springs I want to first cry and then take a road trip with my girls. Jon and I are fans of small businesses, along with big, but if we have the money we like to help those who are doing what they love because they love it, not because they make money. Jon wants to do a road trip this summer, but I don’t think we’d be able to financially. One we’d need to buy or rent a car, two we’d need $1,000 just for room and board along with gas. So my goal is next summer to have a road trip with my girls. Maybe along a part of Route 66. I want to travel to forgotten places. (Though I don’t know if I want to stay a night in a forgotten hotel, unless it has been newly refurbished. ;))
I want to see the history and experience some of the old towns of America. I love car rides. I love looking at the landscape and watching the road go by. I enjoyed that as a girl. So this movie makes me sad for those who have been left behind in the wake of advancement. I want to visit quite places with nothing to do other than enjoy the fresh air and run through the sprinklers.